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LeBron James Comes Out As Gay—For Himself

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lebron-decisionIndianapolis, IN—In what some are calling a sudden, poorly-timed but not altogether shocking announcement, basketball star LeBron James has come out of the closet…..sort of. He has officially announced, on live TV, that he is gay…for LeBron James.

Following last night’s Eastern Conference Semifinals loss to the Pacers, King James explained himself to ESPN insider Jim Gray while waiting for his flight home. “I want the world to know somethin’ right now. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose or only play 24 minutes while you’re in foul trouble. What matters is that i’m gay.” LeBron said. “You are a homosexual?” replied a stunned Jim Gray. “No, stupid. I’m gay…for LeBron James! Wouldn’t you be? There’s truly nothin’ I can’t do; the best dribbler, shooter, dunker, defender, father, and soon-to-be actor in movies. I’m gay for LeBron James! AAAHHH feels so good to say that! I love me some me, baby!”

What prompted this sudden announcement is baffling to not only the Observer but to the entire basketball community. The spotlight couldn’t shine on James any harder than it will this Friday when the Heat attempt to close out the series at home against Indiana. Now, on top of it all, the Miami media, fans as well as his Heat teammates have to deal with a bellowing narcissist.

LeBron James grateful for another shot at losing NBA Finals

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Miami, FL – NBA MVP LeBron James has once again, for the 2nd straight year and 3rd time in his career, led his team to the NBA Finals earning yet another shot at despair and failure. King James has been terrific throughout his career at playing well when it doesn’t count and putting up fantastic numbers pretty much always, except during clutch moments. This upcoming finals series will prove no different, as James is poised to make it 3-for-3:

“I’ve been here before. I know what it takes to lose. Instead of being the man in a clutch moment, I plan on deferring to a random teammate. I’m going to push hard for D-Wade to make things happen. Playing the role of decoy is what works for me and guarantees a series loss for my team.”

King went on to predict that his Heat would hang with the Thunder for “maybe 5 or 6” games, but if it went the full 7 he thinks they would definitely get blown out. We wish the best of luck to both teams as the first ever NBA Finals battle between two weather patterns gets underway this Tuesday.