Tag Archives: gambling

Russian Roulette Club (Once Again) Seeking One New Member

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Chances are nothing bad will happen.

Moscow, Idaho – A Russian Roulette Club is actively seeking one new member to fill the vacant seat of a former member who suffered a mishap.

“In any game of chance you have your ups and downs, and unfortunately for our previous club member, he experienced one of the downs,” says this Russian Roulette Club’s president Sonny Moua.

Sonny continues: “Bad things periodically happen but at this point, we just pick up the pieces and move on. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

If you’re looking for a fun time, and want to hang out with people who like to live on the edge, perhaps consider joining a Russian Roulette Club.

Just by chance, all the letters in Sonny Moua can be spun around to spell: Anonymous!

Kentucky Derby To Be Re-Raced For First Time In Its History

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The muddiest two minutes in sports were then followed by the muddiest 22 minutes in horse racing!

Louisville, KY – For the first time ever in its 145 year history, the Kentucky Derby will be re-run.

This unprecedented re-running of the Race For The Roses is due to a very controversial finish which resulted in the second biggest long shot ever to win the race, and which many consider a total fluke.

Maximum Security got called for interfering with War Of Will which breaks the racing Code Of Honor and which led to a Maximum Security disqualification which resulted in the Game Winner being 65-1 long shot Country House who was the Improbable horse to take home the roses.

But hold your horses! After much post-race day debate, the Kentucky Derby will be run again to see who the real winner is!

NFL Pickem Calculator Is Amazingly Accurate

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This new calculator can pick the winners of NFL football games with amazing accuracy.

Pick City, ND – If you’re in an NFL pickem league and want a leg up on your fellow pickem pickers, the new Ronco Pickem Calculator is for you!

Simply pick it up, turn it on, enter a few basic parameters about any upcoming game in question, and the Ronco Pickem Calculator will give you its best guess, which has been scientifically proven to be incredibly correct.

Dr. Dumpster Johnstone has been using the Ronco Pickem Calculator for his workplace pickem pool: “I love this fricking calculator because I’m in First Place all by my lonesome!”

Ms. Camille Clampton says: “I would truly be lost (and losing) if someone somehow took this amazing tool away from me, so please don’t even think about it!”

If you need some serious help in your football pickem pool, get yourself a new Ronco Pickem Calculator wherever Ronco products are sold.

Or better yet, just ask your Secret Santa to get one for you!

Dr. Finance: Should I Buy Some Lottery Tickets For The Mega Jackpot?

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When the lottery jackpot gets up to a billion dollars, Dr. Finance says it’s time to go All IN.

Jackpot, Nevada – Dear Dr. Finance: You’ve previously stated that gambling is a tax on the stupid. But would you say it’s OK to buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets up over a billion dollars? Thanks, Zephania Winther

Dear Zephania: Buying lottery tickets normally is something I would not recommend. Since the odds are so against you, any sort of gambling is definitely a tax on the stupid.

However, when the jackpots reach ridiculous levels, such as the Mega-Millions lottery game, it then becomes time to go all-in.

At this juncture, I would strongly recommend that you buy as many Mega-Millions lottery tickets as you can comfortably afford.

I myself am using the equity in my home to purchase as many tickets as I can between now and the time of the next drawing.

The chance to win a giant jackpot of $1.6 Billion rarely comes along, so, to answer your question: I would say it’s more than OK to give it a shot because someone has to eventually win it and it might just be you!

To be super proactive, you may want to have the phone numbers of a good accountant and attorney near by.

Cat Racing Coming To Fargo

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Come see the cat races in Fargo while drinking some beer and winning some money!

Fargo, ND – The exciting sport of Cat Racing will soon be coming to Fargo!

“Have some fun while betting on your favorite cat and get drunk at the same time. It just doesn’t get any better than that,” says Carcia Fortgang who is the executive director of the Fargo Cat Race Corporation.

Cat Racing as a sport was popularized in some Third World countries and then made its way to some Second World countries from whence it is now making the jump to some welcoming cities in the USA.

Carcia Fortgang believes that “Fargo, North Dakota is the perfect place for Cat Racing to gain acceptance as a mainstream sport because it is just so doggone exciting!”

Ironically, all of the letters in Carcia Fortgang can be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Cat Racing!

Playing Slot Machines Good For Health

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Each hour spent playing slot machines doubles-down the health benefits.

Jackpot, Nevada – A new comprehensive study by casinos shows that there are numerous health benefits associated with playing slot machines.

Essentially, the more time spent playing slot machines, the healthier (and sometimes wealthier) you become.

Doctor Simon Cleath who conducted the study for the casino industry says the results were somewhat surprising.

“We knew that playing slot machines was good for your health but just did not know to what extent,” Simon says.

