LeBron James Comes Out As Gay—For Himself

Indianapolis, IN—In what some are calling a sudden, poorly-timed but not altogether shocking announcement, basketball star LeBron James has come out of the closet…..sort of. He has officially announced, on live TV, that he is gay…for LeBron James.

Following last night’s Eastern Conference Semifinals loss to the Pacers, King James explained himself to ESPN insider Jim Gray while waiting for his flight home. “I want the world to know somethin’ right now. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose or only play 24 minutes while you’re in foul trouble. What matters is that i’m gay.” LeBron said. “You are a homosexual?” replied a stunned Jim Gray. “No, stupid. I’m gay…for LeBron James! Wouldn’t you be? There’s truly nothin’ I can’t do; the best dribbler, shooter, dunker, defender, father, and soon-to-be actor in movies. I’m gay for LeBron James! AAAHHH feels so good to say that! I love me some me, baby!”

What prompted this sudden announcement is baffling to not only the Observer but to the entire basketball community. The spotlight couldn’t shine on James any harder than it will this Friday when the Heat attempt to close out the series at home against Indiana. Now, on top of it all, the Miami media, fans as well as his Heat teammates have to deal with a bellowing narcissist.