Tag Archives: trump

Air Force Space Command Protesting Space Force

Not good enough anymore?

Not fast enough. Too small. Go back to watching your Star Wars movies, kid. You’ll never make it. That’s what they used to say to United States Air Force Space Command Lieutenant Gragg Bombgarden all those years leading up to his enlistment in the Air Force. They put him down, but all he wanted to do was go up.

Gragg went in as a Private some years back and worked his way up. And up and up. Until one of the highest military commands in the country demanded his services. He answered the call of the mighty Air Force Space Command as its premier lieutenant in 1993.

The Air Force Space Command, activated Sept. 1, 1982, is a major command with headquarters at Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado. AFSPC provides military focused space capabilities with a global perspective to the joint warfighting team. A “major” command that isn’t fast enough. Too small. Suddenly living in the shadow of a new military branch they are calling Space Force.

“The work we’re doin’ here ain’t crap. We stand by it. Did anybody tell them we exist?” Gragg’s mood turns sour at the mere mention of Space Force. He could be seen scowling at the face of Mike Pence during the announcement a couple days back.

And as a result, he’s suspending Lieutenant ops until this whole thing gets sorted out. A military strike, of sorts. The base is shutting down shop until they are given the respect they deserve.


Aging Presidential Administration Ships Horse Masks To Puerto Rico

Puerto Ricans warm, dry, funny wearing disaster relief.

San Juan, Puerto Rico – After playfully tossing paper towel rolls to locals seriously affected by hurricane Irma, Donald Trump has seemingly permitted a shipment of latex horse masks to Puerto Rico. To the aid of the stricken comes a few dozen thousand goofy conversation starters, just in time for Halloween. Halloweenluiah!

“Hey, cool horse mask. I’ve got one, too! Where did you get yours?” “Ah, yeah, our sort-of President sent mine. Not real sure if he’s our President or not because we’re not one of the 50 states.”

Domes will stay pretty dry and overly warm while suffering. The Red Cross is working their tails off to bring help and assistance to Puerto Rico while our aging Prez is dispatching flimsy headwear to the post-apocalyptic almost-a-state.

Aging US Secretary of the Exterior Serf Shoemaker, in a statement made earlier today: “Donald Trump has never heard anyone complain about getting something for nothing. Make Unincorporated American Territories Great Again!”

Shoemaker then reiterated the fact that this was a shipping error and in no way was it a prank played on the kind-of-American island.

Inadvertently hilarious disaster relief? You make the call. A final note: the Fake News name Serf Shoemaker can be joyfully re-arranged to formulate the phrase FREE HORSE MASK.


Trump To Introduce Family’s New Pet Llama Whose Name Is Dolly

The newest addition to the Trump First Family: Dolly the Llama!

Washington, DC – Breaking from long-standing tradition once again, instead of introducing a new First Dog to the country as most presidents have done in the past, President Donald Trump and his First Family will be unveiling their new pet llama named Dolly.

As it was a gift from the Bolivian Llama Party, the First Llama hails from Bolivia where llamas are often adopted to become close members of Bolivian families who almost treat them as equals.

Dolly will freely roam the grounds of the White House for visitors to pet and perhaps even ride.

However, be forewarned that if she is overloaded with too much weight, Dolly the Llama may spit, hiss, or even kick, much like many Democrats have been doing ever since the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th president.

Pinochle Players Spending Most Of The Time Arguing About Trump

Trump wears the suit which ranks above all others and which can win a trick when someone wearing a different suit has been led.

Fair Play, TX – Ever since Donald Trump was elected president, what used to be friendly relaxing games of pinochle have become more heated political debate sessions.

Pinochle players such as Arnie Macnaughton of Fair Play, Texas admit that he and his pinochle cohorts now spend more time arguing about Trump than they do actually laying down their meld and trying to take tricks.

Arnie goes on to say that anytime someone mentions ‘Spades’, the conversation turns to shovel-ready jobs to build the southern border wall.

If someone says ‘Hearts’, we start talking about bleeding heart liberals and whether or not Obamacare should be repealed and replaced.

When ‘Diamonds’ are brought up, we wrangle about how the rich keep getting richer while the poor are left to stand in line outside of soup kitchens.

And good luck if ‘Clubs’ are brought up because then we start debating about all the protests and how that leads to civil unrest and anarchy.

Arnie Macnaughton along with many other pinochle players might need to switch to playing Bridge, or to be more specific: Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Large School Bus Full Of Illegal Aliens To Pass Between Earth And Moon

This is possibly the first of many busloads of illegal aliens trying to enter the U.S. by flying in over the new Trump Wall.

Moonshine, Illinois – Top scientists from our top-notch science department are warning that a large school bus believed to be full of illegal aliens will be passing between the Earth and the Moon soon.

It is not known who if anyone is drinking while driving this bus nor whether or not it will be just passing on through, making subsequent secondary passes, or perhaps even make a stop for supplies and maby even an extended visitation without representation.

