Texas Governor To Pardon One Thousandth Death Row Execution

Smile, you’re being pardoned!!

Austin, TX—Last year, Texas became the first state to murder 500 death row inmates since the US Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976. The death row frontrunner has disposed of nearly five times as many criminals as Virginia, the second state on the list.

Since hitting that epic milestone, the red state’s lawmakers decided to get a little inventive with Mr. 1000. In an effort to draw some positive publicity to capital punishment, they’ve officially declared a pardon for the thousandth death row inmate.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a special announcement from the State Capitol: “Our thousandth violent offender, that little varmint, once he or she gets sentenced to death row we’ll mark it down and when their day finally comes, that lucky duck will receive a formal pardon just minutes before they get sizzled to death.”

When questioned whether this was cruel and unusual punishment, Perry stated “Naw, jack, we’re makin’ em sit on death row ‘n think real long ‘n hard about why they’re there. Then, after they march down Execution Hall ‘n plop down in that there chair with the wires ‘n junk, we’ll break the good news to ’em ‘n throw ’em a little hoedown with balloons ‘n whatnot.”

Governor Perry added that they’re “Fixin’ to hang a buttload of varmints” in the coming years and that death row’s one thousandth customer “Will be in for the ride of his god damned life.”