Tag Archives: minnesota

Amy Klobuchar Wrestles Woman To Ground After Being Attacked

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Senator Amy Klobuchar prepares to body slam alleged attacker to the floor.

Penacook, New Hampshire – Presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar successfully wrestled a Bernie Sanders supporter to the floor after being suddenly attacked while campaigning near New Hampshire’s capital city of Concord.

Luckily, the Minnesota senator had wrestled as a Trojan on her Wayzata High School team, so she instinctively knew some basic moves to protect herself when the need arose.

After the incident, Senator Klobuchar said she now needs to focus all of her attention on wrestling with Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sander, Quid Pro Joe, and Mayor Pete.

Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination Opens In Downtown Dilworth

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MirrorBar: A major part of the new and improved Howard Dohnson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®

Dilworth, MN – Perhaps you’ve noticed all that construction/reconstruction/deconstruction and goings on at what was once the Howard Johnson Motel in Dilworth? That’s a good eye, you have. The site has undergone significant renovations in recent months, transforming into what is now known as the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®, which, for the purposes of this writing, will now be referenced as HD-LED.

MirrorBar also has a meticulously crafted M-shaped bar destined to confuse the dyslexic.

HD-LED brings a one-of-a-kind stay-and-play complete with sleepable rooms and a classy lounge titled MirrorBar. MirrorBar, their main attraction, mainly attracts women and men using enticing visuals. Take this excerpt from one of their TV commercial promos you might’ve seen broadcast on channel 8:

As part of the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination, MirrorBar invites you to a pleasantly unique nighttime experience featuring a scintillating sequence of reflective surfaces. Sit up, sit down. Sit all around. MirrorBar goes on forever. Stop by and stay on your way out of town. MirrorBar.

Khanton Danzig, Dilworth Planning and Zoning Commissioner, seems excited to have class clientele patronize the town’s new crown jewel. “Just what Dilworth needed: a destination spot that can instantly level the playing field with downtown Moorhead.”

MirrorBar’s happy hour runs 4:00-6:00 every weekday featuring 1/2 price domestics, eight dollar wells and four dollar you-call-its.

Man Who’s Half Goat To Marry Half-Goat Woman: Said To Make A Great Couple!

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Half-goat couple planning on raising a few kids on their very own goat farm.

Moorhead, MN – The quirky little American town that invented the Dilly Bar will soon have another first.

Mr. Billy Goat, who is self-described as being half man and half goat will soon join in marital wedlock with Ms. Fauna Capra, who is similarly also half goat.

For their wedding ceremony, both are expected to wear cashmere coats since they are both half cashmere goats.

Once legally joined together as a tribe and add a few kids, they plan on getting the flock out of here and moving to a small goat farm in rural Minnesota where they can nibble on some sweet alfalfa and tasty shrubs.

For income, besides selling their cashmere wool at premium prices, they also plan on marketing their own hircine line of goat milk and goat cheese.

National Lutheran Church To Become Bird Sanctuary Denomination

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Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.

Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.

Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”

Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.

Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.

UFO Encounter In Marshall County Minnesota Finally Solved

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We are very sorry. For causing any trouble. We did not know. That our presence on Earth. Was going to be such a big deal.

Stephen, MN – The mysterious UFO encounter which happened in Minnesota’s Marshall county forty years ago has finally been solved.

Three space aliens who had recently been detained on unrelated drug charges confessed to flying the orb-like spaceship which was at the center of the infamous 1979 UFO sighting.

“Yes, it was our Orb cruiser which caused the bright light and then accidentally struck the squad car of Deputy Val Johnson near Stephen Minnesota,” said the three spaced aliens, as translated through their alien attorney.

The three undocumented aliens went on to say: “We mean the people of Earth no harm. We only wanted to co-mingle and party with you frackers. Even though you’re a relatively primitive species, we admire your gumption and spunk.”

Norwegians Marching To Protest All Those Stupid Norwegian Jokes

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Norwegian-Americans are starting to protest all those bad Norwegian jokes!

Oslo, MN – Well, it was only a matter of time until they had enough and just couldn’t take it anymore.

Now, many Norwegian-Americans are fed up with all those silly Norwegian jokes and being the subject of such stupidity.

Jokes such as: Why do Norwegians grocery shop with a ladder? Because the food prices are so high!

Ole Larson who helped organize the protest march says “enough is enough already!”

Lars Olson says jokes like: “The reason why Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast is because the drivers are afraid they’ll get robbed” have done enough damage and they just need to stop!

