Category Archives: News

Colorado: Violent Crime Down 400% Since Marijuana Legalization

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pipes not knives!

Pipes, not knives! Bongs, not guns!

Denver, CO – First quarter 2013 crime statistics are officially in from the Mile High City, and things are looking up. Violent crime has taken a nose dive compared to past years. Crimes of passion and hate have seen a record downturn, plummeting more than 400% during the first 3 months of this year.

It would appear that Denver county is making a peaceful name for itself after legalizing personal amounts of Sticky Green Leaf.

Dude, woah, like, nobody has been robbing or hurting anybody for like ever (or at least since everybody’s been puffing tough). With the ease of access to buds, more and more would-be criminals are kicking back, trading in their guns for pipes. They’re busy snacking on pot brownies instead of stabbing for crack rocks.

Maaaan, the sitch in D-town has gotten, like, so chill. It’s rad. Peace and love, yo! Peeps are buying bongs instead of guns and filling them full of hippie lettuce instead of bullets. Word. Flower power! The proliferation of pipes has led to the sudden reduction in crime, stoner statistics say. Did you just see that, maaaan? Like, the numbers went waaaaay down all of a sudden! Whoooaaaa.

If these trends continue, Denver police are going to gain a serious advantage over violent crime. Hey bro, they might even, like, completely stop it from, like, happening and junk. Far out!

Fargo Weather

Hundreds of Missing Fargo Residents Found

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Fargo WeatherFargo, ND – It’s been a very cold and depressing winter season this year.

This has left hundreds of out-of-state family members worried as they haven’t heard from their loves ones who live in the Fargo tundra for quite some time.

Yesterday, neighbors all around the city have started to see their neighbors whom they haven’t seen for months, crawl, hop, roll, and gimp out of their front door unexpectedly.

One neighbor described it as something out of a horror movie.

Haven’t seen ‘ol Jim in about 4 months.  Then all of a sudden there he is in his underwear rolling himself out his front door.  Looks like he hasn’t shaved in 4 months and his underwear looked to be dirty.  He looked absolutely awful.

Jim is just one of hundreds who seem to have “hibernated” in their homes this year due to the terrible winter weather.  With warmer temperatures in the horizon, these hibernators seem to have awaken from their deep sleep.

We were able to speak to Douglas Bumble who has been hibernating in his room with five blankets and an electric heater since December 1st.  He hasn’t stepped outside since.

I don’t really know who you are but I’m hungry and I’d like to tan in the sun now please.

 

We hope they all still have their jobs and encourage them to contact their out-of-state family members as soon as they know what month it is.

The Fargo Police Department will be following up with theses hibernators and close all missing persons reports.

 

Government Program Ends After Goal Somehow Met

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Washington, DC—To the shock and utter disbelief of many, a government program has officially called it quits.

The initiative, said to help, prevent and raise awareness of its cause, has gone the way of extinction now that actual physical need has completely subsided.

Program offices around the country boarded up shop last week, seemingly out of nowhere.

A completely bewildered spokeswoman explains:

“There is no longer a need for our program. The less-fortunate have learned from their woes and quit asking for free handouts, so we’ve simply stopped giving them out. This move is unprecedented as we never predicted that the need for our service or any government-provided service could or would terminate, especially in the 21st century.”

Thousands of government workers across the nation are now left without jobs and unfortunately, without pension plans to back them up as their budget subsidies are being taken off the books and usurped by other national organizations.

Shell-shocked by this liberal agenda’s untimely demise, Washington-led officials are left shrugging their shoulders and scratching their heads, wondering what went right.

Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group

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You can’t spell Fargodome without ‘God’

Fargo, ND – Well, they’re at it again! The extremist left-wing wackos that tried to ban the Ten Commandments from downtown Fargo are up to another equally fretful plot.

By using powerful empirical logic, these pseudo-Vulcans believe in complete and total separation of church and state as is prescribed by the U.S. Bill Of Rights. Any nano-violation of this cardinal sin is fair game for the omnipresent mental focus of these non-emotional agnostic brainiacs.

The next battle to be fought by the non-profit group known as the Red River Freethinkers will be over the name of the Fargodome. The word “GOD” is curiously placed exactly in the middle of “FARGODOME”  and this is apparently not acceptable, and must be changed, according to the Freethinkers.

A hooded spokesthinker for the shady freethought group explained: “Either the name of the Fargodome needs to be changed or this will make us feel isolated and uncomfortable enough that we will need to perpetually protest this blatant violation of what we think is permissible and non-permissible. We have decided that having the word ‘GOD’ in the middle of the name of a city-owned facility is egregiously offensive within the confines of the freethought dogma perspective.”

Surprised Fargodome officials say that the management group of the building, which was built on university land back in late 1992, has never been aware of the fact that “GOD” clearly sits in the middle of their huge signage. Attorney Steve Reeves declared, “Any reference to a higher power in the building’s name is totally coincidental and should not be interpreted as bridging the separation of religion and government.”

