Tag Archives: sports

‘Noble Sheet’ Newsletter To Keep Everyone Updated, Connected, And In The Loop

Everyone is signing up for the new Noble Sheet Newsletter: The new way to stay connected!

Fargo, ND – Sign up now for the hottest monthly newsletter to hit the region since the Pony Express.

The new Noble Sheet Newsletter will freely be available to everyone for a nominal fee of $120 per year.

Not only will everyone want to sign up for this newsletter, but it may also be mandatory.

The Noble Sheet Company has as its goal to keep everyone in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area up to date on what’s happening along with all the extra information you would expect from a Noble Sheet Newsletter.

Plus, you’re invited to submit content to share with the community.

Things you can expect to find in the monthly Noble Sheet Newsletter include: events, reminders, tips, recipes, scams, news about your friends, who’s in jail, accurate future sports score predictions, and important things that directly affect you.

Unlike other area publications, one additional thing you will pleasantly notice about the Noble Sheet Newsletter: No-Bull Shit!

Many Wondering How Curling Can Be Considered An Olympic Sport?

Since curling is basically shuffleboard on ice, it is more of a game than a sport.

Game Lodge, SD Many are seriously questioning how Curling became an Olympic “sport” and why it still remains one?

Compared to anything done on skis or skates, it seems that Curling is more in the category of playing Shuffleboard, Bocce Ball, and Cornholio (aka Bean Bags).

Jack Flushing, president of Poker America, believes that if Curling is considered an Olympic “sport”, then so too should Poker also be an Olympic sport.

How do you feel about Curling as as Olympic “sport”?

Do you think it is on the same level as Cross Country Skiing and Downhill Racing?

Does it make sense to you that some Olympic “athletes” can win medals for madly sweeping ice with a broom?

Would you be willing to carry a sign in an anti-Curling protest march?

Vikings Place Sam Bradford On Injured Reserve And Activate Debra Getty-Widder

Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!

Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.

Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.

Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position


Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

National Football League: NFC NORTH PREVIEW

VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.




PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.






BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.



LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.

Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.

Minnesota Twins preview: Ron Gardenhire promises 2014 season

RonFort Myers, FL – With Major League Baseball spring training officially underway in Fort Myers, media people went belly up to the podium for a little preseason insight from Minnesota Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire.

Gardy, candid as always, indicated that the squad probably won’t deviate from last year’s ways and that he expects another performance in 2014.

Taken from an amusing February 27th press conference:

Reporter 1: What are your expectations for this year’s squad, performance-wise?

Gardy: Performance wise…sounds like a tire model. Goodyear PerformanceWise (laughs). You know, we’ll play our butts off at Target but those long, arduous road trips really take a lot out of you. Our guys will suit up, hit balls, catch and throw ’em. That’s about the long and the short of it.

Reporter 2: Ron, how is (Joe) Mauer transitioning to his new full-time role at first base?

Gardy: Morneau is swinging a lead bat. Looks like he’s put on a little bit of weight, but I could be wrong. I think he’s waiting for the All-Star break.

Reporter 2: Excuse me, Morneau? Surely you meant to say Mauer…

Gardy: What? What did I say? Morneau, Mauer…um…ha ha. I guess we traded Morneau last year, so you’ll have to ask his new team that question. I’m Ron Gardenhire.

Reporter 3: Any news on the starting pitching rotation? How close are we to finding our ace?

Gardy: Our ace? Ah…. (long pause) you know what? We traded Spansy (Denard Span) for a triple-A guy a couple years back. Maybe him. Is Liriano still hurt? Pretty sure Pavano retired… uh…that’s a toughie. Better ask Rick (pitching coach Rick Anderson) that one.

Reporter 3: Has the acquisition of Phil Hughes significantly bolstered your starting rotation?

Gardy: Phil is a drinker, so he knows how to unwind after getting pummeled on the mound. He’ll be ok, unless he slips and falls on his bum-bum.

Reporter 4: Ron, has the team chosen a closing pitcher to come out of the bullpen?

Gardy: Nope.

Reporter 4: No?

Gardy: Nope. We got a ton of bullpen guys. We like to mix it up to throw the other team off. If one guy emerges as a decent closer, he’ll probably keep the job….but better ask Rick to be sure. 

Reporter 5: You’re about to achieve win # 1,000 this year. What does that mean to you?

Gardy: Is that right? Minnesota: Land of 1,000 wins, ha ha. Ah I dunno. It feels good to watch our guys play, and when you get a W out of it, feels even better as you lay down at night for sleepin’. Ok, one more question then I have to go get my noggin fitted for hats.

Reporter 6: Does your contract extension put the team’s 2014 performance under heavier scrutiny?

Gardy: Contracts are just paper. That’s all they are. Paper is made from trees grown in Africa somewhere and then the contract is printed on there. Probably gets scanned into a computer after I sign it, you know, so they don’t lose it. I don’t know much about computers, so…

Christian Ponder Was The 12th Overall Pick In The 2011 Draft

Christian-Ponder-at-KFANA little over two years ago, the Purple saw what they thought was a precious jewel. An opportunity to fill a need. After many MONTHS of scouting that included team workouts, the NFL Combine, player interviews, relentless film study, research and preparation—amidst eligible QB draftees such as Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick—the Vikings selected Christian Ponder as the 12th overall pick in the 2011 NFL draft.

