Fargo, ND—Basketball fans have been guessing the March Madness tournament for decades. Every year, it seems, contestant stakes have been getting higher and higher. Cash prizes as well as bragging rights are among the available rewards for having the most accurate prediction.
The odds of you picking every single game correctly are roughly four trillion to one. Local March Madman Ryan Noisewater wants badly to destroy these odds. He’s crafted a master plan to win.
Hours before all the bracket challenges went live we spoke with Ryan to find out just what it takes to nail the perfect bracket.
“My hand-picked Bracket Posse spent the winter creating throw-away email accounts that can be used multiple times for any and every bracket challenge on the planet,” Ryan says. “We’re armed with two computers per guy–one ergonomic mouse for each arm and each machine has multiple monitors and replacement hardware on-site in case of computer malfunction. We run equipped with eighteen crates of Mountain Dew, prepaid masseuses, bedpans, and very limited basketball knowledge. We are ready.”
Ryan says he’s taken every factor into account during clinical trials he and his crew ran during the NCAA offseason. “We experimented with bracket completion possibility throughput via time-tested computer algorithms; how many left-clicks one hand can complete in a given second and how many seconds it takes to open an account and complete a bracket,” he explained. “This is how we’re cramming as many brackets as humanly possible into the system. I’ve also developed a simple equation in which you memorize a sequence of numbers (according to seed) and pick your teams in such a way that none of the brackets my team generates in the time allotted will be the same. One guy works with this set of numbers, the other guy works with that set of numbers. One of our brackets is bound to hit.”
By now, Ryan and his bracket posse should be hard at work clicking numbers and sucking down Dew in an effort to claim their trophy.
Dunks you say? Yes dunks. A lot of these dunks I’ve seen while watching March Madness have left me shaking my head at times.
Everytime someone dunks the crowd oozes in excitement and the teams bench goes crazy. Some guy dunks and the crowd goes, “ohhhhhhhh nah he didn’t.” Oh..oh he did.
Why would dunks annoy you you ask? Well, because the dude is usually 6ft 8. All they need to do is hop and they pretty much dunk it. Trip? It’s a dunk. Accidental sneeze? Slam flying dunk. You ever play basketball with your little niece or nephews or whatnot where everyone is shorter then you? Well that’s pretty much these guys. I can dunk. I can school every little kid at basketball any time I want I’m that good. I’ll dunk over them any day of the week. They got NOTHING on me.
Basically these centers are just tall and stand there quite a bit. Here is how the recruitment process goes. “Hey you’re really tall. Would you like a college scholarship to be tall and hop dunk some balls in? Yes? Greeeeaaaaat.”
If I see someone that is 6ft 3 or under dunk it then I’m impressed. Anyone else, you’re that guy playing the nieces and nephews. Do your dunk and slowly jog on over to the other side of the court there buddy. They need your blocking ability. Or just your large human mass to stand there with your hands up.
Jamaal Franklin, a 6-5 guard at San Diego State got a score and an assist from the same dunk. This all happened because ball hog Jamaal passed to himself via bouncing it off the backboard and then proceeds to dunk it. San Diego State went on to beat Fresno State by 65-62.
Some people are talking about dunk of the year. I say ‘No way man!’ Although cool, this man should be awarded the BALL HOG OF THE YEAR award.
I’m not a ball hog. Not one bit. People pass to themselves all the time. Everyone wasn’t paying attention during this play. Actually nobody pays attention during any game and it just happens to be me having the ball at all times. I’m not a ball hog brah. ~ Jamaal Franklin