‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ Renewed For 3 More Seasons. Suicides up 80%.

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NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons.  Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage?  E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history.  The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying.  I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.

Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America.  Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007.  Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air.  We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.

“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had.  She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup.  I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it.  I mean, I didn’t mean to do it.  I just acted off of instinct.  I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.

“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend.  Kim was crying because of spiders.  I mean FUCK!  It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on.  I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived.  I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.

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“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face.  This all happened within seconds.  Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.

It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves.  It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things.  It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show.  The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.

Way to go America.  GOD HELP US ALL.

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Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.