Category Archives: News

Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination Opens In Downtown Dilworth

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MirrorBar: A major part of the new and improved Howard Dohnson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®

Dilworth, MN – Perhaps you’ve noticed all that construction/reconstruction/deconstruction and goings on at what was once the Howard Johnson Motel in Dilworth? That’s a good eye, you have. The site has undergone significant renovations in recent months, transforming into what is now known as the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination®, which, for the purposes of this writing, will now be referenced as HD-LED.

MirrorBar also has a meticulously crafted M-shaped bar destined to confuse the dyslexic.

HD-LED brings a one-of-a-kind stay-and-play complete with sleepable rooms and a classy lounge titled MirrorBar. MirrorBar, their main attraction, mainly attracts women and men using enticing visuals. Take this excerpt from one of their TV commercial promos you might’ve seen broadcast on channel 8:

As part of the Howard Donson Lodging and Entertainment Destination, MirrorBar invites you to a pleasantly unique nighttime experience featuring a scintillating sequence of reflective surfaces. Sit up, sit down. Sit all around. MirrorBar goes on forever. Stop by and stay on your way out of town. MirrorBar.

Khanton Danzig, Dilworth Planning and Zoning Commissioner, seems excited to have class clientele patronize the town’s new crown jewel. “Just what Dilworth needed: a destination spot that can instantly level the playing field with downtown Moorhead.”

MirrorBar’s happy hour runs 4:00-6:00 every weekday featuring 1/2 price domestics, eight dollar wells and four dollar you-call-its.

International Snow Baron To Finally Visit Fargo

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The mighty Snow Baron, in full garb. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong: NO, this isn’t the Night King from Game of Thrones. Look closer–It is clearly the Snow Baron.

Fargo, ND – It was only after a mere fifty inches of winter precip that one of the most revered snow gurus alive finally took notice. Baron Von Jeric Tedlam of the Great Siberian North, Biter Of Frost and Freezer Of Vein, has scheduled a visit to our fair city this 10th day of March, on the tail of yet another blizzard.

The Snow Baron plans to revel in a new snowfall during what he now considers a “most insidious” Fargo winter. “Be it a bountiful showing of ice and frost? It beckons for ye Baron. Harken the call of the great snownami: her winds whisper Tedlam.”

No surprise that Siberia claims home to the world’s only Snow Baron.

The Observer plans to welcome the Baron as he makes his triumphant entrance upon his magical Tundra Chariot. If you can’t deal with that, don’t come to the FMO HQ roof top this Sunday at high noon. If he is impressed with our snowiness (which without a doubt he should be) there is speculation that he will hold presidential roost here until the Spring Equinox. Yay.

Brazil President-Elect A Little Too Obsessed With Sexual Education

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Jair Bolsonaro poking fun at his rival Fernando Haddad, “the gay kit candidate”

Riberao Preto, BRAZIL – From our southerly American neighbor Brazil comes news at the forefront of their political landscape. President-elect Jair Bolsonaro, on the tail of a victorious Trump-like campaign, remains infatuated with what he insists the schoolchildren of Brazil were poised to fall victim to: the Gay Kit.

Bolsonaro obsessing over the gay kit in front of millions of TV viewers

According to Bolsonaro, his political opponent Fernando Haddad tried implementing some over-the-top school curriculum during his time in congress. The children’s book Aparelho Sexual e Cia, Um Guia Inusitado Para Crianças Descoladas which roughly translates to Sexual Apparatus and Stuff, An Unusual Guide for School Children, had been Bolsonaro’s prime focus for months during the campaign.

This, among a plethora of other books and props, comprised what Bolsonaro labeled the “gay kit”. He claims that this “gay kit” would have been used to teach kids homosexuality seven years ago if congressman Haddad had his way. Now, even after using it to demoralize his opponent which ultimately led to his winning the election, Bolsonaro cannot stop talking about it.

Having a little fun with the Gay Kit. The finger through the hole becomes a pee-pee.

 

Air Force Space Command Protesting Space Force

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Not good enough anymore?

Not fast enough. Too small. Go back to watching your Star Wars movies, kid. You’ll never make it. That’s what they used to say to United States Air Force Space Command Lieutenant Gragg Bombgarden all those years leading up to his enlistment in the Air Force. They put him down, but all he wanted to do was go up.

Gragg went in as a Private some years back and worked his way up. And up and up. Until one of the highest military commands in the country demanded his services. He answered the call of the mighty Air Force Space Command as its premier lieutenant in 1993.

The Air Force Space Command, activated Sept. 1, 1982, is a major command with headquarters at Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado. AFSPC provides military focused space capabilities with a global perspective to the joint warfighting team. A “major” command that isn’t fast enough. Too small. Suddenly living in the shadow of a new military branch they are calling Space Force.

“The work we’re doin’ here ain’t crap. We stand by it. Did anybody tell them we exist?” Gragg’s mood turns sour at the mere mention of Space Force. He could be seen scowling at the face of Mike Pence during the announcement a couple days back.