The rest is history…

The Vikings really struggle on 3rd down.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

“This team is absolutely loaded with talent on both sides of the ball.” “…except at quarterback.”

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

There hasn’t been a Super Bowl-winning “game manager” since Brad Johnson won it behind a legendary defense ten years ago. Things are different now.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

You know how your box of Lucky Charms always has that one really burnt-up piece of cereal amongst a box full of tasty goodness?

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Since when has a bruised elbow kept a QB out of a freaking playoff game??

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

During 3rd downs our QB prances around back there like Michael Flatley with his ass on fire only before heaving it straight up in the air.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

For some reason a former Pro-Bowl QB (yet only slightly more talented) was brought in exclusively as a backup.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

It’s not against the rules to hike the ball directly to Adrian Peterson on every play.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Numbers don’t lie: #7 had a quarterback rating of 81 (not good) in 2012 and is 1-2 with an INT so far this year.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

It will be at least another decade before Aaron Rodgers suits up in a Purple jersey.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

An NFL QB’s 3rd season in the league is when we start to expect big things from him, because:

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Remember last year when the Vikings benched Ponder in favor of a broomstick???

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Get better CP, for the betterment of not only the Vikings, but of the league as a whole. Enjoy the season!

Tim Tebow Excited To Do Absolutely Nothing For New England

"Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3...ready??"

“Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3…ready??”

Boston, MA—We were just sitting there enjoying a Tebow-free NFL offseason when suddenly the New England Patriots signed the Chosen One to a two-year contract. Damn it. Tim Tebow was plucked from relative obscurity by Bill Belichick and Co. for reasons that have yet to be determined, and nobody could be more excited by this news than Tim.

“I’m excited. The good lord giveth and the good lord taketh away, but this time he giveth to me hard.” Tebow said. Never before has a player meant so much more off the field than he does on it.

The Patriots coaching staff was more or less OK with adding the Could-be Kid to the fold. When asked about how he envisioned Tebow fitting into the gameplan, Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels made his intentions very unclear:

“We are happy about Tim’s attitude and his physical ability. Ever since draft day I’ve watched him develop into kind-of something but not really so we’re excited about that. Sort of. Bottom line is he’s a football player and under contract with our team, so you do the math.”

The team is expected to use Tebow extensively—just not in the way a team normally uses a football player. We anticipate seeing Tebow on camera a lot during the upcoming NFL season. He will be shown in the locker room, on the sideline and at the podium chatting it up with the media. It’s like Morgan Freeman always says, “You either get busy talkin’, or get busy dyin’.”

Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins Name Change Contest

redskinsPX1Washington, DC – Well, it looks like the home of Political Correctness is about to get a dose of its own medicine.

The name Washington Redskins, which goes back to 1937, has now become the latest target of easily-offended language censors. What was just another famous name of a loved professional sports team has now become derogatory and racist, according to some D.C. Council members.

If the name is going to be changed, some fans are advocating keeping the “Red” and changing the “Skins”. Some of the top choices in this group are, the Washington: RedNecks, Red Meats, Red Hots, Red Eyes, Red Peppers, Red Wines, and Red Apples.

For those who would rather see the “Red” changed and keep the “Skins”, the Washington: Pigskins, Sheepskins, Buckskins, Foreskins, Coonskins and Deerskins.

Finally, there is a third group wanting the new name to still begin with “Red” and have the word “Skins”, such as the: Washington Red Skinheads, or Washington Red Potato Skins.

D.C. Council member David Grosso would love to hear from you on this issue. Feel free to call him at 202-724-8105, or you can email him at dgrosso@dccouncil.us

You can also contact either:

Muriel Bowser at 202-724-8052 (mbowser@dccouncil.us) or

Kenyan McDuffie at 202-724-8028 (kmcduffie@dccouncil.us)

who are both totally down with David’s idea of making a name change.

Let any of these fine public servants know which name you would favor as the new politically correct name for the offensive Washington Redskins. If the name you vote for is picked, you may qualify to win season tickets to see the Washington Rednecks, or perhaps the Washington Coonskins!

North Dakota State University Bison

Whole Lot of Boner At The Summit League Women’s Golf Championship

North Dakota State University BisonKELLER, Texas  – The first round of the Summit League women’s championship took place on Monday.

North Dakota State University had four golfers finish in the top ten.  Senior Amy Anderson and freshman Hailey Boner are tied for second place.  They both managed to shoot a 76.

Currently there is a three-way tie for second place with Anderson and Boner while Knutson is part of a three-way tie for fifth place.

Women’s second round play is scheduled to begin at 8 a.m. Tuesday, April 23, and the final round is slated for a 10:15 a.m. start Wednesday, April 24.

Expect to see Boner awake and ready for action bright and early Tuesday morning.  I would expect to see an even more erect and pumped Boner during the final round Wednesday, April 24th.

Boner has nothing to lose.  Boner must get the swing down if she is going to impress her competitors.  Boner should expect to put fear into her opponents by the power and accuracy of her swing.

If Boner’s swing is strong and accurate, it may just intimidate her opponents enough to forfeit.  If Boner is tired and feeling limpy then it may be a long day of golf as her competitors look to pull ahead of her.

If Boner is looking to win, Boner must not forget to wash her balls.  Boner does not want her balls dirty if she is to put them in multiple holes throughout the competition.

We are really rooting for Boner and we wish her the best.  Keep that swing strong Boner!