Fargo, ND—Are you a literate human? Were you taught basic fundamental math as a child? Can you tell time? Then the FM Observer wants to talk to you!

What numbers are the big and little hands on your wristwatch currently on? Are you sane? Can you see the forest for the trees? The FM Observer wants to know. Tell us what time you think it is, if your brain can comprehend it.

Is there a digital clock on your cell phone, or is your phone a dried-up banana? Were your fingers bitten off by a chupacabra? Unless you’re trapped in a time capsule that was fused shut by the military in an attempt to cryogenically preserve your body for future research, you should tell us what time it is.

How many times do we need to ask you? Our shrink is getting very concerned now that we’ve pulled a no-show for our daily therapy session. If you’d only tell us what time it is, we could go have our head examined. Please! What freaking time is it, in your solitary and desolate corner of the Earth??

Ok, here’s the deal. Tell us what time it is and we’ll let little Timmy go. The choice is yours. His life is in your hands. The clock is ticking…what’s it gonna be?