Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.
Fargo, ND – Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.
The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.
Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D.= Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.
President Trump tossing out rolls of paper towels with amazing accuracy just like basketballs.
Puerto Rico – Somewhere out on a small piece of land surrounded by big ocean water, President Trump supermanishly saved the ailing island of Puerto Rico by tossing out cylindrical rolls of much needed paper towels almost as if they were round basketballs being swished through the hoop of a Michael Jordan free throw.
Everyone present agreed that President Trump’s expertise with which he threw out the paper towels was amazing, indicating that he must have practiced it back in the Oval Office prior to leaving for the hurricane-ravaged U.S. territory.
One elderly Puerto Rican lady who got hit in the head with a roll of presidential paper towels just laughed it off and said she was just glad it wasn’t a heavy jug of much needed fresh drinking water which her family hasn’t had for a fortnight. She also joked in Spanish saying that instead of Trump Tower, she now has a Trump Towel!
“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore
Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.
Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.
Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”
Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.
Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!
Fargo is quite concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.
Fargo, ND – Some newly-available digital testing instruments have shown that Fargo’s water supply contains unusually large amounts of Hydrogen and Oxygen.
Delroy Chitlins is the acting manager of Fargo’s Water Treatment Facility (while Marv Trotman is on an extended unpaid leave of absence):
“Yeah, me and my assistants, we each concurd that we gots lots of Oxygen, and then I’d say, oh, about twice that amount of Hydrogen here in the water, at the plant here, so yeah, that’s pretty much the situation then, for right now,” reports Chitlins.
Until Delroy and his small staff can look into the situation further, Fargo residents are being asked to voluntarily cut back on the amount of water they drink and instead switch to beer.
Chitlins: “Yeah, we’ll letcha know when the coast is clear here, but until that time, just keep on having a few cold ones until we can figure out what the heck is going on here.”
Drytown, CA – As California continues to suffer from its worst drought since their last bad drought, the California Water Authority is searching for ways to deal with the problem.
It’s so dry in California that the only way to do laundry is by bringing it to the dry cleaners.
The California Water Authority is considering using all public and private swimming pools as a major source of water.
Just in the greater Los Angeles area, there are at least 50,000 swimming pools with an average of 18,000 gallons of water per pool.
Jasmine Cogbill who heads up the California Water Authority says: “That alone would provide about 900 million gallons of water. Just imagine if we used water from swimming pools in the entire state of California.”
Some private swimming pool owners claim that the idea is half-baked. Jasmine Cogbill says to that: “Oh no, it’s fully baked!”