Pope Benedict XVI shockingly and abruptly announced his resignation earlier this week after nearly eight years as the head of the Catholic Church.
Pope Benedict XVI is the first pope to resign in over 600 years. He is also the first pope to utilize Twitter, who must have had help and direction from god himself to get that working.
What is the pope going to do now? Well it isn’t retirement that’s for sure.
The Pope has been hired to head coach the Penn State football team effective the beginning of next month.
We feel Pope Benedict XVI to be everything we are looking for to lead this fine football team here at Penn State — Anita Bure (public relations)
We feel his hands-on experience with the youth is second to none and it’s just what we need for our program — Assistant Coach
Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his last public Mass as pontiff in which he had this to say:
“As you know, I’ve decided to renounce the ministry. I know this may come as a shock to all of you but this may be even more shocking. I’ve been hired head coach of the Penn State football team. I know I know…crazy you say. However, with my connections with the lord jesus christ, Penn State needs all the help they can get. I also have extensive hands-on experience with the innocent children here on earth and I really feel this will transition well into their football program.”
The Pope will make his final public appearances later this month
New York, NY – The 137th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has been rocked by scandal.
Shortly after the Best-In-Show winner was named at Madison Square Garden, it was discovered that the winning dog was actually a polar bear cub, named Knut.
Obviously, this development is a huge embarrassment to this most prestigious and longest-running dog show.
The owners and handlers of the imposter “dog” are Amak and Akrittok Arjalinerk from the Yupik Eskimo tribe, which currently resides in north-central Alaska.
Mr. and Mrs. Arjalinerk had apparently entered the young carnivore into the dog show, not knowing that polar bears cannot compete in this canine-only event.
Inexperienced dog show officials must have initially assumed young Knut was legit, and categorized him as an American Eskimo Dog, which belongs in the Non-Sporting Group.
After winning his best-of-breed competition amongst all the other American Eskimo dogs, Knut went on to wow the crowd that watched the Non-Sporting Group competition.
Judge Florence Males of Pleasant Hill, CA was completely fooled by the bear cub as she named him winner of the Non-Sporting Group, which qualifiied Knut to participate in the final Best-In-Show competition.
Unbelieveably, the Best-In-Show judge, Michael Dougherty, named the polar bear to be the ultimate winner of 137th Annual Dog Show.
Mandatory blood testing after the dog show revealed that Knut was, in truth, a member of the animal Family Ursidae (Genus Ursus), which undeniably proves that the dog show winner will one day grow to weigh 1,500 pounds by eating a steady diet of seals, walruses, and probably a few stray dogs.
China Town, CA – Have you always wanted to be able to speak fluent conversational Chinese, but thought it was too difficult to learn? When eating at a Chinese restaurant, have you often wondered what the owners are saying?
Now, because of a new break-through in learning the Chinese language, you too can be speaking perfect Chinese in a matter of weeks. The Flash-Learn Company has put together a new set of language flashcards that make it possible for anyone to easily learn how to speak and understand Chinese.
Most Americans already know that the Chinese way of saying Table Tennis is “Ping Pong”. Many know how to order some favorite Chinese dishes such as “Egg Foo Young” in the native Chinese tongue. But beyond that, Chinese has been almost impossible to learn…until now!
Chinese characters are known as pictographs. Each flashcard has a picture of the word, along with its associated English term, and finally the actual authentic Chinese pictographs. (Click on the above picture to zoom in on an actual example flashcard!)
Scientific studies have shown that a basic functional literacy of the Chinese language requires a knowledge of between three and four thousand characters. Mandarin Chinese has 21 consonants and 16 vowels. They can be combined together to create more than 400 mono-syllabic sounds. The Flash-Learn company has done all the work for you by putting together one complete set of flashcards to make learning Chinese easy peasy.