The well-respected Dr. Goytam Tesfalem believes that these so-called illegal aliens might even be trying to 1. either leave this sector to escape paying back taxes, or 2. use the space bus to get over the Trump Wall and freely enrolled in Obamacare.

Spaceologists are wanting to point out that the space-travelling busload of alien freeloaders will be visible during upcoming night skies and there is even a chance they may land in your back yard so you might want to stock up on a variety of refreshments so as to be prepared and not seem like you didn’t expect to be having some unexpected guests drop in directly from space, the penultimate frontier.

Republican National Committee Considering Cormorant Mayor As Presidential Nominee

From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

Washington, DC – After a very tumultuous couple weeks, the Republican National Committee is flailing. The Donald has finally boasted himself out of public favor (for the most part–but some still want to Make America Great Again) and after last night’s debate meltdown, morale is lower than ever.

Reince Preibus has optioned another replacement nominee after his ridiculous idea of bringing in a broomstick to replace the Donald went south faster than those backyard sparrows did last week after the weather turned. 

Preibus: “Our nominee cannot be intolerant. He must be a friend to all. He mustn’t pander; he mustn’t beg, unless he’s really, really hungry (for votes). He must live to serve the American people. He must sift around in the grass for answers to what ails our country. He will sit, stay, lay down in the White House. He must be, in all cases, man’s best friend, mmkay?”

We suspect that Preibus is alluding to Duke, the mayor of lakeside town Cormorant in Minnesota.

Why Duke, you might ask? Duke, the incumbent mayor for the last 3 years, is not a chauvinist. He’s not a demagogue. He’s not a fascist. No, he’s none of these things because Duke is a 9-year-old Great Pyrenees.

Duke is clearly their guy. He will serve as an obvious upgrade from Donald Trump, who recently apologized for derogatory, aggrandizing banter made to a Bush about women. 

We expect a more formal announcement after Duke has his afternoon nap then goes potty.

Skittles Founder Responds To Newest Trump Campaign Metaphor

Skittletopia, West Virginia – The founding father of one of America’s favorite candies has taken offense to this new Trump campaign musing:

Bowl of delightfuls

Bowl of delightfuls

Shortly after Donald Trump, Jr tweeted that photo, Skittles pioneer Phictor Skittle went ballistic on behalf of the small sugary candy his family invented back in the early 1940s.

“Isn’t it too bad that a basket of deplorables chose to use my tart ‘n tangy tongue treats as xenophobic fodder for the refugee movement? It pains my taste buds to say this, but you’re far more likely to die from choking on one of my fruity delights than you are to get killed by a war-torn refugee. Leave my family’s gritty gum bombs out of it.”

Phictor Skittle has formally asked the Trump4Prez camp to remove this cruel, unfair depiction from the internet out of respect for his family’s succulent legacy.

Boy Drives Entire Family Nuts Practicing Trumpet

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Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

Trumbull, Nebraska – When Daniel Boddington first decided that he wanted to become a trumpet player in the school band, his family was so happy and excited.

Daniel’s parents spared no expense and bought him a brand new Bach TR300H2 300 Series golden trumpet.

Even though the new young trumpeter diligently practiced at home starting early every morning and until quite late every night, the sounds he produced unfortunately never really started to noticeably show any signs of improvement.

One neighbor described Daniel’s trumpet playing as “a cross between a semi truck’s sad sick air-horn crying out because it just lost its mate and some very bad loud gases being expelled at a flatus festival”.

How does Daniel Boddington’s family feel about his trumpet playing now?

Well, his father has gone completely mad, his mother just completed Phase II of a total nervous meltdown, and all of Daniel’s siblings are sponsored by Xanax and currently are bottoming out on opioid addiction.

As far as the school band, everyone is invited to attend their Spring Concert in which the band director has proudly chosen Daniel Boddington to play a five-minute solo during the piece which is entitled The Call Of the Trumpeter Swan.

Donald Trump Building Skyscraper In Moorhead “Just For The Hell Of It”

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Trump Tower Moorhead

Moorhead, Minisoda – Donald Trump announced tomorrow that he will soon begin construction of a 57-story skyscraper in downtown Moorhead.

Why Moorhead? The Donald’s answer: “Moorhead is a really, really great community. But the real reason is I want to build a huge skyscraper in Moorhead, quite honestly, is just for the hell of it.”

Why 57 stories? The Trumpster: “Well, for one, because there are 57 states in the United States, according to President Obama. For two, because 57 stories will put it at exactly three times taller than the North Dakota capitol building, which quite honestly, looks like a retirement home for old politicians.”

The new skyscraper will be called: Trump Tower Moorhead.

It is currently scheduled to open in the Fall of 2016, at the exact same time that the new Vikings Stadium opens its doors.

Rumor has it, from the top floor of Trump Tower Moorhead, you will be able to see downtown Murderapolis!