Tag Archives: olympics

Next Olympic Winter Games To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

The new F-M Curling Club was the deciding factor to have the next Winter Olympic Games in Fargo.

Fargo, ND – The city of Fargo has been abuzz ever since the International Olympic Committee announced that Fargo, North Dakota will host the next Winter Games.

When Fargo first bid for the Winter Olympic Games, most people ridiculed the idea as fake news, and laughed until they cried.

It turns out that in Fargo, the I.O.C. found everything it was looking for in a Winter Games host city.

From their official announcement statement: “Fargo, North Dakota is a paragon-perfect poster-child place that can host the next Winter Games cost-effectively, logically, efficiently, and safely. Plus, Fargo has a lot of fine restaurants and places to drink mass quantities of bier.”

One insider leaked that Fargo’s new, state-of-the-art Curling Club was one of the main reasons Fargo was chosen to host the next Winter Olympix, since curling has now become the #1 favorite spectator event of The Winter Games.

During this leak, the leaker also mentioned that the only real thing Fargo will have to do to prepare for The Games is create some good-sized mountains, possibly from all the dirt that will soon be excavated for the Red River Diversion.

Many Wondering How Curling Can Be Considered An Olympic Sport?

Since curling is basically shuffleboard on ice, it is more of a game than a sport.

Game Lodge, SD Many are seriously questioning how Curling became an Olympic “sport” and why it still remains one?

Compared to anything done on skis or skates, it seems that Curling is more in the category of playing Shuffleboard, Bocce Ball, and Cornholio (aka Bean Bags).

Jack Flushing, president of Poker America, believes that if Curling is considered an Olympic “sport”, then so too should Poker also be an Olympic sport.

How do you feel about Curling as as Olympic “sport”?

Do you think it is on the same level as Cross Country Skiing and Downhill Racing?

Does it make sense to you that some Olympic “athletes” can win medals for madly sweeping ice with a broom?

Would you be willing to carry a sign in an anti-Curling protest march?

West Fargo Runners Admit To Drinking Mt. Dew Before Running 3-Minute Mile

With the help of Mt. Dew, the world record was just shattered by these two West Fargo heroes.

West Fargo, ND – After two West Fargo athletes broke the three-minute mile barrier, they both admitted to cheating by drinking a couple Mountain Dews prior to their record-breaking race.

Zippy Blistad and Flasher Perkins both ran a mile in just under three minutes during the final race of the day.

During their post-race interview with ESPN each of the boys openly admitted to drinking “a lot” of Mountain Dew soda pop soft drink to boost their racing parameters.

Obviously it worked. Unfortunately, both athletes will be banned from the Olympix due to new Doping Standards imposed after recent revelations revealing rampant rule regulations.

If you and your family would like to meet and greet Zippy and Flasher and also perhaps congratulate them on their amazing accomplishment, the boys will be doing a Congratulatory Run through the streets of West Fargo. If they look at all tired or slow, offer them up some Mt. Dew for a nice little kick-start.

Lyan Lochte Falsely Reports That Zika Caused His Hair Color Change

caption hier

Lochte’s hair reportedly changed color prematurely after the Zika Virus held a gun to his head while drunk in a gas station bathroom.

Lochte Lomond, CA – Ryan Lochte who first reported that his hair changed color after becoming infected with the Zika Virus now admits that he personally dyed his hair while drunk at a gas station bathroom in Rio.

After sobering up back in the Olympic Village, Lochte’s wallet somehow was found inside his mother’s purse which were both discovered by a security guard at a gas station bathroom in Des Moines, Iowa.

Lochte also confessed to adding toxic green algae to the Olympic diving pool on a dare from his swimmates Jack Congo, Gunner Bends, and Jimmy Fallon.

Subsequent to serving time in a Brazilian prison for conduct unbecoming of an Olympic athlete, Lyan Ryan Lochte plans to permanently move to Brazil since becoming good friends with some of the Brazilian police officers who investigated this truly bizarre case.

Ryan Lochte Found Hiding In Swimming Pool

Ok, whatever

Sorry I guess, and junk

Rochester, NY – Amidst controversy over statements made to A Polícia Brasileira, Ryan Lochte had been sought for questioning until today. With help, A Polícia Brasileira have located Lochte hiding in his favorite training facility swimming pool.

The Olympic swimmer had been hiding underwater for 15 minute intervals until A Polícia Brasileira detained him via a non-anonymous tip.

“I mean, like, oops? I just didn’t want to get my bros in trouble, so, like, I made it sound like, like, it, like, was like, a robbery or whatever,” said a stammering Lochte, whose body temperature had fallen tremendously after sitting for 3 straight days submerged in água fria.

“O dopey swimmer vai responder to falsificação de informações,” said enforcer of A Polícia Brasileira Janio Almeida, who chose to locate-extricate Lochte under condition of anonymity via diplomatic immunity.

Lochte will now reluctantly meet with A Polícia Brasileira to discuss what to do about what he told A Polícia Brasileira. He will remain in the United States since A Polícia Brasileira have now confiscated his passaporte.

Zika Fears Creating Need For Last-Minute Olympic Substitutes

#1,234 ranked golfer John Daly says yes to participating in the Zika Games.

