Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.

Douchebag

Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.