Tag Archives: nfl

NFL Pickem Calculator Is Amazingly Accurate

This new calculator can pick the winners of NFL football games with amazing accuracy.

Pick City, ND – If you’re in an NFL pickem league and want a leg up on your fellow pickem pickers, the new Ronco Pickem Calculator is for you!

Simply pick it up, turn it on, enter a few basic parameters about any upcoming game in question, and the Ronco Pickem Calculator will give you its best guess, which has been scientifically proven to be incredibly correct.

Dr. Dumpster Johnstone has been using the Ronco Pickem Calculator for his workplace pickem pool: “I love this fricking calculator because I’m in First Place all by my lonesome!”

Ms. Camille Clampton says: “I would truly be lost (and losing) if someone somehow took this amazing tool away from me, so please don’t even think about it!”

If you need some serious help in your football pickem pool, get yourself a new Ronco Pickem Calculator wherever Ronco products are sold.

Or better yet, just ask your Secret Santa to get one for you!

Vikings Place Sam Bradford On Injured Reserve And Activate Debra Getty-Widder

Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!

Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.

Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.

Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!

Peyton Manning Announces Formation Of Senior Football League

Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League)

Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League) whose headquarters will be in Omaha

Denver, CO – During Peyton Manning’s formal announcement of retirement from the Denver Broncos, he used the opportunity to also discuss plans for his new Senior Football League.

Peyton Manning: “Even though this is the end of a football chapter for a man, it is also the beginning of a new football chapter for mankind.”

The two-time Super Bowl champion went on to say that he and Brett Favre have been kicking this idea around for some time and are now ready to kick it through the uprights.

“Many players who retire from the NFL don’t really want to stop playing football,” Manning points out.

“If they still want to compete and perhaps need to earn some extra money, the SFL will provide aging players (and cheerleaders) the opportunity to continue their football careers just like in the sports of golf, tennis, and Sumo wrestling.”

Jim Nantz Receives Sportscasters Guild Perseverance Award For Putting Up With Phil Simms

Consistently great during times of trial.

Consistently great during times of trial.

Los Angeles, CA – The Sportscasters Guild of America held its annual awards ceremony late yesterday. The highlight of the evening (and of every SGA awards show) was the handing out of the coveted Perseverance Award. This is given to the one sportscaster who demonstrates an impressive catalog of broadcast excellence in the face of adversity during the calendar year.

For putting up with Phil Simms twice a week for 10 consecutive NFL regular season telecasts, Jim Nantz was unanimously voted the 2015 recipient.

“Hello friends,” Nantz said as he accepted this prestigious honor, “Jim Nantz with you here on this fine Sunday evening. I’d like to dedicate this award to my partner Phil Simms who just a few hours ago made a handful of illustrated points using nothingspeak and uttered the phrase ‘Well, we talked about this Jeem’ repeatedly, ad nauseum. Couldn’t have done it without you, partner.”

2015 marks the 17th consecutive year Jim Nantz has received this award.

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning


One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”

Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL

Think Pink

Think Pink

Pink, Oklahoma – In case you didn’t receive the memo, all football fanatics are supposed to wear something pink every day to show their support for the NFL.

If you don’t have anything pink to wear, then just wash something white with something red.

Pink is the color of compassion, understanding, unconditional love, and the giving and receiving of nurturing.

These are some of the positive values with which the NFL is quickly trying to associate itself.

Coach Lovie Smith is a good example of someone who cares about people rather than just trying to win at any cost.

Lovie says: “Pink is intuitive and insightful, showing tenderness and kindness with empathy and sensitivity.”

Even tho the NFL can seem rather violent at times, it wants to highlight its other more caring side, which may often go overlooked. Many recent rule changes are trying to do more to protect players as well as their spouses or significant others from bodily harm.

Lovie says: “In color psychology, pink is a sign of hope. It is a positive color inspiring warm and comforting feelings, a sense that everything will be okay.”

The NFL hopes that its Think Pink Program will help improve its image throughout the land and get the focus back onto what is really important: Winning a Super Bowl and raking in all its associated advertisement revenue!

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position


Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

NFL to Allow Teams to Use 12 Offensive Players At A Time

American_Football_Positions2New York, NY—In an ongoing measure to protect the quarterback and reduce the amount of on-field concussions, the NFL is giving its offenses a huge advantage by allowing them to use 12 players as opposed to the defense’s 11.

The change, it seems, is meant to provide the QB with an extra blocker to make the pocket safer, but the new rule does not state that a team must deploy a lineman. “I hope–HOPE–that teams will utilize the 12th player as a 6th offensive lineman, but hey, i’m not in the locker room…i’m not in the huddle,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. This means teams can get creative by adding either an extra position player or simply letting movie badass Vin Diesel roam the field freely in an “enforcer” type of role.

This move serves as a way to give both fans and the league what they want: more Vin Diesel and less player health lawsuits. “Being hit with lawsuits sucks. Have you ever been hit with a lawsuit? That shit hurts,” remarked NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. “Big Government is going to send us to the hospital if the lawsuits keep collectively kicking our ass. Come on, man. We just want to give the fans football. And Vin Diesel.”

National Football League: NFC NORTH PREVIEW

VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.




PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.






BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.



LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.

Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.

BREAKING: Vikings Trade Away Six Draft Picks To Keep Adrian Peterson

Minneapolis, MN—I believe the old saying goes, “In with the new, in with the old.” That’s the mantra around Minnesota Vikings football team headquarters these days as newly-acquired head coach Mike Zimmer is employing some old tricks that long-time fans of the Purple have seen before.

As reported by Matt Drangle of the Minneapolis Sun-Times, the Vikings have traded away their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th-round 2014 draft picks for the rights to keep star running back Adrian Peterson. This leaves them with only 6th and 7th-round picks.

“When you’re carrying a loaded magnum with six bullets, what are you gonna do? NOT fire the gun?” quoted coach Zimmer. “We spoke to the league. They agreed that there’s nothing in the NFL Book of Bylaws that says you can’t have an NFL draft fire sale every 20 years or so. This will keep our offense on the right track and save us a ton of cap space by not having to ink a fleet of unproven rookies.”

Coach went on to explain that draft picks are just numbers, they’re not even players and that trading away numbers for an actual player was good strategy. Coach’s strategy is particularly baffling as the player in question is currently under contract. At press time it is not certain where the traded-away draft picks will end up, but it sounds likely that they will be donated to a local non-profit organization.

Not since 1989 have the Purple traded away a heavy handful of draft picks for a mega-talent. It appears coach Zimmer abides by another old saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

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