A happy Colorado citizen, “drunk” off legally-purchased alcohol

Denver, CO—At the turn of the new year, legislation passed in the state of Colorado permitted  “liquor stores” to begin selling alcoholic beverages over-the-counter directly to citizens. This has infuriated MAID (Mothers Against Impaired Driving), who think that this move will open the floodgates to thousands upon thousands of alcohol-related deaths due to over-consumption of the drug, not to mention the increase in motor-vehicle casualties caused by intoxicated driving.

MAID has been fighting the good fight against stoned driving ever since its founder’s son was killed by a stoned driver, a driver who obtained the drug legally via one of the thousands of pot shops where marijuana is and has been legal to buy since prohibition ended in 1933. On a yearly basis, the nation does experience a handful of marijuana-related vehicle fatalities, but as of press time, there have been zero cases of overdose.

Alcohol, if illegally consumed at too high a quantity over a short period of time, can be fatal. It can also severely impair one’s hand-eye coordination. It is said that a mere 2 drinks consumed in under one hour can hinder one’s ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. Now, with easy accessibility of tasty alcoholic beverages, cases of alcohol poisoning and driving while intoxicated in Colorado are set to skyrocket.

Political analysts cannot even fathom how Colorado was able to pass this legislation. They say that even with no proven medicinal purpose, demand for legal recreational use of alcohol has increased substantially over the years leaving state lawmakers no choice but to decriminalize.

Meet the Press’s Gregory David:

“This new legislation will turn disastrous for Colorado. Its roads will become a haven for vehicular manslaughter and its people will start dying at insane numbers due to overconsumption. Colorado will become the most ridiculously dangerous state in the union now that alcohol is legal.”

Pipes, not knives! Bongs, not guns!

Denver, CO – First quarter 2013 crime statistics are officially in from the Mile High City, and things are looking up. Violent crime has taken a nose dive compared to past years. Crimes of passion and hate have seen a record downturn, plummeting more than 400% during the first 3 months of this year.

It would appear that Denver county is making a peaceful name for itself after legalizing personal amounts of Sticky Green Leaf.

Dude, woah, like, nobody has been robbing or hurting anybody for like ever (or at least since everybody’s been puffing tough). With the ease of access to buds, more and more would-be criminals are kicking back, trading in their guns for pipes. They’re busy snacking on pot brownies instead of stabbing for crack rocks.

Maaaan, the sitch in D-town has gotten, like, so chill. It’s rad. Peace and love, yo! Peeps are buying bongs instead of guns and filling them full of hippie lettuce instead of bullets. Word. Flower power! The proliferation of pipes has led to the sudden reduction in crime, stoner statistics say. Did you just see that, maaaan? Like, the numbers went waaaaay down all of a sudden! Whoooaaaa.

If these trends continue, Denver police are going to gain a serious advantage over violent crime. Hey bro, they might even, like, completely stop it from, like, happening and junk. Far out!