Could someone please beam me out of this fricking federal prison? I was only joking when I admitted to being a Romulan spy. C’mon, lighten up, already. I am an actress who has rights!

Enterprise, Alabama – USS Enterprise Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Star Trek Federation has been convicted of being a Romulan spy. It turns out that her actual (Romulan) name is Galina “Red” Reznikov.

Ms. Reznikov is no longer wearing her normal black and red Star Trek uniform, as she is now currently wearing the color orange while being held in an Alabama federal maximum security prison.

Her attorney is Ms. Kate Mulgrew who categorically states: “We are doing everything in our legal powers to get Ms. Reznikov freed of all these ridiculous charges of espionage.”

Romulans have been notorious for trying to infiltrate Federation ranks with spys, but never before has a starship captain been suspected of such treason.

President Obama has made it clear that “full and complete” background checks will be done on all future Federation applicants.