#1,234 ranked golfer John Daly says yes to participating in the Zika Games.

Rio, Braziliana – Unexpected opportunities for unlikely Olympic participants are being caused by Olympic qualifiers deciding to not go to the Rio Games due to Zikaphobia.

After years of training, sacrificing, and qualifying for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, many athletes who should be going are not.

Since none of the American Men’s Golf Team qualifiers are participating due to Zikaphobia, players such as John Daly, who is currently ranked #1,234 in the world, are stepping up to represent their country.

In some other Olympic competitions, substitutes with literally zero experience in that sport are volunteering to give it a shot.

Toby Smucker, who has never thrown a shotput in his life, will be representing the USA in the shotput event.

Amanda Garson, who has a chronic bad ankle, will be competing for her country in the Women’s 200 meter hurdle event.

If you would like to participate in the 2016 Rio Games, please contact the American Olympics Committee as soon as possible and indicate what sport(s) you would like to try.

Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay

rio sugar loaf compressed

Water into wine

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Water pollution isn’t the only thing tainting the enchanting landscape of Rio de Janeiro, home of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Scientists now warn that the polluted Guanabara Bay in Rio is rotting a famous landmark.

Sugarloaf Mountain, or Pão de Açúcar as it’s called in its native tongue. The mountain gets its name from its shape: a loaf of refined cane sugar. Unfortunately, it bisects Guanabara Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As you can see in the graphic, it’s in a precarious position.

Bictor Tedhanger

Crackpot Geologist Bictor Tedhanger

Geologist Bictor Tedhanger warns that the mighty Sugarloaf is falling victim to the pollution of its neighboring bay. He threw some geographical jargon at this alarming fact. “Peak elevation of Sugarloaf’s baserock structure has reduced 8.594 cm per year over the past 14.2948 years, partly due to global warming but mostly due to water pollution. The Sugarloaf bedrock is, in essence, fermenting, turning Guanabara Bay into toilet wine.”

The best part about Pão de Açúcar is you can ride a cable car up to the top and see the entire city. It’s a spectacular view, but for how much longer? Either they clean up the bay, or Sugarloaf melts into the ocean. 

Sugarloaf Mountain will need to be renamed Sugarloaf Butte or Sugarloaf Hill if and when it falls below a certain height. Scientists urge you to use it while you can, before its sugar loaf dissolves.

2016 Rio Olympics Being Moved To Zanzibar

Zanzibar: The site of the 2016 Rio Olympics!

Zanzibar: The new site of the 2016 Rio Olympics!

Zanzibar City, Zanzibar – Since Rio de Janeiro is having such a plethora of problems including: a government meltdown, uncontrolled street violence, raw sewage in Guanabara Bay, an epic water shortage, and the zika virus, the International Olympic Committee has decided to change the site of the 2016 Rio Games to Zanzibar.

Zanzibar, which is known for its spices, has sometimes been called the Spice Islands. It is the location of the world’s shortest war, which lasted only 38 minutes against Britain.

Olympic athletes, when not competing in the 2016 Rio Games in Zanzibar, will be able to enjoy spending time at a number of wonderful clean beaches, do some scuba and snorkeling with turtles and dolphins, visit Cheetah’s Rock, see the Seaweed Center and the House Of Wonders, relax at the Butterfly Centre, eat at numerous restaurants in Stone Town, and finish off the day drinking tangawizi (ginger beer).

Because of local religious practices, both women and men should make an effort to cover their legs and arms, avoid public displays of affection, drink alcohol discreetly, and fast during Ramadan.

So, see you all in Zanzibar from August 5-21, the newly announced site for the 2016 Rio Olympics!

Live Your Passion in Zanzibar!

New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics

caption here

One new Olympic event is the Doughnut Eating Contest!

Sochi, Russia – Olympics officials have announced some new and exciting events that will make their international debut at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games.

SnowCat Fights: Women from opposing countries try to run each other over while driving treaded snowcat mountain machines.

Vertical Toboggan Run: An exciting 100-foot vertical drop straight down in a small wooden toboggan. Watch out at the bottom!

Avalanche Survival Test Event: Team competition that awards one point for each team member who survives a real-life avalanche. 

King of the Hill: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Whoever can stand at the top of the giant snowpile for a full ten seconds is declared the winner.

Team/Individual Snowball Fights: This is a high-speed cross between DodgeBall and PaintBall except it is played with snowballs, none of which can be pre-made.

Donkey Kong Races: Multi-faceted racing event in which participants are blind-folded, covered with a gunny sack, and then spun in circles, just before the start gun.

Penguin Shooting Contest: Just imagine skiing to the next shooting location, drinking a shot of vodka, shooting real penguins, and then repeating this over and over.

Snowman Build & Destroy Event: Another team event which should really be a crowd favorite!

Snow Angels: Individual competition but held in two different categories – Gay and Straight.

Ice Skate Throwing: With such sharp blades, this one can get bloody dangerous, as the Brits would say.

Find the Black Widow Suicide Bomber: This is a special team event for the Sochi Olympic security staff.

Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.

Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.

All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.

Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”

As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.