Just A Gal and Her Bird
Leave a reply
Author Archives: Bill Burns
5 Things To Do Instead of Watch Super Bowl XLVIII
Most likely everyone you know will be watching The Stoner Bowl 2014. However, you hate football and have no interest in watching grown adults wrastle each other over cow skin. Here are 5 simple things you can do instead of watch the game.
1. Give Yourself Money
Go and find all the money in your house. Give it to yourself over and over again until the game is over.
2. Find Jesus
This will keep you busy for years. You probably won’t find him in 4 hours but don’t give up! Keep looking!
3. Drink To Pass Out
Don’t drink to get a buzz. Drink to pass out. Drink a ton of alcohol and pass out for hours. By the time you wake up, the game will be over.
4. Literally smoke a Super Bowl.
Smoke a huge super bowl by yourself. Go downstairs or anywhere that is far away from everyone watching the game, put some headphones on and listen to classical music for 4 hours straight.
5. Knock Yourself Out
If all 4 of the above ideas don’t work, knock yourself out. Find the hardest object you have laying around the house and hit yourself over the head until you pass out. When you wake up, game ova.
FM Observer Staff Writer Turns 89
Fargo, ND – Big day today at the FM Observer. Long-time staff writer Hugh Janus turns 89 years old today! This is such a monumental achievement for Hugh Janus that that we went all-out for his birthday.
To start it off, the entire staff was required to drive to work at walking speed. Office attire consisted of wearing mandatory nipple-high pants and not showering for a week. The break room was filled with different hard candy. All butterscotch flavored. Our TV had The Little House on The Prairie playing on repeat. To top it off we had 10 mandatory bathroom breaks and “back to the oldies” playing 24/7.
Overall it was a wonderful day. Hugh Janus ended up falling asleep in the bathroom until 3pm but it was still fun. Please send your birthday wishes to Hugh Janus!
Casselton Resident Says He Has Proof Of A Yeti
Casselton, ND – A Casselton resident states that he has indisputable proof that a Yeti visited his home earlier this morning.
Mr. Jones, a Casselton North Dakota resident was awakened early this morning to his doorbell ringing. Upon answering the door, Mr. Jones stated that nobody was there.
“I live in the country and rarely have visitors. I found it odd that someone would ring my doorbell in the morning.”
Mr. Jones then put on his winter gear and ventured outside just to make sure nobody needed help.
“That’s when I spotted these weird footprints.”
Below is the picture Mr. Jones captured of the footprint.
“Now, I know what a Yeti is. I’ve watched the show finding bigfoot, one of my favorites I might add, so I immediately knew this was a Yeti footprint. I couldn’t believe it! Right in my front yard!”
Mr. Jones continued to search his property but didn’t find much.
“There was some type of feces on my doorstep. I thought that was pretty weird. I don’t know. Maybe it wanted a beer. It’s been cold out here for a while now. I’d imagine the Yeti around here would like a warm house like mine to live in. I’d welcome them in anytime!”
Mr. Jones is going to submit his evidence to the Yeti Research Institute immediately as he is sure he has absolutely proof that a Yeti visited his home.
What do you think?
2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism
“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.
Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.
Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves. Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.
One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus. The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.
The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper, to cut his friends leg off.
For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend. Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.
“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it. Blood everywhere. There was a leg propped up on one of the seats. It was horrible.”
The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower. Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.
The mother would like to know what went wrong.
“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off? Is this what they are teaching my child? How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”
Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.
GIFs of The Week
I’m Glad I Brought My Pacifier
Kanye West T-Shirt Available Once Again.
Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?
A few months back, Kanye west released upon the masses a $120 dollar ‘hip hop’ white t-shirt. You read that right. A $120 dollar regular white cotton t-shirt. If you were planning on trying to stop the planet because you’re done with the ride, now would be the time . This $120 dollar white t-shirt SOLD OUT immediately. Yes, stupid people bought this.
It’s been really hard to get your hands on this one of a kind, totally worth it, $120 dollar white cotton t-shirt. That is, until recently.
The t-shirt is back in stock now but with a twist. Are you ready to hear this folks? Probably the best thing you will hear until 2020. Ok. Last time. Are you ready? You can now buy a $120 DARK NAVY t-shirt!!!! Yea that’s right. Starve yourself of food for a couple months so you can go out and buy this one of a kind navy blue t-shirt.
This t-shirt is a genius collaboration between A.P.C and Kanye West. We can assume the conversation went like this.
Kanye: Yo bitches I got a genius idea, because i’m a genius. Ok ok. Get this. We should sell a white t-shirt! Nobody has ever done it before! Fuck i’m a genius. You think i’m a genius? Yea you know i’m a genius.
APC: You are a true genius nigga. Let’s get that nigga shit in production right away. This is fucking genius. You’re so genius, i’m so genius, we’re just two genius niggas. I fuck bitches.
You can follow the link to purchase the all mighty, genius, white cotton t-shirt. Or, if you would like to NOT starve for a couple months, you can go to Target and buy this one for a low low price of $8 dollars. You decide.
I do think the Kanye West t-shirt is worth it if and only if you buy an affliction t-shirt to wear over it.
You’re a total baller now AND a fucking genius.
Jeana Marie Smart Speaks Out
I was dressed as a pumpkin.
Fargo, ND – Jeana Marie Smart, a Horace woman, was recently charged with felony drug possession for having a broken meth pipe in her vagina.
The story is so bizarre we had to get an interview and an explanation. There are always two sides to a story so today I had the chance to speak with Jeana in her jail cell.
You may see my interview in its entirety below.
Bill: Jeana, first, how is your vagina doing?
Jeana: It’s doing great. I wiped the blood up and gave it a good wash. Really got in there this time.
Bill: So no more pieces of meth pipe in the vag?
Jeana: None. At least I think I got all of it.
Bill: So, everyone wants to know. Why did you have a broken meth pipe hidden in your piss flaps?
Jeana: Well the funny thing is, on Halloween, I dressed as a pumpkin on meth. You can tell by my hair. I was at a party and you know how those go. Next thing you know I have a meth pipe in my meat wallet. I got so drunk that night that I TOTALLY FORGOT about it. That is, until the police found it.
Bill: Did you say you’re sorry to your muff? It must have been quite a traumatic experience for it, don’t you think?
Jeana: Oh yea. I’ve apologized over and over again to it. It’s still ignoring me a little bit but it’s opening up to me slowly. I just need to give it time.
Bill: Alright Jeana. Thank you so much for you time. Just my advice but try not to stick anything else up there ok? It needs it’s space.
So there you go. I was able to answer all your questions. This story is no longer a mystery. Somehow a meth pipe got put into her vagina on Halloween and she simply forgot about it. Her defense is most likely to use this story.
Black Friday Is Upon Us!
The holy day of crazy people is upon us. Reports around the U.S of fights breaking out are already coming in. The best part is, it’s free for us normal folk to watch when it could possibly be pay-per-view.
Last but not least, this guy was spotted in a Walmart parking lot looking for fights.
