Category Archives: Local

Red River Flood Fargo

Red River of Fargo Accused of Being a Complete Dickhead Again.

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Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.

Depressed Man Because It's Not Winter

Local Man Depressed It’s Not Winter

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Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man.  A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners.  He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around.  However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.

Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks.  His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him.  Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up.  Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls.  We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.

“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately.  He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore.  He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him.  It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”  Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.

After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out.  We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.

“I’m depressed.  I’m not happy.  I miss winter.  This nice weather is really getting to me.  I don’t know how to continue on.  I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water.  I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down.  I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.”  His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.

After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane.  Batshit crazy.  We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away.  He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May.  May everyone pray for him.

North Dakota county hopes somebody will run for prosecutor

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACavalier, ND – Pembina county is in need of a lead prosecuting attorney. Amidst political controversy that forced the last county prosecutor out of office, the position has been left vacant for the past couple months. This has county officials absolutely terrified that nobody will run for the primary election this June.

The deadline to file for election is fast approaching, and city officials are getting anxious. “We don’t suspect anyone in a 300 mile radius would be willing or sufficiently able to occupy the position of county prosecutor,” explained Cavalier mayor Burp McGwire. “There are no lawyers here. Only farmers and the occasional shop-keep. Also got a mechanic. We’re offering a generous compensation of 2 milk-cows, a steer, and a 3-acre pasture for the elected official. It’s the best we can do. Would anyone with an online law degree or a forged bar association certificate like to throw their straw hat in the ring??”

This would be a crippling blow to the Pembina county legal system if nobody is willing to run for this elected position. The county will be unable to prosecute wild wild west showdowns, buggy theft, barn trespassing and other such infringements.

Scheels All Sports Fargo

Scheels All Sports To Turn Into Amusement Park. Will Sell Sporting Goods On The Side.

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Scheels All Sports FargoFargo, ND – Scheels All Sports, the Behemoth of the Midwest, will transform it’s enormous and very popular sports store in Fargo into an amusement park the FM Observer has learned.  Scheels is known for its wide variety of sporting goods stores around the Midwest as well as its ever so popular ferris wheel located in the Fargo store.  With the economy still down and people finally realizing they can buy the same low quality shit cheaper online, Scheels has been struggling to keep the doors open.  What hasn’t been suffering is the ferris wheel as seen immediately upon walking into the Fargo store.  In fact, it’s the only thing keeping this store from going under.

Ferris wheel ride sales have soared and beat actual sporting goods sales 100 to 1.  Because of this, Scheels has decided to transform this mansion of an overpriced sporting goods store into a small amusement park.  Among the plans of installing a larger ferris wheel, water ride, and enormous gravity wheel, there will still be sporting goods available to purchase randomly throughout the amusement park.  Sporting goods such as deer piss, camouflage clothing, and night vision goggles.  Apparently this is hunting gear and not some perverted equipment deer fuckers would use to throw a ‘WILD’ party.

This is tough for the economy and tough for Fargo.  Although people will no longer be raped by buying overpriced items, at least bobby the crooked back alien baby with a hideous face, will be able to ride his ferris wheel on Sundays and pick up some deer piss on the way out the door.

Miracle, A Female Peregrine Falcon Returns To Fargo. Husband Missing.

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Fargo, ND – Since April, many birds have started their seasonal migration back to the Fargo-Moorhead area.  One of the those birds is a peregrine falcon named Miracle.  Since 2008, Miracle and her mate Dakota Ace have been setting up shop outside the 12th floor of the Bank of the West building in downtown Fargo.  The only difference this year, Dakota Ace is nowhere to be seen.  At a ripe age of 15, it is speculated that Dakota Ace did not survive the winter.  It is possible that he simply hasn’t made the trek home yet but with each passing day it is becoming a less likely scenario.

We smelled bullshit on this story right away.  Upon hearing Dakota Ace was missing, we were on a mission to find out what really happened to him.  After extension research, copious amounts of coffee, and dozens of dead ends, we finally found Dakota Ace in the least likely of places, a bar in southern Florida.  We sat down with Dakota Ace to get the story.

“Where in the world have you been Dakota?  The people of Fargo have been worried about you.” I asked.  “Well, where do I begin.  I couldn’t stand that old hag anymore.  She was constantly nagging!  Go hunt some food for me.  Build this nest.  Fix this nest.  Do this.  Do that.  It never ended.  Always asking where I’ve been when everytime it’s because I’m out getting her and I food to survive.  I couldn’t stand it anymore.  She was just a total bitch.  Besides that, she started getting fat.  Who wants to live with that?  When I first started mating with her she was a 10.  After a few years she turned into a 2.  Bleh!  Gross!  Talk about false advertising!  To top it all off, Fargo is cold!  Always windy, always cold, and it snows for half the year.  Screw that!  I’m going to enjoy the hot and humid weather here in Florida.  Please tell that old hag that I died a terrible death.  Please!  I beg of you!”