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Nashville, TN – A god-fearing (or satan-fearing, depending on how you look at it) man in Tennessee quit his job the other day after his company W-2 form came through stamped with the numbers 666. Walter Slonopas got the H-E-double hockey sticks out of that obviously possessed workplace after he noticed the very frightening sequence of numbers.
Walter spoke with The Tennessean about his admittedly bizarre circumstance, telling them that “The Bible calls 666 the number of the beast” and that he could “either go to work, or go to hell.” After feeling Satan’s icy grip slide around his throat, Walter decided to jet. For good.
Contech Casting, the company he worked for, stated that it was merely the order in which the W-2 forms went out and that the presence of the number was a complete and utter coincidence. They also stated that it was a coincidence that Walter was assigned the very same eerie number to clock in with in 2011 when he began his employment.
I can’t say I blame Walter for bolting like that. I mean, if I saw the numbers 69 appear on my W-2, i’d probably think that Gina from Accounting wanted to have sex on me. And if the number zero came through stamped on my papers? I’d feel like my life had no meaning and would probably fall into a pit of depression. But if I was magically graced with the number 1 on my forms? I’m on top of the world. There would be no stopping me.
Take a deep breath. You are about to be blown away by a fucking all-star cast of singers on this one.
This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from an ‘artist’ named ASAP Rockey from his single Fuckin’ Problems. He’s got a whole lot of problems. Problems of fucking sucking. This single features the all-star cast of ASAP Rockey, 2 Chainz, Drake & Kendrick Lamar. What a crew. Crew full of sucking.
The song starts off with the word ‘fucking’ being used 7 times out of 9 lines of so called lyrics.
I love bad bitches, that’s my fucking problem
And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fucking problem
I love bad bitches, that’s my fucking problem
And yeah I like to fuck I got a fucking problem
I love bad bitches, that’s my fucking problem
And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fucking problem
If finding somebody real is your fucking problem
Bring your girls to the crib maybe we can solve it
Solid lyric writing skills there I must say. Here is the rest. This great song goes on to say:
[Verse 1: A$AP Rocky]
Hold up, bitches simmer down
Taking hella long, bitch give it to me now
Make that thing pop like a semi or a nine
Ooh baby like it raw with the shimmy shimmy ya, huh
A$AP get like me
Never met a motherfucker fresh like me
All these motherfuckers wanna dress like me
Put the chrome to your dome, make you sweat like Keith
Cause I’m the nigga, the nigga nigga, like how you figure?
Getting figures and fuckin’ bitches, she rolling Swishers
Brought her bitches, I brought my niggas, they getting bent up off the liquor
She love my licorice, I let her lick it
They say money make a nigga act nigger-ish
But least a nigga nigga rich
I be fucking broads like I be fucking bored
Turn a dyke bitch out, have her fucking boys, beast
“All these motherfuckers wanna dress like me.” No we don’t. Seems his lyric writing skills consists of only two things. Using the word ‘nigga’ as much as possible and talking about fucking women.
Next up is Drake. Fucking all-star here.
[Verse 2: Drake]
Ooh, I know you love it when this beat is on
Make you think about all of the niggas you’ve been leadin’ on
Make me think about all of the rappers I’ve been feedin’ on
Got a feelin’ that’s the same dudes that we speakin’ on, oh word?
Ain’t heard my album? Who you sleepin’ on?
You should print the lyrics out and have a fuckin’ read-along
Ain’t a fuckin’ sing-along ‘less you brought the weed along
Then ju.. (Okay, I got it)
Then just drop down and get yo’ eagle on
Or we can stare up at the stars and put the Beatles on
All that shit you talkin’ ’bout is not up for discussion
I will pay to make it bigger, I don’t pay for no reduction
If it’s comin’ from a nigga I don’t know, then I don’t trust it
If you comin’ for my head, then motherfucker get to bustin’
Yes Lord, I don’t really say this often
But this long dick nigga ain’t for the long talkin’, I beast
*sigh* He does save his best writing ability for the end that even John Lennon/Paul McCartney would be proud of. That is the, “But this long dick nigga ain’t for the long talkin’, I beast” line.
