North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

1 Reply
Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:

395139528_df2f2d3f0e_m

  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather Events

Leave a reply

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather EventsA number of factors come into play when a school is deciding whether or not to close their doors due to weather events.

 

Below are some of the obvious factors:

 

– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went.  No school for you.

– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off.  Remember it has to be at least two children.

– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!

– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.

– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on.  Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.

-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.

-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.

-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.

-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.

-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.

-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.

 

 

In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

Leave a reply
We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.

LEAKED: Jim Harbaugh text message conversation with John Harbaugh!

Leave a reply

As i’m sure everyone is aware, the two head coaching brothers John and Jim Harbaugh will be leading their respective teams against each other in the Super Bowl this February 3rd. They have been a competitive pair of siblings ever since their childhood days and judging from past performance, their blood runs hot with the desire to win.

As reported by CBS Baltimore, the two brothers have been exchanging only text messages prior to the big game. Upon hearing this news, I became unnaturally curious as to what was being said so I did what any aggressively curious person would: I decided to magically obtain a hacked text message conversation between the two brothers. The following is a transcript of Jim texting on the right (green) with John replying on the left (grey):

Xv9AlLBoUXdK10-OJHvLN7Sl-dqe7-C77URmcKGLolU

FK3g3Nxu-GqQA0SNXTAsOVG76Q4iSJasAbuZfLVrVAY

 

It would appear we have quite the sibling rivalry on our hands here! What better way to finally prove who is the better brother than beating him in the Super Bowl. This rivalry is sure to escalate over the coming days as the Har-Bowl gets closer. We will keep you updated.

Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$

Leave a reply
DOLLAR1px1

Dr. Finance knows money!

(Ask your financial questions in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer!)

Mrs. Blanch Gladstone asks: Our home is worth less than what we owe on it. What can we do?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Blanch, this is a very timely question that affects many Americans today, as well as numerous illegal aliens. You have what we call an upside-down home loan mortgage resulting in negative equity.

When you owe more than your home is worth, you could either decrease the amount you owe on it, or do things to increase the value of your property. Since it’s difficult to decrease the amount you owe, and because refinancing is probably not an option, let’s look at some things to increase the property’s value:

  1. Add a bathroom or two and possibly some granite countertops
  2. Push to have a new school built in your neighborhood by attending local school board meetings
  3. Paint your home a wild color and creatively market the house as being “haunted”
  4. Since you’re trying to stay “afloat” with your “underwater” mortgage, you might want to add a swimming pool!

Otherwise, you might want to:

  1. Sell your place at its appraised value and “owe the lender” the difference
  2. Just walk away and change your name
  3. Allow a foreclosure and hope for the best
  4. Declare bankruptcy and hope for less than the worst
  5. Try to sell at the highest possible price point by having an on-line auction via eBay
  6. Start a church (like I did) and gain some nice non-profit tax benefits, plus the weekly cash-flow from the offering plates
  7. Sell raffle tickets for some lucky person to win your house, (and whether or not you actually pick a “winner” is totally up to you)
  8. Increase your monthly cash-flow by either turning your garage into a multi-person bed & breakfast, or get a part-time job as a fast-food sales representative.

Now Blanch, if all else fails, try writing a long letter to our friends at the Federal Government and hope like hell that they give you some basic assistance through the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). However, the chances of this happening are slim to none if you voted Republican in any of the recent elections.

If I may close with a famous quotation from the venerable Franz Kafka: “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

(Feel free to ask any financial questions that you may have in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer.)

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Hundreds of Cars Said, “FUCK THIS SHIT” This Morning Leaving People With No Transportation

1 Reply

Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.

Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week.  We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today.  Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope.  Still going to be cold as fuck.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough.  Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.

Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.

“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’  It then just stopped working.  I had to call a tow driver.”

“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work.  Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’  It still doesn’t start.  I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”

Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold!  Go back to fucking bed!”

We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here.  If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.

 

Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine

Leave a reply
Bad Dream Liner

Bad Dream Liner

Except for a few minor glitches, the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner could be the most ultra-modern and problem-free passenger airplane ever assembled by union hands.

The limited list of petty problems that have popped up so far includes:

  1. electrical problems due to faulty wiring
  2. oil leaks from the engines
  3. parts breaking off in the engines
  4. faulty fuel lines causing in-flight fuel leaks
  5. exploding batteries
  6. brake problems
  7. cracking cockpit windows
  8. occasional appearance of “smoke” in the cockpit

Other than those trifles, the new Dreamliner is pretty much a problem-free dream machine.

Unfortunately, some naysayers are contending that “bad dream” is a bit closer to the actual truth.

But Boeing is quite confident that any and all of these so-called “snags” will quickly be put to rest so that passengers can rest easy on this new dream plane which has aptly been called the Dreamliner.

Storm Gandolf Fargo North Dakota

Bill Burns Defends Fargo From Storm Gandolf. His Story.

Leave a reply

Storm Gandolf Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse.  Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action.  I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf.  That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.

Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself.  I was five hours in now.  Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold.  Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise.  To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water.  Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.

Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me.  “Gandolf!  Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment.  “Show yourself!” I screamed.

At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me.  I remember them well and they haunt me to this day.  This ‘snow wave’ was a penis.  It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.

Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening.  The penis tip if you will.  At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.

I knew it was a success.  I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.

So there you have it.  You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.

 

Local cops prepared in case Obama takes guns

Leave a reply
Domination

Domination

Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.

Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.

Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:

“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”

Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:

“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”

Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:

“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”

Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.

Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married

Leave a reply
Gay Love Donkeys

Gay Love Donkeys

Fargo, ND – A couple of gay Love Donkeys will soon “tie the knot” at the local zoo. It’s believed to be the first known pair of gay Love Donkeys in captivity to be married within the confines of a zoo-type environment.

Rev. Matt Tramoni, the zoo pastor, says he believes we’ll be seeing more and more of this type of thing. “Now that gay marriage amongst zoo animals has been legalized under a new federal law, I believe this could be just the tip of the iceberg”, says Pastor Matt.

The zoo trainer admits that the donkeys, Carlton and Cortez, have been life-mates ever since they moved to this zoo. “Even though they couldn’t make it official up until now”, explains Julie Whitebear, “these two have been a paragon of matrimony in all facets of their beautiful donkeyed relationship.”

Apparently, they’re planning on having a private ceremony in the zoo chapel. However, a public reception is being planned for the Spring. Carlton and Cortez are registered at all the top shops. They particularly like sweet snacks and colorful clothing.