Tag Archives: moorhead

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Cleanup Week In Fargo-Moorhead Leaves Strange Items On The Curbside

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Fargo, ND – It is Clean Up week around the Fargo-Moorhead area or the Scavengers Super Bowl other people call it.

This week, thousands of people will throw various filthy piles of shit they have been hording in their house out on the curbside.  Fargo street crew workers have their work cut out for them.  Sifting through bed bug ridden, piss stained bed mattresses, dog shit, super aids, and even more super aids, these sorry bastards deserve more pay for the week.

Along with the filth people throw out, there are a number of strange items the Fargo street crews have come across.

One worker came across an actual full-blooded breathing human.  It seems the husband put the wife out on the curb hoping a passing scavenger will pick her up.

Some other items found are:

The Constitution.  Found on the boulevard of a state representative.  “We don’t need this shit” he said.

Expired Breast Implants

Blood-Stained Cauldron

Various children.  Presumably annoying brats.

Super AIDS as mentioned before.  It be everywhere.

Dynamite

Wolf Urine

Illegal Mexican Immigrant

Pathetically Deflated Blow-up Doll

Broken Sex Swing

Lion Cage

Balloon animals in the shape of Kanye West

Small Wedding Chappel

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Clean up crews are asking that you keep your piles of shit to a minimum.  One neighbor is reporting that his dirty filthy neighbor has already consumed 5 neighbors boulevards with his crap.

 

Moorhead Library

A New generation in Moorhead is breaking the librarian stereotype

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Moorhead LibraryMoorhead, MN – As I walked into the library, the cool air with a tint of old book smell hit my nose.  It reminded me of my young days in elementary school.  Looking around I could see piles of books stacked up around me.  Some books look used and worn while other books looked lonely and unused.  Walking towards the back I couldn’t stop thinking about the stories behind all these books.  Where have they been?  How have they been treated?  As I was thinking I stumbled into a pale white figure hiding in the shadows.

Scared, I asked the sickly looking young adult if it needed help.  “Help?” it asked.  “I was going to ask YOU if you needed something.  I’m the librarian.”  Vampire boy has been a librarian for three years now.  White, pale looking skin, and fake vampire teeth is not your stereotypical appearance of a librarian.  He is not the only one.  A new generation of 20-somethings are breaking the stereotypical librarian role.  Vampires and wizards have been showing up in libraries across the US.  Movie series such as Twilight and Harry Potter have spawned a generation of wannabe vampires and magic spewing young adults.  Instead of nice quiet ladies with glasses, slightly greying hair, and a warming smile, we are now being greeted with black eyeliner, fake vampire teeth and pale skinned freaks.  Wannabe wizards with fake capes and fake superpowers have also been spotted.

For Harry Potter (yes this was his real name), he thought about attending college after high school.  Instead, he is a library assistant in Moorhead, MN.

“Initially I thought about studying quantum mechanics at Harvard but the library kept drawing me in.  Where else could I get paid to study magical powers and spell casting?  This, this is what brought me here.”

Last week a student came in and wanted to know how to cast a fire spell.  Harry Potter knew exactly how to help him.  Another young adult came in yesterday wondering how to drink blood.  Vampire boy knew exactly how to help the lad.

In the end it comes down to customer service.  What better way to provide customer service then to hire vampire boy and harry potter to help with your library needs.

Moorhead Police Car

Moorhead Police Arrest McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker

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Moorhead Police CarMoorhead, MN – Police officers arrested a Moorhead McDonalds drive-thru speaker earlier this morning.  Police reports state the drive-thru speaker was being “confrontational” and “speaking funny” to warrant an arrest.  We got to sit down with the speaker this morning and it had this to say, “Welcome to…<unrecognizable>…fat…<unrecognizable>…order.”  It then went on to say, “Would you like…<unrecognizable>….f…<unrecognizable> off on your fat…<unrecognizable>…face?”  Police officers stated they thought the speaker was disrespecting them and calling them names.  They also believed it was slurring while speaking and could possibly be drunk.  There is such an offense as serving fat ass food while intoxicated The Observer has learned.

All of this could be a simple misunderstanding.  Drive-thru speakers have been known around the world for being complete dickheads.  While the speaker is incarcerated, overweight people will have to actually walk into the store instead of driving their fat ass to the window to order their fat ass food.   How will we continue to live like this?  Walking is overrated.

Former F-M Area City Planner Taking It In the Face Over Sexual Innuendo

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The names of cities and towns in this area have fallen under heavy scrutiny.

Fargo, ND – As the population of our area continues to grow, more prominent figures have taken notice of the rampant perversion of its city planners. Names like Horace (Whore Ass), Harwood (Hard Wood), and Moorhead (More Head) have attracted negative attention from feminists across the nation.

Noted femininst Roberta Paulson had this to say, “The feminist community is completely outraged at the obviously perverted nature of this so-called ‘city planner’. We are calling for a change to these abhorrent titles. Whoreass, Hardwood and Morehead are completely unacceptable and derogatory towards women.” We reached Former City Planner Robert Paulson for comment. “I’ve used these names for other things all throughout my entire life. My kids, my pets. I don’t find them offensive at all.”

Yet another feminist opinion falling on deaf ears. What will happen from here? Not even the Observer knows.