Finally, Kendrick Lamar is up. Fucking all-star.
[Verse 3: Kendrick Lamar]
Yeah ho, this the finale
My pep talk turn into a pep rally
Say she from the hood but she live inside in the valley now
Vaca’d in Atlanta, then she goin’ back to Cali, mmm
Got your girl on my line, world on my line
The irony, I fuck em at the same damn time
She eyeing me like a nigga don’t exist
Girl, I know you want this di–
Girl, I’m Kendrick Lamar
AKA Benz is to me just a car
That mean your friends-es need be up to par
See my standards are pampered by threesomes tomorrow, mmm
Kill em all dead bodies in the hallway
Don’t get involved, listen what the crystal ball say
Halle Berry, hallelujah
Holla back I’ll do ya, beast
“I can’t write worth a shit and have absolutely zero creativity so I talk about fucking women all the time.” – Kendrick Lamar
If you actually want to watch this shitfest then have at it.
So there you have it. I think the words speak for themselves. I’ll simply leave it at this. Below is one chorus…ONE…from Tupacs song All Eyez On Me. It blows every lyric ever written by ASAP Rockey, 2 Chainz, Drake & Kendrick Lamar combined together for the rest of their life OUT OF THE WATER. That tells you something.
I bet you got it twisted you don’t know who to trust
So many playa hating niggaz tryin to sound like us
Say they ready for the funk, but I don’t think they knowin
Straight to the depths of hell is where those cowards goin
Well are you still down nigga? Holla when you see me
And let these devils be sorry for the day they finally freed me
I got a caravan of niggaz every time we ride (every time we ride)
Hittin motherfuckers up when we pass by (when we pass by)
Until I die; live the life of a boss playa
Cause even when I’m high, fuck with me and get crossed later
The futures in my eyes, cause all I want is cash and thangs
A five-double-oh – Benz flauntin flashy rings, uhh
Bitches pursue me like a dream
Been know to disappear before your eyes just like a dope fiend
It seems – my main thang was to be major paid
The game sharper than a motherfuckin razor blade
Say money bring bitches, bitches bring lies
One nigga’s gettin jealous, and motherfuckers died
Depend on me like the first and fifteenth
They might hold me for a second, but these punks won’t get me
We got foe niggaz, and lowriders, in ski masks
screamin Thug Life every time they pass {All Eyez On Me}
Pie Town, NM – Franchise opportunity possibilities are available for interested and motivated persons.
Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation wants to soon open a store in your neighborhood.
The PPSFOC is looking for pie-loving people to partner for profit.
All pies are sold for their trade-marked price of $3.14159, plus tax.
To keep costs down, most of the help is done by pie-loving “volunteers” who offer their time and efforts (until they find out they’re not getting paid).
Due to the low price point, tips are accepted and even encouraged, much appreciated and almost mandatory.
At all of the franchised Professional Pie Shoppes, the types of pies that are available for sale make the full alphabetical circle, from A to Z:
Apple Ala Mode Pie Blueberry Best Pie Cherry Sex Pie Dorm Party Pie Enchilada Mexi-Pie Fruitcake Fun Pie Green Goblin Key Lime Pie Huckleberry Finn Pie Iguana Wanna Eat Pie Jack Horner Little Pie Kiwi Klondike Krazy Pie Lemon Bon Bon Pie Muggle Mud Pie Nutritional High Pie Oprah Chocolate Pie Personal Pecan Pie Quince Jellystone Pie Red Rum Spicy Pie Sam Shepard Pie Turkish Coffee Pie Unicorn Horny Pie Very Vampire Pie Willy’s Wonka Pie Xtra Xcellent Pie Yucca Yam Pie Zebra Mussel Pie
If interested in starting your own clone of the original Professional Pie Shoppe, simply leave a comment to this post, or google the “Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation”. Once you’ve somehow made contact with the corporate offices, ask for Carla and tell her you want to “partner for profit”.