I bought Mr. Ace another beer and we chatted late into the evening.  I fulfilled Mr. Ace’s request and told Miracle that Dakota had died a terrible death and to move on.  Apparently Miracle believed me as there has been another male possibly spotted in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

We wish Mr. Ace the best and hopes he gets the relaxation he deserves.

runner fargo moorhead

Running, Rollerblading, Biking, Hotties, Causing Car Crashes Across The Fargo-Moorhead Area.

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runner fargo moorheadFargo, ND – You can tell spring is finally here as seen by the boners casually sticking out of men’s shorts or the increase of car crashes across the Fargo-Moorhead area.  Fargo-Moorhead has seen a dramatic increase of car crashes since fresh air and nice weather has graced the region.  Since Monday, there have been a total of 10 automobile accidents and all of them were males behind the wheel.

One crash was report on 25th st and 32nd ave in South Fargo.  We spoke with the man involved in the accident and asked how it all happened.

“Well I was listening to the song Dancing Queen by ABBA and rolling down the street pretty hard.  I looked to my left and saw a huge rack of big ol’ titties bouncing up and down to the beat of the same song I was listening to.  She was just riding her bike all hot and stuff.  Next thing I knew, the front of my car was halfway through the back end of the car in front of me.”

We were on location of another accident on 9th st e and 18th ave e West Fargo.  We asked Peter File how it all went down.

“I was just driving around Cheney Middle School over and over you know?  I was uh, just bored on my day off.  I spilled some pop on my crotch and was wiping it up when something passed the corner of my eye.  I looked over to see a very sexy young lady on roller blades.  The last thing I remember was seeing her sweaty nipples through her white shirt.  It was glorious!  Then I crashed my car into a light pole and that sucked.  I blacked out for 10 minutes but I will always remember the nipple sweat.”

Lastly we spoke with James who veered off the road, went down a ditch, jumped 2ft over a hill and finally landed in a man made lake.

“I was simply minding my own business when I saw two girlfriends in short shorts running down the road.  I was imagining how cool it would be for them to just stop running and start making out.  That’s when I veered off the road like the dukes of hazzard.

This beautiful weather is only going to get nicer so we can only hope we see more barley dressed women hopping around like not a care in the world.  I apologize.  What I meant was, as it’s only the start of spring, this weather is only going to get nicer.  Let’s pay attention to our fellow drivers and keep our eyes on the road.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

Moorhead Library

A New generation in Moorhead is breaking the librarian stereotype

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Moorhead LibraryMoorhead, MN – As I walked into the library, the cool air with a tint of old book smell hit my nose.  It reminded me of my young days in elementary school.  Looking around I could see piles of books stacked up around me.  Some books look used and worn while other books looked lonely and unused.  Walking towards the back I couldn’t stop thinking about the stories behind all these books.  Where have they been?  How have they been treated?  As I was thinking I stumbled into a pale white figure hiding in the shadows.

Scared, I asked the sickly looking young adult if it needed help.  “Help?” it asked.  “I was going to ask YOU if you needed something.  I’m the librarian.”  Vampire boy has been a librarian for three years now.  White, pale looking skin, and fake vampire teeth is not your stereotypical appearance of a librarian.  He is not the only one.  A new generation of 20-somethings are breaking the stereotypical librarian role.  Vampires and wizards have been showing up in libraries across the US.  Movie series such as Twilight and Harry Potter have spawned a generation of wannabe vampires and magic spewing young adults.  Instead of nice quiet ladies with glasses, slightly greying hair, and a warming smile, we are now being greeted with black eyeliner, fake vampire teeth and pale skinned freaks.  Wannabe wizards with fake capes and fake superpowers have also been spotted.

For Harry Potter (yes this was his real name), he thought about attending college after high school.  Instead, he is a library assistant in Moorhead, MN.

“Initially I thought about studying quantum mechanics at Harvard but the library kept drawing me in.  Where else could I get paid to study magical powers and spell casting?  This, this is what brought me here.”

Last week a student came in and wanted to know how to cast a fire spell.  Harry Potter knew exactly how to help him.  Another young adult came in yesterday wondering how to drink blood.  Vampire boy knew exactly how to help the lad.

In the end it comes down to customer service.  What better way to provide customer service then to hire vampire boy and harry potter to help with your library needs.

North Dakota State University (NDSU) Bison

Cuts are coming to North Dakota State University. Dean Bresciani Faces Tough Decisions.

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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days.  This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus.  They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.

In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.”  With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it.  Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary.  What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways?  Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass.  Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.

More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.”  He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary.  That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant.  One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.

Good job higher education.  Take all the money you can.  Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma.  This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.

Man falls off bridge into the Red River in Fargo-Moorhead

Man apparently falls off a railroad bridge in North Fargo.

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Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River.  The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river.  Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories.  One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”.  Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off.  While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan.  This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.

After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games.  Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing.  Tragically, no alcohol was involved.