Author Archives: Jake

About Jake

Friendly problem solver. Food nerd. Coffee advocate. Freelance beer scholar. Communicator.

City of Fargo Approves Sidewalk Lemonade Stand Tax Break

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Brought to you by the Appropriations Committee

Brought to you by the Appropriations Committee

Block 9 appropriations wasn’t the only thing on the Fargo City Commission’s agenda last night. Not only did they approve 15.5 million dollars to help fund Doug Burgum’s skyscraper, but with a 5-0 vote they appropriated an additional $1 million for sidewalk lemonade stands.  

After little Timmy finishes the mountain of application paperwork required, it will be reviewed by the Appropriations Committee. Some applicants will be denied because, well, the committee members aren’t idiots. They aren’t going to lend just anyone money for their projects.

Only 10,000 applicants will be approved leaving each young entrepreneur with 100 dollars of taxpayer startup funds. One anonymous city commissioner said: “This is a really nice thing we are doing for Fargo’s kids. In every urban neighborhood, folks will have the chance to get their choice of organic, non-GMO, GMO’d-up-the-ass or just plain old Kool-Aid quality lemonade.”

The commissioner then leaned in and whispered: “Also, the taxpayers might actually not lose money on this one.”

City of Fargo Debuts New Rabbit Bounty Program

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RR900_Reticle-600x570

Mister Wabbit, before you die, you can have one wast wish!” – Elmer Fudd

Here at FM Observer we like to take input from the “common folk” of the FM area. Their biggest complaint is that the rabbit population has been hare-balling out of control and let me tell you, people are furiously fed up. As a result, the city has hastily issued a new program that will: 1. take care of the excessive rabbit population and 2. Let disgruntled citizens blow off some steam. 

The City of Fargo announced today that a new rabbit bounty program will take effect this weekend appropriately on Friday the 13th.

The guidelines of the program include:

  • Bounty will pay $5 per rabbit, $3 per bunny
  • Rewards can be traded for a deduction against your yearly city taxes or free beer
  • First 100 rabbits you are able to bag will get you a seat at the city’s Rabbit Stew Banquet Dinner including free beer
  • Shoot to kill; there are no limits

One might ask what exactly is the city going to do with all these rabbits? Rumors are being spread that the city is starting a huge municipal fur company. Or, perhaps the meat will find its way to your local farmer’s market.

Germany imports $40 million worth of rabbits every year! This could put Fargo on the map as a renowned animal trader, so get out there and start shooting up.

FMO Hunting Season

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

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“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.