Tag Archives: water

Proceeds From Famous Painting By Amsterdam Douglass To Help Fund Fargo’s Flood Fight

Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.

Fargo, ND Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.

The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.

Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D. = Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.

Superman Trump Single-Handedly Saves Puerto Rico By Tossing Out Paper Towels

President Trump tossing out rolls of paper towels with amazing accuracy just like basketballs.

Puerto Rico – Somewhere out on a small piece of land surrounded by big ocean water, President Trump supermanishly saved the ailing island of Puerto Rico by tossing out cylindrical rolls of much needed paper towels almost as if they were round basketballs being swished through the hoop of a Michael Jordan free throw.

Everyone present agreed that President Trump’s expertise with which he threw out the paper towels was amazing, indicating that he must have practiced it back in the Oval Office prior to leaving for the hurricane-ravaged U.S. territory.

One elderly Puerto Rican lady who got hit in the head with a roll of presidential paper towels just laughed it off and said she was just glad it wasn’t a heavy jug of much needed fresh drinking water which her family hasn’t had for a fortnight. She also joked in Spanish saying that instead of Trump Tower, she now has a Trump Towel!

Global Warming Causing Ice To Become The New Currency

“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore

Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.

Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.

Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”

Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!

Large Quantities Of Hydrogen And Oxygen Found In Fargo’s Water Supply

Fargo concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo is quite concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo, ND – Some newly-available digital testing instruments have shown that Fargo’s water supply contains unusually large amounts of Hydrogen and Oxygen.

Delroy Chitlins is the acting manager of Fargo’s Water Treatment Facility (while Marv Trotman is on an extended unpaid leave of absence):

“Yeah, me and my assistants, we each concurd that we gots lots of Oxygen, and then I’d say, oh, about twice that amount of Hydrogen here in the water, at the plant here, so yeah, that’s pretty much the situation then, for right now,” reports Chitlins.

Until Delroy and his small staff can look into the situation further, Fargo residents are being asked to voluntarily cut back on the amount of water they drink and instead switch to beer.

Chitlins: “Yeah, we’ll letcha know when the coast is clear here, but until that time, just keep on having a few cold ones until we can figure out what the heck is going on here.”

Endangered Sea Monkeys Found In Fargo’s Red River

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Rare family of Sea Monkeys throw monkey wrench into Fargo’s water supply!

Fargo, ND – Scientists have discovered a family of Sea Monkeys living in the Red River near downtown Fargo.

Sea Monkeys were recently moved off of the endangered species list. These cute little suckers are now considered critically endangered and thus are a very protected species of living creatures.

The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Fargo can no longer use the Red River as its source of drinking water, effective immediately.

Fargo is now scrambling to find alternative sources of water.

Some possible ideas proposed by Fargo leaders include: Devil’s Lake, Sam’s Club, or buying dehydrated water off of the internet.

If you have any ideas that could possibly help, please do not hesitate to contact the Fargo City Commission immediately.

In the meantime, Fargo’s rare family of lovable little Sea Monkeys can be seen playing in and around the Red River by Dike East.

Drought-Stricken California Looking To Dip Into Swimming Pools

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You never miss the water till the well runs dry.

Drytown, CA – As California continues to suffer from its worst drought since their last bad drought, the California Water Authority is searching for ways to deal with the problem.

It’s so dry in California that the only way to do laundry is by bringing it to the dry cleaners.

The California Water Authority is considering using all public and private swimming pools as a major source of water.

Just in the greater Los Angeles area, there are at least 50,000 swimming pools with an average of 18,000 gallons of water per pool.

Jasmine Cogbill who heads up the California Water Authority says: “That alone would provide about 900 million gallons of water. Just imagine if we used water from swimming pools in the entire state of California.”

Some private swimming pool owners claim that the idea is half-baked. Jasmine Cogbill says to that: “Oh no, it’s fully baked!”

Swimmable Lake Discovered On Mars!

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The discovery of a lake on Mars means there are probably fish there too!

Syrtis Major, Mars – Marsologists are excitedly reporting that a lake has been discovered on Planet Mars!

What was first observed with the Viking Orbiter has now been confirmed with the Mars Rover.

The unnamed lake is reportedly in the region that Martian topographers call the Syrtis Major Planum.

It seems that water flows into this lake from Mount Olympus which is in the Tharsis region and then eventually into the Kaiser Sea.

Top Italian Marsologist, Giovanni Schiaparelli, says: “Non siamo sicuri se il lago ha acqua normale o acqua forse pesante. Ma l’acqua è acqua, non importa quanto l’idrogeno ha.”

This translates into: “We are not sure if the lake has normal water (H2O) or perhaps heavy water (H3O). But hey, water is water, no matter how much hydrogen it has, eh?”

As to what he thinks the official name of the lake will be, Giovanni simply said: “I think maybe Justin TimberLake!?”

West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.

The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.

The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.

The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.

The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.

Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.

West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.

Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.

The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.