Notice anything different in your parents’ bedroom lately?

Fargo, ND—You can stop searching. The Observer has learned exactly where your parents are storing your Christmas presents, and it’s not in the location you’re used to. Your gifts are trapped in a centuries-old tomb of the deceased.

Yes, your mom and dad are tired of your constant snooping and as a result, have gotten wise to your yearly antics. They’re not keeping your presents in the same location as before. No, they’ve unearthed a historic relic in which they’ve hidden your precious treasure.

That dusty old stone sarcophagus sitting in your parents’ bedroom contains your gifts, and they’re being guarded by a spiritual eminence. If you dare peek your head in there (let alone place your grubby little hands upon the hieroglyphics), a cursed Egyptian king will rise from it and feast upon your wretched soul.

The Observer recommends you quit jerkin’ around that dusty old mummy box until your parents recite the necromantic incantations that free the darkest evil from within. Christmas is almost here.