We are very sorry. For causing any trouble. We did not know. That our presence on Earth. Was going to be such a big deal.
Stephen, MN – The mysterious UFO encounter which happened in Minnesota’s Marshall county forty years ago has finally been solved.
Three space aliens who had recently been detained on unrelated drug charges confessed to flying the orb-like spaceship which was at the center of the infamous 1979 UFO sighting.
“Yes, it was our Orb cruiser which caused the bright light and then accidentally struck the squad car of Deputy Val Johnson near Stephen Minnesota,” said the three spaced aliens, as translated through their alien attorney.
The three undocumented aliens went on to say: “We mean the people of Earth no harm. We only wanted to co-mingle and party with you frackers. Even though you’re a relatively primitive species, we admire your gumption and spunk.”
Expect to see many more Rocket Bikes flying out into deep space.
Fargo, ND – A young Fargo man who shall remain unnamed since he is only age 15, has not only started his own company called Space Exit, but has also designed, built, and successfully flown his own Rocket Bike into space.
Jermaine Vincent Cohen, who just turned 15 on Saturday, wanted to prove that his dream of flying a rocket bike into space was not only achievable, but also marketable.
His Fargo-based company called Space Exit will soon begin mass-producing his amazing Rocket Bike so other thrill-seekers can experience the extreme exhilaration of blasting off and riding a bike out into deep space.
Some industry analysts are saying that young Jermaine Cohen’s Rocket Bike is to travel as the iPhone was to communication.
This is possibly the first of many busloads of illegal aliens trying to enter the U.S. by flying in over the new Trump Wall.
Moonshine, Illinois – Top scientists from our top-notch science department are warning that a large school bus believed to be full of illegal aliens will be passing between the Earth and the Moon soon.
It is not known who if anyone is drinking while driving this bus nor whether or not it will be just passing on through, making subsequent secondary passes, or perhaps even make a stop for supplies and maby even an extended visitation without representation.
The well-respected Dr. Goytam Tesfalem believes that these so-called illegal aliens might even be trying to 1. either leave this sector to escape paying back taxes, or 2. use the space bus to get over the Trump Wall and freely enrolled in Obamacare.
Spaceologists are wanting to point out that the space-travelling busload of alien freeloaders will be visible during upcoming night skies and there is even a chance they may land in your back yard so you might want to stock up on a variety of refreshments so as to be prepared and not seem like you didn’t expect to be having some unexpected guests drop in directly from space, the penultimate frontier.
Fargo, ND – While working on his school project for the upcoming Science Fair, a Fargo teenager somehow created an actual wormhole in his bedroom.
As we all know, a wormhole is a shortcut to another point in the space-time continuum offering a shorter distance between two vastly separated areas of the universe.
Daron Bainbridge, a sophomore at Fargo’s new Carlmont High School, now knows that wormholes are no longer just a theoretical hypothesis predicted by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.
Daron Bainbridge in his own words: “While tinkering around with some information I was reading about the Einstein-Rosen bridge, all of a sudden I was staring at a tunnel-like connection into spacetime right next to my frickin bed!”
Daron’s Physics teacher, Dr. Markus Lyberth: “Daron is a good student who is always trying to put various ideas together in different ways. Creating a wormhole is not only remarkable, especially at his young age, but at the same time can be quite dangerous due to the possibility of sudden collapse of the wormhole, not to mention radioactivity, along with coming in contact with exotic anti-matter heretofore unbeknownst to mankind.”
Pictured: Denmark’s 3 square-mile Self-Contained Village Unit 54. This monstrosity houses an entire village of humans as it closely orbits Earth.
This article originally published February 5th, 2066
Nebula 79.10250:91.01, Property Of Finland—The Interstellar Order Of Protection has charged the country of Denmark with unlawful trespass after one of Denmark’s self-contained village units inadvertently breached an intergalactic boundary, traversing space territory owned by Finland.
Since the first colonization of space nebulae in 2048, accidents like these are not uncommon.
Negligence here on the part of Denmark’s Galactic Colonization Effort resulted in their Self-Contained Village Unit’s (SCVU) unlawful drift into Finlandic Nebula 79.10250:91.01’s established boundary.
High Ruler Of Denmark Qens Vuntnen called the trespass accidental. “Megathrusters on starboard 3-mile fell inactive, causing SCVU 54 to rove nearly 1,000 meters outward. The last thing we want is a nebulaic trespass to propel the galaxy into another Star Wars. Please know that this was a mishap.”
The penalty for space trespass is a fine of 4,000,000, payable in only Marklar.
Chocolate Valley, Mars – As many scientists have long suspected, the planet Mars has been discovered to have large amounts of chocolate on its surface.
Kudoto Kimikuku, Chief Chocolate Research Scientist for NASA says: “Large rivers of rich dark chocolate have been found flowing on Mars much like the heavy sledge of a BP oil slick.”
Now that the presence of chocolate has been confirmed on Mars, that opens up the possibility that early pioneers traveling to Mars can survive by eating a chocolate-rich diet of cookies, cake, and candies.
If you are interested in signing up to win a free trip to Mars, simply email the FM Observer, explaining in 500 words or less how much you love chocolate and why you should be chosen to make the short jaunt to our neighboring chocolate planet.
Ready, Set, Blast Off to the new Burger King Space Station Restaurant!
Kennedy Space Center, FL – NASA and the Burger King Corporation are very proud to announce that their joint effort to put a Burger King restaurant into space orbit has finally been realized.
With today comes news that a flying Double Whopper® no tomato, no lettuce, extra cheese has been blasted into orbit. The aircraft, tentatively named SpaceBurger, is home for a brand new Burger King franchise that is scheduled to land on Mars in the year 2018.
Any asstronauts out for a leisurely spacewalk or hungry legal aliens who might be passing through our galaxy will be happily surprised to find a wide variety of zero-gravity fast-food offerings at the new SpaceBurger King location:
Dehydrated Whopper Jr
Dry Ice Fries
You should know that intergalactic commerce does not accept our puny Earth currency–orders must be paid for in Marklar, the official space dollar. One Gooburger is slated to cost you seven Marklar, while the price for one Dehydrated Whopper Jr is set at five Marklar.
Burger King President Bernardo Cheese indicates that another similar orbiting restaurant will soon be launched but this next one will look like an order of Chicken Fries. Other fast food chains are also planning their own spaced-out restaurants; some being designed with outdoor Kiddy Playlands.
NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia
Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.
Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.
Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.
A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”
The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.