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Army Corps Of Engineers To Straighten Out Red River For Improved Flowability

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Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Fargo, ND – In an effort to increase the efficiency of the Mighty Red River of the North, the Army Corps of Engineers is going to straighten out the river’s seemingly random and needlessly meandering route.

“By making an almost perfectly straight canal, the river’s route will have much improved flowability,” explains Loran Toca, who is heading up the massive shovel-ready project.

The resulting “route canal” will not only relieve natural “pain” caused by decaying tree roots around each unnecessary curve, but will also help the Amry Corps of Engineers win its War on Meanderings.

Instead of having an inefficient river system with a bunch of superfluous turns and sections (not dissimilar to a governmental bureaucracy), the straightened “route canal” will significantly shorten the waterway for whenever it may be used for transportational purposes.

Chief engineer Loran Toca: “Yeah, this here will be a real sweet deal once we get it all finished up, which should be sometime around the year 2140.”

Fargo Marathon Decides To Not Have One Set Route

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Fargo Marathon begins from the Fargodome.

Fargo, ND – Unlike past years when Fargo Marathon runners had to run a pre-defined, set route to a pre-determined finish line, this year the full marathon runners will be able to run their own routes.

As usual, all runners for the full marathon will begin together from the Fargodome but as soon as they leave the building, they are free to run in any damn direction they want and take whatever route that they decide to run.

Race organizer Troy Aggen explains it all like this:

“It’s a very new concept in marathoning which will eliminate that annoying early-race cloggage and also add an exciting element of creativity for the runners.”

“Just think of it as one of those large pyrotechnical fireworks that goes off into every direction when it explodes.”

“By having every runner’s Fitbit race monitor sending data back to our main race computer, we’ll know exactly how long it took each person to run the 26.2 miles.”