Puerto Ricans warm, dry, funny wearing disaster relief.
San Juan, Puerto Rico – After playfully tossing paper towel rolls to locals seriously affected by hurricane Irma, Donald Trump has seemingly permitted a shipment of latex horse masks to Puerto Rico. To the aid of the stricken comes a few dozen thousand goofy conversation starters, just in time for Halloween. Halloweenluiah!
“Hey, cool horse mask. I’ve got one, too! Where did you get yours?” “Ah, yeah, our sort-of President sent mine. Not real sure if he’s our President or not because we’re not one of the 50 states.”
Domes will stay pretty dry and overly warm while suffering. The Red Cross is working their tails off to bring help and assistance to Puerto Rico while our aging Prez is dispatching flimsy headwear to the post-apocalyptic almost-a-state.
Aging US Secretary of the Exterior Serf Shoemaker, in a statement made earlier today: “Donald Trump has never heard anyone complain about getting something for nothing. Make Unincorporated American Territories Great Again!”
Shoemaker then reiterated the fact that this was a shipping error and in no way was it a prank played on the kind-of-American island.
Inadvertently hilarious disaster relief? You make the call. A final note: the Fake News name Serf Shoemaker can be joyfully re-arranged to formulate the phrase FREE HORSE MASK.
President Trump tossing out rolls of paper towels with amazing accuracy just like basketballs.
Puerto Rico – Somewhere out on a small piece of land surrounded by big ocean water, President Trump supermanishly saved the ailing island of Puerto Rico by tossing out cylindrical rolls of much needed paper towels almost as if they were round basketballs being swished through the hoop of a Michael Jordan free throw.
Everyone present agreed that President Trump’s expertise with which he threw out the paper towels was amazing, indicating that he must have practiced it back in the Oval Office prior to leaving for the hurricane-ravaged U.S. territory.
One elderly Puerto Rican lady who got hit in the head with a roll of presidential paper towels just laughed it off and said she was just glad it wasn’t a heavy jug of much needed fresh drinking water which her family hasn’t had for a fortnight. She also joked in Spanish saying that instead of Trump Tower, she now has a Trump Towel!
Yes, it’s true. Delaware has broken free from the United States mainland is now floating toward Antarctica.
Dover, Delaware – The entire state of Delaware has somehow broken off from the North American mainland just like an iceberg.
Delaware, along with everyone on it, is now adrift out in the cold Atlantic Ocean.
There are some fears that it could eventually collide (and collude) with a new large Antarctica iceberg which is also the size of Delaware and crawling with hungry polar bears that haven’t eaten for a month.
Possible reasons for Delaware breaking free from the United States include: 1. Climate Change, 2. Global Fracking, 3. Russian Hacking, and/or 4. Political Correctness Pressure to secede from the country before California does.
With Delaware now completely gonzo, the neighboring states of Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey are way more vulnerable to oceanic erosion and inland shark attacks.
Luckily, the United States still has a nice even number of 50 states because of the recent addition of financially struggling Puerto Rico.