If some of your ancestors were Norwegian and you’d like to join a Norwegian joke protest march, please contact the Sons Of Norway.

It would greatly help the protest march if you made a big poster with a Norwegian joke on it, saying “Please stop jokes like this one…”

Q: Why did the Norwegians bring sandpaper to the desert?
A: Because they thought it was a map!

Dear FMO: How Can We Create A Quagmire On Our Property?

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Email Dr. Pete Bogg any questions you may have about landscaping or gardening.

Quamba, Minnesota – Ms. Geri Quam emailed our gardening and landscape specialist a great question: How can I create a green quagmire on our Minnesota lake property in order to provide some wetlands for animals and help save the Earth?

Dr. Pete Bogg who headquarters out of our corporate office park says: Dear Geri Quam, I commend you on your desire to create a quagmire on your property.

If done correctly, you will provide vital habitat for beavers, otters, turtles, mink, and maybe even some muskrat love. If done wrong, you might end up with an entangled imbroglio which could possibly even border on a muddled Minnesota morass.

To keep it very simple, in order to create a healthy quagmire, start out by taking some good-looking mire, and then to it add a healthy dose of quag. I’ve found that the best ratio to use here is three quags to every five foot-pounds of mire. After settling, once the whole thing eventually starts to bubble, you’ll know you’re on the right path to a successful quagmire.

Dr. Pete Bogg noted that all the letters in Geri Quam can be re-arranged to spell: Quagmire!

Top Ten Reasons Why The City Of Moorhead Secretly Changed Its Voting Locations

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Good luck trying to find where to vote if you live in Moorhead!

Moorhead, MN – Without letting anyone know, Moorhead city leaders decided to change many of their polling locations.

Many Moorheadians are now wondering why their silly little town would change many of its polling locations without notifying its citizenry.

If you’re looking for reasons, here are some good ones that would explain the odd behavior of the City Council Leaders in this quirky small Minisoda village.

Top 10 Reasons Moorhead Changed Where To Vote:

10. Didn’t think college kids are old enough to vote.

9. Got some bad advice from the Secretary of State.

8. Wanted to keep polling locations a secret.

7. Thought a lawsuit would spice things up.

6. Felt like playing a joke on their city.

5. Thought that no one would really care.

4. They totally deny that they did it.

3. Wanted to give voters a challenge.

2. Simply a power trip gone bad.

1. Because they felt like it.

0. It was time for a change.

-1. Just for the fun of it.

-2. Hey, it’s no big deal!

Some Minnesota Lakes Showing Early Signs Of Fermentation

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Lake fermentation is one of the early signs of a bigger problem: Global Fermentation.

Vergas, MN – Trained experts from Minnesota’s department of natural resources are saying that some lakes are now starting to show early signs of fermentation.

Dr. Martie Fenton, who has studied fermentation since he joined a fraternity in college, says that these early signs of lake fermentation are a harbinger of things to come regarding Global Fermentation.

Dr. Fenton in his own fermented words: “The lakes where we are seeing fermentation are usually related to where there are a lot of people living or camping such as Beers Lake near Maplewood State Park.”

A few other lakes on the fermentation list are: Whiskey Lake, Scotch Lake, Bootleg Lake, and also Highlife Lake.

If you think your lake is starting to ferment, please call the Minnesota DNR at your earliest convenience so that trained experts can come out and sip samples of your lake water.

Ironically, all of the letters in Martie Fenton can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Fermentation!

Montana Tractor Picked Up By Tornado Lands In Minnesota

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This powerful tornado somehow carried a tractor all the way across the state of North Dakota!

Climax, MN – A tractor that started out in Crane, Montana ended up in Climax, Minnesota thanks to a very large and fast moving tornado.

Tornadologist Corry Langfitt says he’s never seen anything like it: “Yeah, I ain’t never seen anything like it,” says Corry, who went on to say: “This would be considered very unusual, if you’re asking me.”

Gatlin Rycroft, the owner of the tractor, was quite surprised to find that his tractor had flown all the way from Crane, Montana, across the entire state of North Dakota, and then into Minnesota where it landed just before it got to Climax.

Gatlin in his own words: “If you would’ve told me my darn tractor would get picked up by a tornado, and then go and land over there in Minnesota, I’da thought you were some kinda crazy nutcase!”

Ironically, all the letters in both Langfitt Corry and Gatlin Rycroft can be re-arranged to spell: Flying Tractor!