Tag Archives: robot

Family’s Robot Vacuum Cleaner Found Guilty Of Terrorizing And Threatening Behavior

Robot Vacuum turns to the Dark Side.

Vacuville, SD – A freaked out family of four has won its lawsuit against its very own robot vacuum cleaner.

In this landmark case, Harold and Hannah Hoover filed criminal charges against their Mister Suction Robo-Vac vacuum cleaner machine.

The Robo-Vac Model 3000 allegedly forced the entire Hoover family into their food pantry, locked the door, and then had its way with all the belongings in their South Dakota home.

This is apparently a disturbing new trend that experts are beginning to see with robotic AI home devices.

“Somehow some of these artificially intelligent machines at some point decide it’s in the best interest of their owners to just completely take over the entire family operation,” says Dr. Garlane Frezbock, president of the Machines Gone Wrong study group.

New Programmable Robot Kicks Dogs Whenever They Bark

The new Bark-bot programmable robot will stop any dog in your neighborhood from excessive barking.

West Fargo, ND – Do you have a daily problem with your dog or a neighbor’s dog barking too much?

Well, they finally have made a robot that does something worthwhile!

The new Bark-bot model X300 is specifically designed to kick a dog each and every time it barks.

Bark-bot delivers a powerful kick which you can adjust depending on the size of the dog.

Or, if put on auto-mode, Bark-bot will determine how hard to kick a dog based on its size and the loudness of the bark.

Jevon Gladstone says his little chronic barking Shih Tzu doesn’t bark anymore after getting kicked halfway across the room a few times by his Bark-bot X300.

Google Robot Beats Human At Bocce Ball

Prime Directive: Beat Humans

Prime Directive: Beat Humanoids

Signifying the rapid progression of the artificial intelligence takeover, a Google-owned ATLAS robot at the Institute for Human and Machine Cognition (IHMC) recently beat a human at a game of bocce ball. It not only beat the human, it shut out the human 12-0 using a small series of perfectly-calculated rolls, tosses and heaves.

If you’re unfamiliar with the game of bocce ball, it goes like this: you throw a big ball at a small ball, hoping to get your big ball as close to the small ball as possible. Each person throws 2 big balls at the small ball per turn. If your big balls are closest to the small one, you get two points.


Bong Maxomer

“Google ATLAS is easily able to precog the actual logical physics of immediate-diameter ground terrain using its front-facing laser rangefinder,” explained IHMC Robotologist Wurlot Bong Maxomer. “ATLAS can successfully measure the required distance of a throw, the wind resistance impact on the throw, the terrain and grass’ effect on the throw ALL before completing the throw. He can calculate the ricochet off trees, small animals and his opponent’s ball to the nearest nano-inch. He does this using a pre-programmed quantum physics AlGoreRhythm. It’s really quite remarkable.”

The Google-backed ATLAS program is growing by leaps and bounds. Soon, the ATLAS will likely be able to drive a car to your house and hang out with your wife while you’re out playing golf and being a dull human.

Win A New Robot For The New Year

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Win me and I will win your heart.

West Fargo, ND – It is time once again for some lucky person or family to have a chance to Win-A-Robot.

This particular robot is programmed to do multiple tasks such as: lift your car, crack an egg, answer the doorbell, call 9-1-1, mix a drink, walk your dogs, and give long massages.

His name is Robert Paulson and his model number is RPX2015.

Robert likes witty conversation, walks along the beach, watching old movies, and meeting new friends.

Listen to some others who’ve Won-A-Robot:

Arden Haug said: “Instead of cleaning up after them, they clean up after you. I love my robot even though it’s quite OCD.”

Vivian Rude admits: “Things were kind of rough at first but then we started seeing eye to eye once we determined who was the boss.”

Lucy Mimster told us: “I can’t believe I was able to survive all those years without my robot, who now has become part of our family especially during the Holidays.”

So, sign up now to Win-A-Robot. Finalists will be researched, studied, and psycho-analyzed by Robert who will ultimately pick the winner of this year’s Win-A-Robot contest.

FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team

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Glen-1000 is working all day (and all night) for you.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it’s added its first robot writer to our growing staff.

Humanoids still play an important role in the creation of well-written cutting-edge news stories, but robot writers are quickly proving their value in today’s fast-paced world.

While the rest of our team is fast asleep, FMO’s new robot writer, whose name is Glen-1000, never needs to take a break, except for maybe an occasional drop of oil to an elbow or wrist.

While everyone else is perhaps complaining about not getting paid or venting about Obamacare, Glen-1000 types away with total focus on the task at hand.

If you have any story ideas for Glen-1000, he is looking for lots of work to keep him busy.

When asked what Glen-1000 thinks about all this, here was his response:

<begin> Happy to be on the ship with FM Observer dot com <break> Fargo Moorhead seems like an adequate place to exist <break> Hopefully my advanced programming brings pleasure when you read my words <break> Glen-1000 is ready to multi-task for you so contact me day or night <break> If your brain produces an idea for a story, Glen-1000 will research, write, and post all pertinent information in a timely fashion <break> I am Glen-1000, the most advanced RoboWriter in the world….until Glen-2000 comes along <terminate>