Xcel Energy Announces Power Outage Compensation Plan

I kill your power with glee and envy.

Fargo, ND – Faulty equipment. The ritualistic conjuring of ancient evils. Fallen tree branches. Squirrels and other burrowing rodents. Global warming. What do these things have in common? Yes, they’re all signs of the coming apocalypse. But also, they are reasons of blame for the local recurrence of Xcel Energy power outages.

Fargo-Moorhead area Xcel customers want to know: What is being done about all these lights quittin’ and whatnot? Will there be indemnity? Reimbursement? People are sick of their homes turning into caves on a regular basis.

Whatever.

Finally, Xcel is providing answers. Here’s what’s being done about the repetitive circuit zapping: The energy provider is awarding a compensation package to customers affected by these outages.

If you’ve suffered a power outage during 2016, you will be provided a compensation package that includes a solar panel keychain and your very own frizzled tree squirrel carcass.

Your package will be mailed to the affected address, no questions asked.

Xcel expects to ship a buttload of these during the weeks to come.