News Of Yore: 27th May, 1899

RIP Gertrude Clagbung (1866-1899). Stung to death by intestinal parasites.

The FM Observer is sad to report that the ravages of dysentery have claimed a valued member of our fake news agency. Our beloved secretary, Gertrude Clagbung, fought a short-lived battle with the Red Sickness, only to succumb to its evils just yesterday afternoon. She was a gorgeous and lively 33 years of age.

Gertrude, or “Gertie” as we so affectionately called her, was many things to many people. But to us, she was a superstar secretariat. Oh, the way she handled those editorials was nothing short of superlative.

Gertie got her start at FMO by a lucky turn of fate. One magical afternoon, our editor-in-chief witnessed ol’ Gertie standing on the sidewalk, eyes closed, just flailing her fingers wildly through the air. It was like she was typing away at nothing! Our editor sat her down at one of his typewriters and the rest is history.

She used to plow away on that typewriter like there was no tomorrow, editing content and re-formatting typefaces well into the night. Tap tap tappity tap–ding! That was the sound it made.

Gertrude is survived by her vast collection of hairless dolls, her pet boll weevil Jared, and a life-sized replica of herself made entirely of hair that she gleefully constructed out of a lifetime of hoarded haircuts.

Go forth into the uncharted blackness, dearest Gertie. RIP.