Tag Archives: russia

Russian Roulette Club (Once Again) Seeking One New Member

Chances are nothing bad will happen.

Moscow, Idaho – A Russian Roulette Club is actively seeking one new member to fill the vacant seat of a former member who suffered a mishap.

“In any game of chance you have your ups and downs, and unfortunately for our previous club member, he experienced one of the downs,” says this Russian Roulette Club’s president Sonny Moua.

Sonny continues: “Bad things periodically happen but at this point, we just pick up the pieces and move on. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

If you’re looking for a fun time, and want to hang out with people who like to live on the edge, perhaps consider joining a Russian Roulette Club.

Just by chance, all the letters in Sonny Moua can be spun around to spell: Anonymous!

Cigar-Shaped Alien Spacecraft Actually A Large French Bread Heading For Fargo

Mr. Hankey believes this is indeed an alien spacecraft based on the fact that it actually has functional headlights.

Oumuamua, Hawaii – The FM Observer is proudly excited to exclusively report that we have just received confirmation from Mr. Hankey that the large meteor which is on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota is actually an alien spacecraft disguised as a giant French bread even though CNN has been referring to it as one of Bill Clinton’s wayward cigars.

Mr. Hankey in his own words: “By using special equipment at our FM Observatory on Hawaii, we have noticed that the alien French bread not only has headlights, but they are actually turned on, and aiming directly at Fargo, North Dakota.”

“Not only that, but we have also picked up radio waves from this French bread which seem to be continually broadcasting Rush Limbaugh’s theme song, intermittently interrupted with a high-pitched voice asking for a secret meeting with Donald Trump and his son-in-law.”

Because of this new revelation, special counsel Robert Mueller now believes President Trump (with some assistance from Stephen Hawking) has been colluding with aliens, which are seemingly on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota, whilst travelling at the speed of bread inside a large French-made spacecraft waiting to be lit like a Clintonian cigar.

Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”

Ukraine President’s Brother Weird Al Yanukovych Releases Album

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Estranged brothers: Viktor Yanukovych and Weird Al Yanukovych

Kiev, Ukraine – Although it is common to see Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych in the news, it is one of his relatives who is making headlines as of late.

The President’s estranged brother, Weird Al Yanukovych has been stealing the spotlight in the embattled region with the release of his latest album, “Not Back To The USSR”, which he says is “custom created for the narcissist to our north”.

Popular among Ukraine’s hipster crowd, Mr. Yanukovych has long been revered for his satirical remakes of western songs.  His music offers much needed comic relief in a land that many consider to be the least humorous place on earth.  “If I can give my people a chuckle in the face of all this chaos and uncertainty, then I’ve done my job,” states Yanukovych.  “And if I can stick it to my idiot brother in the process, then that’s just honey on my pierogi.”

Weird Al Yanukovych was elevated to icon status in the early 90’s with his Billboard-topping Eurythmics cover, “Here Comes Ukraine Again”.  Since then, some of the world’s biggest artists have given him permission to change their songs’ lyrics in the name of laughter.  It is widely rumored that the artist formerly known as Prince offered Yanukovych 1,000 pounds of caviar to create “Purple Ukraine”, another of his top hits.

The release of his latest album comes at a time when political unrest and a threatening Russian military presence along Ukraine’s border are taking their toll on the country’s citizens.  “We need a laugh now more than ever,”  said Yanukovych at a recent press conference.  “These politicians are total nutcases, but I’m the ‘Weird’ one?  What’s wrong with this picture?”

