Giant Rabbits Are Taking Over Fargo

Pest or potential pet?

Pest or potential pet?

Fargo, ND – The rabbit population in Fargo-Moorhead is spiraling dangerously out of control. The herbivore hare is making its presence known to the point of them becoming a cuddly-wuddly new pest in our area.

These stuffed-animals-come-to-life are migrating to a shrub near you. What were once only seen on a rare occasion have now become an everyday event as rabbits roam free throughout town; darting in and out of bushes near sidewalks and city streets.

Fargo resident Lindsey Goetz has witnessed the epidemic firsthand:

“Bunnies are taking over Fargo. They are as big as medium-sized dogs.”

West Fargo resident and friend of animals Cody Marthaller is a proud contributor to the issue of overpopulation:

“True story. I have four jackrabbits bigger than small dogs visit my backyard. I’m probably the reason for such rapid breeding from all the food they are eating from my backyard.”

The larger-sized rabbits are getting aggressive—competing with squirrels for real estate. They can be overheard facing down the tree rats; barking at them like some kind of possessed Easter mascot.

I found this little rascal hopping around on a sidewalk outside the Atomic Coffee in Moorhead. He seemed to have either lost his way or had been kicked out of his nest for being a runt 🙁

Small at first...

Small at first…

If this isn’t an adorably cute indication that the rabbit population is out of hand, I don’t know what is.

The Observer urges you to take in one (or twelve) of these furry friends as a means to combat this fun-sized, adorable issue. Feed them crickets and grass. Pet them and hug them (if you dare). Love them. But remember: if these wild animals feel cornered, they become surprisingly defensive and violent. Happy hunting!

VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming

SUNBALLERpx1Alice Springs, Australia – A young VooDoo priest who calls himself Legba (pronounced Leg-Ba) claims he can actually help Planet Earth with its global warming “fever”.

Mr. Legba has apparently done some incredible things involving the sun in his native northern Australian backwoods area.

His fellow tribesmen, from the aborigine group known as Walwallie, claim this VooDoo superstar was born with some very special powers to affect and control the sun’s energy and temperament.

Legend has it, that on the day Legba was born, there was both a total solar eclipse and a region-wide power outage which affected most of Australia.

This gifted aboriginal Australian VooDoo medicine man has now caught the attention of the US-led global warming alarmists. There is talk that Legba will soon become the first-ever U.S. VooDoo Czar.

He and his support staff will possibly be working with a group of Scientologists and a new government agency call the CCC: The Center for Climate Control.

Their funding for this important project will come from a new global warming tax, along with the proceeds from an upcoming movie called “Can Legba Save Planet Earth?”, in which Legba will play himself.

Speaking through a translator, Legba, whose native language is Andakerebina, would like everyone to know that 1. “VooDoo works”, and 2. “Now is the time to act and the time to act is now.”

Legba, and his lovely wife Ayezan, will temporarily be staying in a comfortable two-room hut in the White House Rose Garden, until more permanent hutting can be provided for them.

Cardinals Enter Sistine Chapel

To the Conclave!! No Pope After Day 2. Come On Man!

My eyes are starting to get bloodshot.  I’ve been celebrating the religious superbowl.  The selecting of the new pope.

I’ve been up since Tuesday morning anticipating the conclave and the electing of the new pope.  Why?  Because there are three Americans in the running!  America!  America!

'merica! 'merica! 'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!

 

 

What?  You didn’t know?  The American candidates that have a chance of wearing an awesome pope hat, having a pope mobile, and living in a castle amongst a ton of wealth are Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York, Cardinal Sean O’Malley of Boston and Cardinal Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C.

Ok ok.  I don’t know who the hell these people are either.  I threw a party Tuesday night and gave out free pope hats and just cheered for ‘merica.  In fact I’m still wearing my pope hat and probably won’t take it off until they finally choose someone.  I wore it to work and thankfully nobody said a word.

I’m tired.  I’ve been partying strong about the conclave since 10 in the morning on Tuesday and I’d really appreciate it if they could finally choose someone here already.  I’m at my wits end.  I was waiting all night and then……then the black smoke….AGAIN.  Ugh! The anticipating is killing me!  I can hardly stay awake and I smell of alcohol and holy water.

The voting will continue until Saturday March 16.  At that time the cardinals will break for a day of prayer and reflection.  Maybe take a shower, take a shit, and eat.

Anyways, I’d like this pope party to end here.  I’ve poped myself out.

NASCAR to Implement Performance Enhancing Chemical Testing

Juicing?

Juicing?

Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.

This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.

Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.

Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.

The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.

NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.

New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool

ORKFESTpx1

Will work for food.

Mendham, NJ – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is changing the perception of fatness. What used to be a “problem” that needed to be “corrected” is now becoming a virtue that makes a person more respected and have more gravitas.

In flaunting his expansive obesity, Governor Christie has been sending a message that it is not only OK to be fat, but it’s actually cool and something of which one can be proud.

Governor Christie has been making a name for himself politically by trying to tighten the belt of New Jersey’s budget and put a stop to pork-barrel spending in his state. But personally, he has been doing just the opposite. While fighting a war in his state to cut excessive waste, his own waist has expanded excessively.

In a direct response to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s recent ban of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Governor Christie decided to ban any soda pop sales in containers less than 16 ounces.

From the New Jersey capitol rotunda, the rotund Chris Christie recently announced a new challenge to students of all ages in his state. Similar to the “Be Like Mike” Gatorade commercials, Governor Christie’s new program is called “Eat Like Chris”. The program invites the next generation to be like the Governor and fill out their figures by eating as much as they want and don’t worry about getting any exercise.

Any students who reach a weight-to-height ratio of 70 pounds per vertical foot will earn the new prestigious Governor’s Honor Award and be invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Governor’s mansion.

So, for example, any New Jersey students who are 4.5 feet tall would need to weigh a minimum of 315 pounds to reach Governor Christie’s challenge goal.

Rather than being embarrassed by all the jokes about his weight, Governor Christie is showing others that those jokes will only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Jimmy Fallon once joked that Gov. Christie probably thought that the Gaza Strip was a type of steak and spoke of the Governor’s heroic effort to bravely rescue a Tostito that fell into his artichoke dip. But the fact that all those jokes don’t bother the Governor is really helping others to put on more pounds of their own and feel good about it.

Look for Gov. Krispy Kreme to continue to throw his weight around while weighing in on weighty decisions. He can always be counted on to continue fighting against raising taxes on fast food, or food, in general, of any type.

Carrot Top To Visit Afghanistan In Peacemaking Venture

Top, Carrot

Top, Carrot

Las Vegas, NV – Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, fresh back from his visit to North Korea, says to the press that “Kim Jong-un just wants Obama to call.” Although this saga is far from over, it teaches us a simple lesson: Sometimes all you need to do to make peace is reach out and touch someone.

Not one to be outdone, famous prop-comedian Carrot Top is making efforts to bridge the gap between these United States and the war-torn country of Afghanistan.

Top will be having his passport stamped en route to a visit with top Al-Qaeda brass this week in what he’s calling a “follow-up to what the Worm did” so eloquently in North Korea. Top states that “laughter is the best medicine” and that “all those terrorists need is a series of visual prop jokes” to ease their hatred for our country.

Top, with help from the CIA, is slated to arrive at a secret Al-Qaeda hideout as early as this Wednesday. He will ride in on a camel and be armed to the teeth with his trunk full of props in an effort to win over the terrorist organization.

If anyone can do it, Carrot Top can. Godspeed, ye hilarious redhead!