And as a result, he’s suspending Lieutenant ops until this whole thing gets sorted out. A military strike, of sorts. The base is shutting down shop until they are given the respect they deserve.

 

Area Man Finds Bitcoin In McDonald’s Happy Meal

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If you found one of these in a McDonald’s happy meal, jump up and yell “cowabunga” then try to cash it in on the Darkweb Blockchain. Or, you could wait til bitcoin is worth a few thousand more, then figure it out. Up to you.

Moorhead, MN – Moorhead man Greithan Cutstash considers himself a lucky duck. Now he’s quacking about it.

Lucky enough was Greithan to find what appears to be a genuine bitcoin nestled inside a McDonald’s happy meal he bought for his son, Mance. “Bah gawd, that looks like one a them bit-things I seen about in the news,” he said when he noticed young Mance attempting to feed a large, fancy-looking coin to his dog. Turns out it was, in fact, one of many actual physical bitcoins minted around 2010.

As legend would have it: Some years ago, back when bitcoin was just getting going, McDonald’s tried giving them away in happy meals as a publicity stunt. At that time they were only worth a few cents. When the promotion started, kids were unimpressed to find a useless hunk of metal in with their chicken McNuggets. Parents were equally displeased. Needless to say, the promotion was short-lived and not all those bitcoins were sent out.

Wrick Zapruda. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

The zany story continues: A box of two dozen bitcoins was dispatched in happy meals by a Moorhead McDonald’s very recently. How? How could a small town McD’s be sitting on a veritable digital-to-physical crypto gold mine of sorts? Store manager Bilhelm Noisewater, who chose to remain nameless, claims they found themselves digging through storage for trinkets after running out of happy meal Pokemon a few days ago. What did they find? A box of “fake gold coins” encased in plastic. Perfect! Get those shiny nick-nacks into the happy meals before the shipment of Pokemon arrives tomorrow, he said. And out the drive thru window went roughly (at the time of this writing) $200,000.

So check those happy meal toys! If you notice little Timmy playing with a coin that looks like monopoly money, you could be (at the time of this writing) $8,235.01 richer.

World’s 203rd Fastest Man To Speak At Fargo Track Meet

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<a style="background-color:black;color:white;text-decoration:none;padding:4px 6px;font-family:-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, &quot;San Francisco&quot;, &quot;Helvetica Neue&quot;, Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, &quot;Segoe UI&quot;, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:bold;line-height:1.2;display:inline-block;border-radius:3px;" href="https://unsplash.com/@willpower?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=photographer-credit&amp;utm_content=creditBadge" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="Download free do whatever you want high-resolution photos from William Stitt"><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" style="height:12px;width:auto;position:relative;vertical-align:middle;top:-1px;fill:white;" viewBox="0 0 32 32"><title>unsplash-logo</title><path d="M20.8 18.1c0 2.7-2.2 4.8-4.8 4.8s-4.8-2.1-4.8-4.8c0-2.7 2.2-4.8 4.8-4.8 2.7.1 4.8 2.2 4.8 4.8zm11.2-7.4v14.9c0 2.3-1.9 4.3-4.3 4.3h-23.4c-2.4 0-4.3-1.9-4.3-4.3v-15c0-2.3 1.9-4.3 4.3-4.3h3.7l.8-2.3c.4-1.1 1.7-2 2.9-2h8.6c1.2 0 2.5.9 2.9 2l.8 2.4h3.7c2.4 0 4.3 1.9 4.3 4.3zm-8.6 7.5c0-4.1-3.3-7.5-7.5-7.5-4.1 0-7.5 3.4-7.5 7.5s3.3 7.5 7.5 7.5c4.2-.1 7.5-3.4 7.5-7.5z"></path></svg></span><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;">William Stitt</span></a>

Clarent Bippen, 203rd Fastest human on the planet. Kinda hard to track down someone this fast. William Stitt

Fargo, ND – The F-M Observer continues to bring you scrumptious news du jour. Today, we briefly chronicle a visit from of one of the top sprinters currently walking running the Earth. Clarent Bippen, the officially ranked 203rd Fastest Man On The Planet, will speak to a group of aspiring sprinters at this year’s Fargo Track Meet.

We tried to get Mr. 200, but he was busy giving a sprinting gait seminar in Kalamazoo, Michigan. 201 was competing in a 3-legged race with 202 and so oh, well, we’re stuck with 203.

Bippen will talk to runners about what it takes to be one of the almost best. What it means to be ranked fairly high and how he got there. He’ll wax ecstatic about the ins/outs forwards/backwards of running then wax poetic about cracking the top 300 fastest humans alive barrier. Then he’ll probably blather on about shoe tread and whatnot. “Keep it on the straight and narrow” he’ll probably say. *yawn*

Someday he aims to crack the top 200, perhaps even compete in a national tournament. But, until then, he’s going as fast as he can towards wherever there’s a finish line. Wherever the road race takes him. Wherever literally anyone asks him to come talk about running for a bit.

MSUM Drama Student Comes Out As Thespian

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Xinthia Kaswa, thespian, seen here playing the titular lead role for the popular MSUM musical Hannah Silverpot, a confusing tale about a deranged teen who won’t put down a silver pot containing her granny’s ashes.