The album, “Not Back To The USSR” is currently available on iTunes and will soon hit stores worldwide.  Yanukovych was kind enough to give us the list of tracks, which you can check out below:

Not Back To The USSR (original song by The Beatles)
If I Had a Million Vodkas (original song by Barenaked Ladies)
Crimea River (original song by Justin Timberlake)
Smells Like Mean Spirit (original song by Nirvana)
Heart of Cold (original song by Neil Young)
You Are Not My Sunshine (original song by Willie Nelson)
The Sound Of Violence (original song by Simon and Garfunkel)
Every Putin Wants To Rule The World (original song by Tears for Fears)
Locked Up In Prison (original song by Bruno Mars)
Achy Breaky Sovereignty (original song by Billy Ray Cyrus)
If I Was Your Despot (original song by Justin Bieber)

Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi

olympic rings Sochi, Russia – The man responsible for operating the Olympic rings during this years Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Russia was found dead in his run down hotel room yesterday.

The Daily Currant has reported that T. Borris Avdeyev was found in his hotel room early this morning with multiple stab wounds.

So far it is being investigated as an ‘accident’.  However, people around the world are starting to question if it really was just an accident or if it was Vladimir Putin himself snuffing out the problem..

The local news paper was able to get a hold of Putin himself after he was finished with his daily afternoon greco roman wrestling matches with his buddies.

After taking his halo from his head and putting it down beside him, Vladimir simply stated, “Vodka.  Do you want?”

That was it.  He took a swag of some Vodka and then went back to his greco roman wrestling matches with his friends.

Although highly suspectful, we believe Mr Avdeyev did indeed slip and fall on some knives.

If there are any new details to this story we will sure report them.

FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

Dear People Of Mother Russia: Дорогие люди России-матушки:

We are your friends. Мы ваши друзья.

We mean you no harm. Мы не причиним вам никакого вреда.

We come in peace and have vodka. Мы пришли с миром и есть водку.

Since Putin has shutdown your state media, we invite you to save our website in your list of favorites. Поскольку Путин имеет выключение государственные СМИ, мы приглашаем вас, чтобы спасти наш сайт в свой ​​список фаворитов.

Our website, the FM Observer, can provide you an excellent source of news from around the world. Наш сайт, FM-наблюдатель, может обеспечить вам отличный источник новостей со всего мира.

The FM stands for Fargo Moorhead. FM выступает за Fargo Moorhead.

We call our website the Observer because we observe people at grocery stores and fitness centers and in parking lots. Мы называем наш сайт по наблюдению, поскольку мы наблюдаем людей в продуктовых магазинах и фитнес-центров и на парковках.

We are decent people who like a good time. Мы порядочные люди, которые любят хорошо провести время.

We can also hopefully make you laugh during the long cold Russian winter. Мы можем также, надеюсь, заставит вас смеяться в течение долгой холодной русской зимы.

We also like to drink vodka and sing songs. Мы также хотели пить водку и петь песни.

Some of us have large vegetable gardens. Некоторые из нас имеют большие огороды.

Some men here like to dress up as women. Некоторые мужчины здесь любят наряжаться, как женщины.

Sometimes when other drivers cut in front of us, we experience Road Rage. Иногда, когда другие водители сократить перед нами, мы испытываем Road Rage.

We are just like you except different. Мы, как и вы, за исключением по-другому.

We want you to like us on Facebook. Мы хотим, чтобы вы были бы мы на Facebook.

If you need anything from the American people, contact Secretary John Kerry. Если вам нужно что-нибудь от американского народа, свяжитесь секретаря Джона Керри.

Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.

Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.

All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.

Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”

As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.

Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

washington-urges-russia-to-return-edward-snowden-to-usMoscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said defiantly in response to the United States’ demand for extradition, “We don’t have your Mr. Snow White. Mother Russia does not know the whereabouts of your Casper Friendly Ghost, and even if Mother Russia did, it would not simply give Frosty Snow Man over to you free of charge.”

Officials representing many countries around the world are not entirely sure of the whereabouts of Colorless Carmen San Diego. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be in contact with Edward Snowman, saying that the Great White Whistleblower was “only passing through Russia” and may be en route to Ecuador or perhaps Iceland.

Wherever Edward Snowden does happen to land, we hope he’s finally able to get some sun.