In Fargo, tunnels just make a heck of a lot of sense.
Fargo, ND – In a last-ditch effort to save downtown Fargo, smart city planners are planning a federally-funded feasibility study to investigate the likely possibility of connecting struggling downtown Fargo to the ever-popular West Acres area through a complicated system of underground tunnels.
These tunnels would be both walkable and drivable and also include a drive-thru petting zoo along with a large underground drive-thru food court serving everything from tacos to lefse to zebra mussels.
Mitchal Graham, the city’s long-time Food Czar, is quite sure that the demand for lefse in this quirky northern area is perhaps maybe comparable to that of tacos, even on Taco Tuesdays. Mitch continues: “We also discovered a wonderful Russian recipe for zebra mussels, which now seem to be in plentiful supply locally.”
After multiple set-backs in their long-fought efforts to save the metro region from frequent 500-year floods, top city leaders say it’s time for a diversion to The Diversion.
Rather than continuing fruitless work to route Fargo-Moorhead’s flood-prone Red River around West Fargo’s nifty Sheyenne Diversion system, “We are going to have a little fun and try changing horses midstream”, says council-person Stone Chatman.
“All of a sudden, the boring FM flood diversion project has turned into a way more fun project that will finally connect the weird Downtown crowd with the more up-scale West Acres shoppers”, Stone explains.
When axed about the process that led to changing horses mid-stream, it was explained to our FMO website by a “real person” who wanted to remain under a total cloak of anonymity, that going through the whole slow process of having meetings and discussions that go off on long tangents, answering stupid questions from citizens who know nothing, and then finally voting a simple “yea” or “nay”, all sometimes leads to ultra-stupid solutions that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.
“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and just do something spontaneous that you know is right for the community”, our cloaked annonymous informant whispered.
As for the Zebra Mussel recipe, continue to follow this trust-worthy website for all the latest details about how you too can turn an aquatic nuisance species into a delectable dish fit for a president.
Queens, NY – One of the most recognizable and loved celebrities on television has been charged with a DUI and could face some serious consequences. Elmo is best known as one of the muppet superstars from the long-running children’s television series, Sesame Street. Unfortunately, he is also quickly becoming known for his questionable behavior off the set.
Recently, some eye-witnesses said that Elmo was swerving from side to side in his Mercedes-Benz all the way down Sesame Street. He allegedly side-swiped multiple cars and finally crashed into the garbage can of Oscar The Grouch, who was luckily not home at the time. According to the official police report, Elmo’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for muppets.
Elmo’s defense team is headed up by Kermit The Frog who told the press that Elmo categorically denies all of the charges. Kermit went on to say that Big Bird is to blame for daring Elmo to a popular drinking game called “Flip, Sip, or Strip!”. The game involves flipping a coin and while it’s in the air, calling heads or tails. If guessed correctly, the coin gets passed to the right. If incorrect, it gets passed to the left, and the player must either take off one article of clothing or drink a shot. Obviously, compared to the more diminutive Elmo, Big Bird would have a huge advantage when consuming alcohol, due to his much larger body mass.
Possible charges for the red muppet include community service, some stiff fines, and up to 6 months in a muppet jail which houses some of the most undesirable muppets from the New York/Queens area.
Elmo certainly has DUI troubles, but now also faces a public relations problem. Asked about how he feels regarding getting in trouble while being idolized by countless children, Elmo responded: “Elmo needs to look out for Elmo. It’s time all those kids grow up and learn about the real world.”
Back in late 2012, Elmo was again in the headlines for some “improper sexual conduct” with a Sesame Street staffer named Kevin Clash. This alleged relationship was never proven but did cause Mr. Clash to lose his job on Sesame Street.
James Barrie, an expert in celebrity downfalls, summed it up this way: “Life is a long lesson in humility. Hopefully, Mr. Elmo will learn his lesson, unlike the chronically problematic Lindsay Lohan.”
