Tag Archives: ukraine

Chief Justice John Roberts Swears Himself In During Rare Senate Moment

A rare moment in history sees Chief Justice Roberts swearing in himself.

Washington, DC – Before swearing in all the members of the Senate for the impeachment trial of President Trump, Chief Justice John Roberts had to first swear in himself according to some archaic constitutional protocols.

Justice Roberts #1: Will you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?

Justice Roberts #2: Will you place your right hand on the Bible and raise your left hand?

Justice Roberts #1: “Do you solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of President Donald John Trump, president of United States, now pending, you will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws, so help you God?”

Justice Roberts #2: “I sure do…so help me God.”

Then, both Justice Roberts #1 and Justice Roberts #2 together administered the exact same oath to all one hundred senators, who will act as the jury in the impeachment trial of President Trump, so help us God!

President Trump Made A ‘Kid Pro Quo’ Deal With Ukraine For A Children Exchange Program

Presidents Trump and Zelensky making a deal to secretly exchange children between their two countries.

Kyiv, Ukraine – In a stunning new development which is further fueling the inexorable impeachment inquiry, whistle blowers are blowing their whistles over a Kid Pro Quo deal that President Trump secretly made with Lord Voldemort Zelensky of Ukraine.

Apparently the deal included secret plans for the United States to set up a children exchange program with Ukraine.

It is not clear at this juncture whether or not any children have already been exchanged between the two countries.

Democrats believe that if this Kid Pro Quo is proven to be true during their live televised hearings, then they should have enough support and momentum to impeach President Donald Trump prior to the upcoming 2020 elections.

In the meantime, if you are a child who was exchanged between the United States and Ukraine, please call the Kid Pro Quo hotline to talk with a highly trained federal counselor who will secretly walk you through your options.

Ukraine President’s Brother Weird Al Yanukovych Releases Album

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Estranged brothers: Viktor Yanukovych and Weird Al Yanukovych

Kiev, Ukraine – Although it is common to see Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych in the news, it is one of his relatives who is making headlines as of late.

The President’s estranged brother, Weird Al Yanukovych has been stealing the spotlight in the embattled region with the release of his latest album, “Not Back To The USSR”, which he says is “custom created for the narcissist to our north”.

Popular among Ukraine’s hipster crowd, Mr. Yanukovych has long been revered for his satirical remakes of western songs.  His music offers much needed comic relief in a land that many consider to be the least humorous place on earth.  “If I can give my people a chuckle in the face of all this chaos and uncertainty, then I’ve done my job,” states Yanukovych.  “And if I can stick it to my idiot brother in the process, then that’s just honey on my pierogi.”

Weird Al Yanukovych was elevated to icon status in the early 90’s with his Billboard-topping Eurythmics cover, “Here Comes Ukraine Again”.  Since then, some of the world’s biggest artists have given him permission to change their songs’ lyrics in the name of laughter.  It is widely rumored that the artist formerly known as Prince offered Yanukovych 1,000 pounds of caviar to create “Purple Ukraine”, another of his top hits.

The release of his latest album comes at a time when political unrest and a threatening Russian military presence along Ukraine’s border are taking their toll on the country’s citizens.  “We need a laugh now more than ever,”  said Yanukovych at a recent press conference.  “These politicians are total nutcases, but I’m the ‘Weird’ one?  What’s wrong with this picture?”

The album, “Not Back To The USSR” is currently available on iTunes and will soon hit stores worldwide.  Yanukovych was kind enough to give us the list of tracks, which you can check out below:

Not Back To The USSR (original song by The Beatles)
If I Had a Million Vodkas (original song by Barenaked Ladies)
Crimea River (original song by Justin Timberlake)
Smells Like Mean Spirit (original song by Nirvana)
Heart of Cold (original song by Neil Young)
You Are Not My Sunshine (original song by Willie Nelson)
The Sound Of Violence (original song by Simon and Garfunkel)
Every Putin Wants To Rule The World (original song by Tears for Fears)
Locked Up In Prison (original song by Bruno Mars)
Achy Breaky Sovereignty (original song by Billy Ray Cyrus)
If I Was Your Despot (original song by Justin Bieber)