The Freethinkers continue ramping up their plans to protest this new problematic situation which will most likely add to their membership. Ironically, becoming a member of the Freethinkers is not free. The cost to join this band of freethinking practitioners is $15 for a student, $30 for an individual, and $45 for a family.

By keeping their name in the headlines and growing their clout, other issues will be able to be addressed in the future, such as: removing “In God We Trust” from all money, stopping politicians from attending church services, and ending all news coverage of Pope Frank on NPR and Public Television.

One wonders how the Freethinkers will react when they realize what word is in the middle of the name of a popular furniture store in the area: ETHAN ALLEN.

North Dakota Department of Transportation Proposing Mandatory Winter Driving Courses

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Shitsville, ND

Everywhere, ND

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has released preliminary first-quarter car accident statistical report findings and let me tell you, the numbers are staggering.

The report shows that there has been a “buttload of single-car wrecks” during the first 3 months of 2013. It’s a very revealing statistic that seems to indicate how continually reckless our state’s drivers are.

These staggering numbers could very easily be blamed on oil patch-bound out-of-towners who have not yet been winterized (acclimated to the absolutely horrific road conditions North Dakota is mercilessly forced to endure) but NDDOT sees things differently. That is why they have initiated mandatory winter driving course legislation.

NDDOT wants to force all currently and potentially licensed ND drivers to pass a mandatory winter driving course as a part of obtaining a new license or a license renewal. The legislation is slated to budget extra money for changes to driving tests.

A driver must boss their way through an NDDOT-prepared one-mile portion of road that includes either fake snow during the summer or a real stretch of panic-inducing black-ice highway during winter in order to earn that license. Drivers who want the privilege to operate a motor vehicle in our state must prove that they are capable of operating road machinery during times of absolutely infuriating winter weather.

The likelihood of this somewhat ridiculous-but-kinda-sensible bill passing or even existing is not high. However, it must be stated that this is the same Republican legislature that decided they could override Roe vs Wade and basically claim eminent domain over a woman’s vagina, so a bill like this is not entirely that far-fetched.

Start Your Own Bucket List Club

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Kick Me!

AnyWhere, USA – Not long after hearing about the 2007 blockbuster movie “The Bucket List”, my spouse-mate and I decided to start our own Bucket List Club.

We thought the idea of having on-going lists of things we each wanted to do before we “kicked the bucket” was a cool idea.

Taking that one step further, starting or joining a Bucket List Club is a great way of regularly getting together with other Bucketeers to discuss and share ideas, review and add to your lists, as well as check-off the items you’ve already accomplished.

Just remember that it’s never too early (or too late) to start a list of things you would like to do or accomplish before you kick the proverbial can.

Here are 25 fun ideas you may want to consider adding to your own Bucket List (if they’re not already on it), or at least these may get your creative juices flowing to brainstorm some others, that you can perhaps share at our next meeting.

  1. Check-in to a homeless shelter and spend the night.
  2. Follow a police car around until it pulls over.
  3. Greet people as they walk into Wal-Mart and ask for I.D.
  4. Sneak in little bottles of rum to add to your Designated Driver Cokes.
  5. Stand up at weddings of strangers and say “I strenuously object.”
  6. Write a novel and then read it during open-mic night at a poetry lounge.
  7. Pretend to be completely blind for a day.
  8. Throw Dots at people in a movie theater.
  9. Enter a poker tournament and play the race card.
  10. At the mall, have a loud animated argument with your smart phone.
  11. Volunteer at the Humane Society long enough to release all the dogs.
  12. Respond to panhandlers and solicitors with: “Sorry, I do not speak English.”
  13. Stand almost motionless in the front window of a clothing store.
  14. Call a hotel front desk from home and order some room service.
  15. Attend a local Catholic mass dressed as the pope.
  16. Visit retirement home residents and claim you’re “family”.
  17. Put out signs directing people to a garage sale at your neighbor’s house.
  18. Try talking a used-car salesman into selling you a car for $1.
  19. Capture wild rabbits and breed them for money.
  20. Call into local radio talk-shows and ask them why they called you.
  21. Loudly yell out “Drinks on the house!” in a packed bar.
  22. Laugh before the punch-lines, while attending a comedy club.
  23. Experience a rustic Carnival cruise – without toilets, food, and power.
  24. When out with Karaoke friends, sign up to sing the entire Lord’s Prayer.
  25. Start your own Bucket List Club!

Giant Rabbits Are Taking Over Fargo

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Pest or potential pet?

Pest or potential pet?

Fargo, ND – The rabbit population in Fargo-Moorhead is spiraling dangerously out of control. The herbivore hare is making its presence known to the point of them becoming a cuddly-wuddly new pest in our area.

