Category Archives: Celebrity

Andrew WK To Give Up Partying For Lent

None of this until Easter.

Palo Alto, CA – The Observer has learned, via a tweet posted on Facebook via a StumbleUpon to Reddit cross-post, that famous party animal Andrew WK has formally given up partying for lent.

During the next 39 or so days, WK will completely refrain from gesticulating, gyrating, jumping and juke-jiving among other notable acts also known as “partying”.

WK’s publicist, via reply to a contact form email sent from a web server embedded mail relay forwarder, confirmed that “Yes, Andrew wore the ash yesterday and swore off partying. He said he’s not partying for even one second–no headbanging or rocking–for the duration of the Lenten holiday. The rest of you can party on.”

It is not known whether or not WK’s partying restriction is self-imposed or if he’s under a strict doctor’s order to not jostle his torso under fear of irreparable damage to the vertebrae.

FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie

David Bowie

David Robert Jones (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016)

Manhattan, NY – Here is a portion of the FM Observer’s final interview with David Bowie:

FMO: Would you describe yourself as a serious kind of guy?
David Bowie: I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

FMO: What is the quality you most like in a man?
David Bowie: The ability to return books.

FMO: What would be one of your favorite books?
David Bowie: Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.

FMO: Do you think society has changed since your Ziggy Stardust days?
David Bowie: People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have attention spans of five seconds and as much depth as a glass of water.

FMO: Do you speak any foreign languages?
David Bowie: I can ask for cigarettes in every language.

FMO: Did you have any tricks for writing songs?
David Bowie: When I’m stuck for a closing to a lyric, I will drag out my last resort: overwhelming illogic.

FMO: Is there any kind of music that doesn’t seem to jive with your personality?
David Bowie: Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.

FMO: What would you say is one of your biggest pet peeves?
David Bowie: I’ve never responded well to entrenched negative thinking.

FMO: What are your thoughts on religion?
David Bowie: Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve been there.

FMO: Has aging taught you any lessons?
David Bowie: As you get older, the questions come down to about two or three. How long? And what do I do with the time I’ve got left?

FMO: What are your thoughts on life and death?
David Bowie: Confront a corpse at least once. The absolute absence of life is the most disturbing and challenging confrontation you will ever have.

FMO: Do you have any plans for the after-life?
David Bowie: I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

Genuine heart

Genuine heart 


Not happy tears

Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious. 

No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to this long-term need. Diesel will be sending them his 4,000-gallon repository of cried human tears.

He keeps a huge stock of distilled tears on hand that keep him “lit”. 

“Sadness tears give me that edge. They get drank [sic] before a lift or a shoot,” Diesel growled in between bites of raw tiger meat. “So i’ll give ’em to Flint.”

When asked where the heck he got 4,000 gallons of distilled tears, Diesel vehemently denied harvesting them. Instead, he claims, he gets them from an anonymous source in Dubai. “Flint can have what I got. I’ll just get more.”

Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival

Thonn Furbeglan

Thonn Furbeglan

Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set to take place at City Theatre in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

The competition will be hot as thousands of maple syrupers from around the country bring their best concoctions in hopes to snag the coveted Golden Leaf Award. Furbeglan plans to gleefully lend his talents as both festival emcee and TasteMaster.

Golden Leaf

Golden Leaf

Contestant syrup will be judged thoroughly in the following categories:

  • Genuine Richness
  • Mapleness
  • Friendliness
  • Trueness Of Strength

Furbeglan has been waiting for this moment. “I’ve always wanted to host this, eh? But every year there’s been a scheduling conflict as i’m always out filming Canadian movies in the woods and snow during winter, eh? I’m real-eh excited to final-eh be a part of it.”

Throughout the festival, Furbeglan will be readily available for photos, autographs, hugs and the like, as is tradition. The week-long festival runs from Sunday, January 24th til February 1st, a Monday.

Bruce Jenner Announcing Sect Change During Two Hour Television Special

jennerBruce Jenner, famed former Olympian and step-father to the Kardashian family, plans to announce his sect change during a television special with ABC’s Diane Sawyer. Jenner will be changing his sect from Lutheran to Methodist.

“I’ve been mulling this over for decades. It just didn’t feel right living the way I was. It felt like I was living in a different body altogether. Methodists use whole wheat, leavened communion, which resonates with my personality and faith much more than the Lutheran version of white, unleavened communion. This change is difficult for all of us…I’m happy that my family supports me through this tumultuous time.”

Sawyer’s two-hour television special is expected to discuss the detailed history of the different sects and Bruce’s internal struggle, with no less than 11 commercials segments featuring bread.

United Nations Hires Liam Neeson To Eliminate ISIS


Bye-bye forever, ISIS (or at least until the sequel)

Action movie star Liam Neeson has taken up a special assignment in between filming dominator action films.

At the behest of the United Nations and by special request of President Obama, Liam Neeson will seek out and destroy the terrorist cell known as ISIS.

Liam Neeson’s publicist, in a statement released yesterday:

“He doesn’t know who they are. He doesn’t know what they want. If they are looking for ransom, my client can say he doesn’t have money. But what he does have is a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long acting career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like them. If they quit terrorist activity now, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for them, he will not pursue them. But if they don’t, he will look for them, he will find them, and he will kill them.”

