Tag Archives: nsa

Fargo Man Discovers iPod’s Song Shuffle Algorithm

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Random...?

Random? Damn near killed him.

Fargo, ND—iPod owners will be quick to tell you that they love using the device’s “shuffle” feature to play a random assortment of music. It liberates the user from the responsibility of having to pick which songs they want to hear. This may seem random to you or me, but according to one area math wiz, it’s not.

Local Mathologist Dr. Bictor Tedhanger believes there’s something very specific about his iPod’s “shuffle” sequence. “Fact: What may seem like a completely random selection of songs is anything but. Fact. The sequence was quite easily solved, actually. Fact.” 

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Tedhanger believes that Apple, in conjunction with the NSA and the CIA, is using your personal data to shuffle your song playback. “Fact: Computate the number of songs on your iPod. Multiply it by one million. Fact. Divide that total by the sum of the house number of the residence in which you currently live and the sum of the numbers in your date of birth. The resulting number rounded up to the nearest whole number divided by 3 is the number of spots in descending order in which the iPod skips songs. Fact.”

Representatives at Apple could not be reached to confirm or disconfirm these allegations. Is Tedhanger onto something or is he on something? What do you think? Does his math add up when shuffling on your iPod? Let us know in the comments section below!

Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts

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6461Washington, DC—Amidst reports and allegations regarding Verizon Wireless’s involvement in the much maligned PRISM scandal, the mobile network titan has finally offered a public apology to its cellular subscribers in response to its collaboration with the NSA:

 

Dearly beloved Verizon Customers,

Some of you may have heard about our recent involvement in the National Security Administration’s PRISM initiative. This initiative was truly a bummer to be involved in but hey, when Uncle Sam talks, you listen am I right? Anyway, a number of communication service companies were involved in this with none quite as sorry as we are. We apologize for giving the government access to your phone conversations, as detailed and private as they might have been. We apologize for letting the NSA read your inane and mundane texts, including but not limited to:

ROTFLMAO

WTF

smh

stfu

idk

OMG

😉

🙂

:/

brb

omw

thx

We want you to know that we did not give up your smiley-face emoticons and stupid abbreviations willingly—the NSA had to fight us for them. They had to ask us a number of times to let them see what your weekend plans were and when you thought you might be arriving to dinner, in addition to the multitude of pet names you call your significant other.

We want to remind you that we only submitted your repulsive sexts to Obama in the name of fighting terrorism. We deeply regret this unfortunate occurrence and we hope it never has to happen again.

Sincerest regards,

Verizon Wireless

—-

In an age where electronic data security and privacy rights are at their most vulnerable point, this apology certainly means something.

NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

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National_Security_Agency.svgWashington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy.

In response, the NSA is playing damage control by stating that it’s already getting sick of reading all the poor grammar and typographical errors contained in the many thousands of texts, facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries it’s been reading and that it will probably unfollow you guys really soon.

“Jesus Christ, people. It’s YOU’RE, not YOUR. It’s not THEIR, it’s THERE for crying out loud.” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said.

Earnest went on to say that the classified government initiative PRISM never expected to encounter such a tremendous amount of useless information coupled with lackadaisical grammatical proofreading and that going forward, those two factors combined would ultimately render our typed conversations both useless and unreadable.

“On behalf of the NSA and the Obama administration, i’d like to formally demand that you guys figure out who/whom, they’re/their, your/you’re among other irresponsible typos or we are going to unfollow all of you on twitter. I’m being serious.”