These stuffed-animals-come-to-life are migrating to a shrub near you. What were once only seen on a rare occasion have now become an everyday event as rabbits roam free throughout town; darting in and out of bushes near sidewalks and city streets.

Fargo resident Lindsey Goetz has witnessed the epidemic firsthand:

“Bunnies are taking over Fargo. They are as big as medium-sized dogs.”

West Fargo resident and friend of animals Cody Marthaller is a proud contributor to the issue of overpopulation:

“True story. I have four jackrabbits bigger than small dogs visit my backyard. I’m probably the reason for such rapid breeding from all the food they are eating from my backyard.”

The larger-sized rabbits are getting aggressive—competing with squirrels for real estate. They can be overheard facing down the tree rats; barking at them like some kind of possessed Easter mascot.

I found this little rascal hopping around on a sidewalk outside the Atomic Coffee in Moorhead. He seemed to have either lost his way or had been kicked out of his nest for being a runt 🙁

Small at first...

Small at first…

If this isn’t an adorably cute indication that the rabbit population is out of hand, I don’t know what is.

The Observer urges you to take in one (or twelve) of these furry friends as a means to combat this fun-sized, adorable issue. Feed them crickets and grass. Pet them and hug them (if you dare). Love them. But remember: if these wild animals feel cornered, they become surprisingly defensive and violent. Happy hunting!

VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming

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SUNBALLERpx1Alice Springs, Australia – A young VooDoo priest who calls himself Legba (pronounced Leg-Ba) claims he can actually help Planet Earth with its global warming “fever”.

Mr. Legba has apparently done some incredible things involving the sun in his native northern Australian backwoods area.

His fellow tribesmen, from the aborigine group known as Walwallie, claim this VooDoo superstar was born with some very special powers to affect and control the sun’s energy and temperament.

Legend has it, that on the day Legba was born, there was both a total solar eclipse and a region-wide power outage which affected most of Australia.

This gifted aboriginal Australian VooDoo medicine man has now caught the attention of the US-led global warming alarmists. There is talk that Legba will soon become the first-ever U.S. VooDoo Czar.

He and his support staff will possibly be working with a group of Scientologists and a new government agency call the CCC: The Center for Climate Control.

Their funding for this important project will come from a new global warming tax, along with the proceeds from an upcoming movie called “Can Legba Save Planet Earth?”, in which Legba will play himself.

Speaking through a translator, Legba, whose native language is Andakerebina, would like everyone to know that 1. “VooDoo works”, and 2. “Now is the time to act and the time to act is now.”

Legba, and his lovely wife Ayezan, will temporarily be staying in a comfortable two-room hut in the White House Rose Garden, until more permanent hutting can be provided for them.

NASCAR to Implement Performance Enhancing Chemical Testing

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Juicing?

Juicing?

Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.

This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.

Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.

Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.

The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.

NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.

New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool

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ORKFESTpx1

Will work for food.

Mendham, NJ – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is changing the perception of fatness. What used to be a “problem” that needed to be “corrected” is now becoming a virtue that makes a person more respected and have more gravitas.

In flaunting his expansive obesity, Governor Christie has been sending a message that it is not only OK to be fat, but it’s actually cool and something of which one can be proud.

Governor Christie has been making a name for himself politically by trying to tighten the belt of New Jersey’s budget and put a stop to pork-barrel spending in his state. But personally, he has been doing just the opposite. While fighting a war in his state to cut excessive waste, his own waist has expanded excessively.

In a direct response to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s recent ban of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Governor Christie decided to ban any soda pop sales in containers less than 16 ounces.

From the New Jersey capitol rotunda, the rotund Chris Christie recently announced a new challenge to students of all ages in his state. Similar to the “Be Like Mike” Gatorade commercials, Governor Christie’s new program is called “Eat Like Chris”. The program invites the next generation to be like the Governor and fill out their figures by eating as much as they want and don’t worry about getting any exercise.

Any students who reach a weight-to-height ratio of 70 pounds per vertical foot will earn the new prestigious Governor’s Honor Award and be invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Governor’s mansion.

So, for example, any New Jersey students who are 4.5 feet tall would need to weigh a minimum of 315 pounds to reach Governor Christie’s challenge goal.

Rather than being embarrassed by all the jokes about his weight, Governor Christie is showing others that those jokes will only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Jimmy Fallon once joked that Gov. Christie probably thought that the Gaza Strip was a type of steak and spoke of the Governor’s heroic effort to bravely rescue a Tostito that fell into his artichoke dip. But the fact that all those jokes don’t bother the Governor is really helping others to put on more pounds of their own and feel good about it.

Look for Gov. Krispy Kreme to continue to throw his weight around while weighing in on weighty decisions. He can always be counted on to continue fighting against raising taxes on fast food, or food, in general, of any type.