MV5BMTU2ODI3ODEyOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTM3NTQzNDE@._V1__SX1252_SY797_Neeson acknowledges this as the pinnacle ass-kicking of his long, storied career of ass-kickings. “Throughout my time in film, I’ve fearlessly taken out enemies in many different countries on Earth, as well as in space and la-la land and what have you. This assignment will be no different…no different than the assignment of my lead character in my movie, Run All Night. Go see it, won’t you?”

Yes, Mr. Neeson. Yes we will see it—just please don’t hurt us!

Run All Night is available now on DVD/BLU-RAY.

Kate Middleton Deems Dental Hygiene ‘Unpractical’

Kate MiddletonWith curves in the correct places, a beautiful baby and a charming smile, Kate Middleton tops People’s “Top 25 Hot Celeb List,” but her latest input on oral hygiene has left many to ponder upon the British way.

More than a year after giving birth to Prince George of Cambridge (whatever that means), Middleton revealed that she follows the strict British tradition of hardly every brushing her teeth. She claims poor hygienic practices are simply a part of joining the royal family.

“I brush my teeth once every forknight,” Middleton said. “I’m still trying to figure out what a forknight is, but I think its once every three or four nights. William is really the rule-maker around here. If he brushes his teeth, then I’ll join, if not, we go to bed. It’s really very simple and British.”

According to the Royal British Hygienic Code, royal members are only ordained to bath and/or brush every 12 days. The code was established in 1744 by King George III (for reasons yet to be understood by historians) and has been followed (for reasons yet to be understood by anyone) to this day. Royalty remains odorous and questioned by British Parliamentary and citizens alike.

“I love a good queen, I do,” Londoner Tom Blinder said, he did. “But her teef looks like she fell head first into a pile of rubbish.”

Middleton continues to deny the accusations by common folk like Tom Blinder, and seems quite calm regarding her pearly-greys, but the Twitter-verse has certainly taken an interest in the matter. @iMwATCHINGYOU said this:

“Kate is supposed to be the role model for the whole planet. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I saw I selfie of Kate brushing her own, but it’s been nearly 32 years… when can I brush?”

The 32-year-old Duchesses, remaining un-buggered, said only this:

“I’ll admit it, oral hygiene has not been a primary concern of the British people in the last 400 years, and it still isn’t today. So what if our teef are grey and smelly? We invented electricity and baseball. Isn’t that enough?”

Vin Diesel Scares Off Potential Ebola Infection

vin-diesel-teases-meeting-with-marvel-138321-a-1372313733-470-75Dallas, TX—Certifiably intimidating screen actor Vin Diesel, in Dallas filming the newest installment of The Fast & Furious movie franchise, has reportedly stonewalled a potential ebola infection.

Diesel, who we’re all aware that if you rearrange the letters in his name it reveals his credo: I END LIVES, apparently came into close contact with an ambulance containing the nurse who got infected with ebola a few days ago. As the ambulance rolled past the closed-off streetside action scene, big Vin caught a whiff of the ebola and sneered in its direction, instantly scaring it far away from himself and his fellow cast and crew members.

“Vinny intimidated the ebola into submission, man,” said co-star Michelle Rodriguez. “That ebola never had a chance, man.”

Diesel has thus far been able to keep cast and crew immune to the virus during their stay in Dallas.

Fast & Furious 7 is scheduled for release in April 2015.

Star Trek Captain Janeway Wearing Prison Orange For Being Romulan Spy

caption here

Could someone please beam me out of this fricking federal prison? I was only joking when I admitted to being a Romulan spy. C’mon, lighten up, already. I am an actress who has rights!

Enterprise, Alabama – USS Enterprise Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Star Trek Federation has been convicted of being a Romulan spy. It turns out that her actual (Romulan) name is Galina “Red” Reznikov.

Ms. Reznikov is no longer wearing her normal black and red Star Trek uniform, as she is now currently wearing the color orange while being held in an Alabama federal maximum security prison.

Her attorney is Ms. Kate Mulgrew who categorically states: “We are doing everything in our legal powers to get Ms. Reznikov freed of all these ridiculous charges of espionage.”

Romulans have been notorious for trying to infiltrate Federation ranks with spys, but never before has a starship captain been suspected of such treason.

President Obama has made it clear that “full and complete” background checks will be done on all future Federation applicants.

Many Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead

UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence.

UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence. Where are they from? What do they want?

Moorhead, MN – Have you been seeing the unusual lights in the sky at night south of Moorhead? Have you and your family been wondering if they are real UFOs?

National UFO experts have now released an official statement from the National UFO Centre declaring that these “unusual lights” that have been showing up on a regular basis are indeed UFOs.

Multiple photographs taken with special digital lenses have proven that this is not a hoax.

Dr. Allen Greenman: “These UFOs are as real as real mayonnaise. Our only question now is why are they here and what do they want?”

Some Sabin residents are quite convinced that the alien ships are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.

When asked why they believe that, their answer was: “Because we’ve seen banners hanging from the UFO windows saying that they are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.”

Senator Franken was unavailable for comment but his answering machine did say: “Hi. If you’re calling about setting up a meeting with the Sabin UFOs, tell them I’m not interested, and that I no longer am a struggling comedian trying to make people laugh with silly jokes.”