Moorhead, MN – When she heard the news that fmobserver.com was back online, MSUM Drama student Xinthia Kaswa immediately came to us with a dilemma. What she told us couldn’t be easily understood at first listen. This is mostly because of the way Xinthia talks.

Xinthia is one of a select few drama students who talks with a lisp.

It was with great difficulty we transcribed a brief interview with Xinthia for your amusement:

FMO: When you came out to your family, how did they react?
Xinthia: I didn’t “come out”, jethuth christht. Anyway, my father pretty muth lotht it. He thaid ‘no daughter of mine ith gonna be no lethpian’. He wath irate. Nothing I could thay to thway him! My mom wathn’t tho upthet. Thee thaid that thee exthpermented a bit in college and that i’d grow out of it. They didn’t get it.

FMO: What happened next?
Xinthia: I left. My dad was tho pithed, he kicked me out. I tried to exthplain but the thit head kicked me out.

FMO: You came to us to set the record straight. You want your family and peers to know you’re not lesbian, but instead thespian. Is that right?
Xinthia: Yeth. I’m not lethbian, i’m thethbian, for pete’th thake.

FMO: Xinthia, I feel the need to inform you that the two terms seem interchangeable when you phrase it that way. This may be why your ‘rents are confused.
Xinthia: Thut up.

Area Man Says He Can 3-D Print Your Bitcoin

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Bitcoin. Money, we guess.

Fargo, ND – For a non-nominal fee, an area man will turn your crypto-currency into physical currency for you to spend willfully on the black market or anywhere else they recognize this monopoly money. 

Cryptocurrency, which is somehow tradeable, exists on a metaphysical dataplane known as the blockchain. That might all sound utterly baffling, but not to area man Wrick Zaprudia. He’s got a handle on this cyber hustle and says he can convert that blockchained crypto into actual physical currency. 

Wrick Zaprudia. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

When asked how in the blue hell this printer can possibly convert crypto-coin into spendable money, Zaprudia went on a garbled data-tangent none of us here at FM Observer could completely grasp. “Without getting too technical–because your 20th-century brain probably can’t decipher it–it works like this. My 3D printer de-hashes your blockchained crypto-ledger into calculable ones and zeros. These codes, or bits as they are more commonly known, get fed into my printer’s 3-dimensional dot-matrix and converted into bit………..coin. Got it? Or should I start over? That’ll be $781.50.”

Once your bitcoin is produced, you can then make a laughable attempt to spend it at your local gas station or department store but I bet they’ll look at you like you are from the planet Bitcoinia. Your crypto-money is no good here you kook, they’ll say. I can’t change one bitcoin. Dead presidents or get out of my store.

At the time of this publication, one Bitcoin is somehow worth an inconceivable $11154.23.

 

Prehistoric Rabbit Femur Located In West Fargo

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Prehistoric Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur adored by Beavis the beagle.

West Fargo, ND – What was once the territory of the Gargantuan Arctic Hare is now the coveted land of homebuyers and builders residing in points West. This truth was revealed to excavators during a foundation dig in what is now known as Eaglewood.

Homebuilders Cheirly and Grigg Milkshifter purchased land there with the intention to build. Little did they know what lied beneath tied their plot to the paleolithic era. The backhoe blade carved out a prized archaeological find: A five-foot long, 287-pound Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur that their dog Beavis is infatuated with.

The Milkshifters now know those prehistoric remnants remain. When confronted by the Archaeological Survey Society, or ASS as they are more commonly known, Grigg Milkshifter declared eminent domain over this now sacret plot of land.

“Those ASS people told me I had to leave here ‘n sell. I said nope sir we’re letting Beavis sniff around, see what he finds. ASS can shove it up their ass. Maybe he’ll dig up a giant squirrel pelvis next.”

So if you’re looking to settle down in the far western reaches of town, know that you’re disrupting what is likely a big wooly rabbit mass grave.

 

Trump Names Bali Volcano, Mt. Agung, As New Top Advisor

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Mt. Agung: nice ash!

Washington, D.C. – After losing a number of top advisors in recent weeks, President Trump filled one of the vacant slots with a highly unusual appointment today. Mt. Agung, the active volcano currently erupting in Bali, has been named as his newest high-ranking cabinet member.

“I have a wonderful, beautiful, special relationship with Mt. Agung. That volcano is really, really smart, it’s got amazing ideas, you’ve never heard ideas like these…the best…and it’s going to be a great thing for our country, America, which is a great country, but it could be better, but now it will be better, like way way better,” Trump exclaimed earlier today.

Asked what he was thinking by naming a volcano as a top advisor, President Trump said, “Mt. Agung is yuge and strong, like really strong, and really yuge. Plus it’s a volcano, which is amazing…it’s got the best eruptions in the world, the hottest lava, its ash is the best ash I’ve ever seen…everyone is going to love it, and I mean love it bigly.”

White House staffers had no comment, but insiders tell the FM Observer that they are “drinking heavily” and “mostly just praying”.