EPA Lifts Ban On Tire Fires to Combat Winter

Have a tire fire with your friends!

Washington, DC—As yet another ice storm decimates the south with a torrential downpour of frozen goodness, local governments there are declaring a state of emergency. States like Georgia and North Carolina have deemed their roads undriveable and air travel impossible as this new winter storm wreaks havoc.

Having had enough of snowfall and winter in general, our federal government is ready to take drastic measures to fight this ongoing issue. As of this morning, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is lifting the ban on tire fires and other environmentally hazardous burning.

This announcement comes in response to the 12 deaths and over 4,000 canceled flights caused by another winter storm south of the Mason-Dixon line. Enough is enough.

“It’s time to raise the air temperature by any means necessary,” declared EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy. “We will not stand idly by as United States citizens continue to perish.”

The EPA is prepared to forgo the need for an ozone in an effort to end this year’s increasingly long winter season. “Burn all of your garbage, especially tires. Let’s scorch the sky. We want it so hot outside that it melts the shingles right off your house and starts your sunglasses on fire.”

The Observer expected to see an outpouring of rage from local environmentalists, but so far there has been no disagreement with this new EPA initiative. Everybody wants Old Man Winter to back off, man, they’re just sick of him.