Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.
Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.
The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.
“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.
This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.
West Fargo, ND – We asked all of our FMO team members to brainstorm various ways to stay warm during the dead of winter here near Fargo, North Dakota.
We then slowly simmered the list of a hundred ideas down into this Top Ten List.
Please feel free to add to our list via comments or emails.
☺ Top Ten Ways To Stay Warm During The Winter In Fargo:
10. Only wear clothes that came out of the dryer within the last 10 minutes. 9. Ask to test out a hot tub at each of the various local dealerships. 8. Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall. 7. Turn your smallest bathroom into a sauna. 6. Roll up in a blanket and sip coffee. 5. Jumping Jacks in long underwear. 4. Invite your neighbors to huddle. 3. Rent the movie Hot Cocoa. 2. Microwave Hot Pockets. 1. Crank the heat!
The town and the house he grew up in welcome Jason Bourne home again.
Oakes, ND – After learning that he lived and grew up in North Dakota prior to having his brain scrambled by the CIA, Jason Bourne has decided to move home again.
Jason Bourne: I am very much looking forward to once again living in Oakes, North Dakota where I was supposedly raised and in the home where they tell me I grew up. Hopefully I will remember someone there. It would be fun to get out and do some pheasant hunting.
Pamela Landy: After all he’s been through, I am so glad Jason might finally find some normalcy. He is a good guy who unfortunately has been through a lot. Oakes sounds like a perfect place for him to decompress for awhile.
Noah Vosen: We will be keeping a very close eye on Jason Bourne who is still a national asset and hopefully no longer a liability.
Nicky Parsons: If moving to Oakes, North Dakota is what Jason wants to do, I’m glad for him. Since I do love him very much, I may also consider moving to Oakes just in case Jason might be in need of some female companionship.
North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)
Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.
In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”
The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.
If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.
Bismarck, ND – In its infinite wisdom, the state of North Dakota has banned the game of Pinochle.
Based on an anonymous complaint from Mr. Simon DeFalco that some other seasoned citizens were playing Pinochle for untaxed prizes, the ND legislature unanimously passed a bill outlawing Pinochle in North Dakota.
Pinochle is an ancient card game dating back to the Greeks. Socrates taught Plato Pinochle, who in turn taught Aristotle, who in turn brought Pinochle to America on the Pinta with Columbus in 1492.
Pinochle players in North Dakota will now either have to: 1. switch to Cribbage, 2. take their Pinochle playing underground and behind curtains, or 3. travel to Minnesota, which is one of the most liberal states in the nation when it comes to playing Pinochle.
The heart-felt reaction to the new law from the president of North Dakota’s Pinochle Clubs, Mr. Diamond Spader went like this: “Well, when Pinochle is outlawed, then only outlaws will play Pinochle.”
Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.
Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”
In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.
“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”
If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.
Architectural rendering of North Dakota’s new Governor’s Mansion
Bismarck, ND – North Dakota has finally decided to build a new Governor’s Mansion, since its current one looks like an out-dated, dilapidated, detached garage.
The Capitol Grounds Planning Commission basically told the architects to “spare no expense” in making sure that North Dakota’s new Governor’s Residence is “twice as nice” as the one in South Dakota.
The final design for the new $55 million dwelling which was recently approved by The Commission is similar to one of Hugh Hefner’s famous Playboy mansions.
The new Gubernatorial Party Palace will reportedly have multiple large hot-tubs, an indoor shooting range, original paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, and a fully-stocked petting zoo and liquor cabinet.
Underground tunnels will allow the Governor and First Lady to comfortably walk to the Capitol during a blizzard, as well as to the former Governor’s Residence, which will be used as a Dog House for the First Dog.