Documentation shows that everything from blood pressure, to heart health, to cholesterol, to stress and nervous tension show marked improvements when comparing slot machine players to people in placebo groups such as prisoners, nurses, construction workers, and deployed marines.

So, if you were contemplating hitting the local casino today but were thinking maybe you should go for a nice long walk instead, “pack your bags and gamble all night at the casino, if you want to have fun, win lots of money, and get super healthy at the same time,” Simon says.

Ironically, all the letters in “Simon Cleath” can be re-arranged to spell: Slot Machine.

Fargo Homeless Man Amasses Fortune From Penny Trays

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or, just take all of them when no one is looking.

…or, just take them all when no one’s looking!

Fargo, ND – A homeless man who has been calling Fargo home for the past few years shared his amazing story with the FM Observer recently.

Jevon Varley once took a few pennies from the penny tray at a convenience store check-out counter and put them in his pocket.

He continued to gather and collect pennies, nickels, dimes, and sometimes quarters out of the penny trays from many different places in the area over a period of years.

As a former numismatist, he also knew that some coins were worth much more than their face value.

Mr. Varley stored his coins in coffee cans and when full, would hide or bury them in various places throughout the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At one point, Jevon realized he had gradually amassed quite a respectable sum of money. The total came to just over $98,000!

Unfortunately, in the end, Mr. Varley then took a cab to a local casino and lost it all playing high-stakes poker within a matter of a few hours.

Moral of the story: A penny saved is money earned unless it’s gambled, then it’s burned.

Vegas Casinos Ridding Roulette Of Number 23

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Roulette Wheel #23 is the most often hit number.

Roulette’s #23 is the most often hit number.

Las Vegas, NV – Most of the casinos in Las Vegas will soon be removing the number 23 from their Roulette wheels.

Enough people have finally figured out that 23 is the luckiest Roulette number, which is now starting to cause a problem for casinos that offer the game.

Roulette pit boss Lester Morton has been running the Roulette wheel for years and says: “Yeah, there seems to be something special about the number 23, especially around any full moon. The Roulette ball more often than not finds its way to that 23 slot. That’s why Michael Jordan chose that number for his basketball jersey. He knew that 23 was a lucky number.”

If you happen to be at a Las Vegas casino that still offers the 23, and it’s close to a full moon, you might want to give it a try. But don’t mention that you heard it here. In fact, we will soon be removing this post from the FM Observer website.

FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park

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“Where The Horses Graze” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – In a singular Herculean effort to raise money for the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park which has been hounded by special assessment fees and unpaid property taxes, the FM Observer has decided to donate a million dollar painting created by our very own Amsterdam Douglass in order to: 1. Help raise awareness of the financial problems that Fargo’s Horse Park has been having since its inception, and 2. To kick start a Fund Razor which would help raise funds to help kick start another subsequent Official Fund Razor which will be called Just Hold Your Horses.

Naturally, the first Fund Razor will be called The FM Observer To The Rescue To Help Save The Struggling North Dakota Horse Park In Fargo Fund Razor.

Most of the money raised in this initial Fund Razor would go toward: 1. Getting Fund Razor #2 off the ground, and 2. Trying to reach the ultimate goal of getting the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park in Fargo 1. Out of the doldrums, and 2. Back on track toward providing clean family fun where youngsters of all ages can learn the joy of betting on horse races, in order to prepare themselves for a lifetime of profitable gambling enjoyment.

If you would like to Meet & Greet the soon-to-be-famous Amsterdam Douglass and ask him questions about his million dollar painting, which is being donated to Fund Razor #1, simply show up, down by the Red River, under the Main Avenue bridge (which connects Fargo to Moorhead), about an hour after sunset, on any Friday night.

Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies

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Black Jack is way more fun that math!

Black Jack is way more fun than math!

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Education Association (NDEA) has decided to officially drop math from the state’s teaching curriculum. The teaching of boring, traditional math will be replaced by super-fun, instructional classes in the card game Black Jack.

Mr. Tom Collins, who heads up the Curriculum Committee, says that with all the calculators and smart phones present in today’s world, the teaching of math is obsolete and a complete waste of time. “Kids have long hated math class and all the tedious homework that goes with it. But, learning Black Jack is something everyone can get excited about!”

Black Jack will begin replacing math all across North Dakota starting in the Fall of 2013 in grades 6-12. Mr. Collins feels this move is further justified because lots of “hidden math” will still be apart of the new Blackjack studies.

Harley Marks, a long-time math teacher says kids will for sure be able to count to 21. Plus, in the new Black Jack Studies Curriculum, all the advanced trainings will be included, such as: Doubling Down, Card Splitting, Chasing After Lost Money, and Quitting When You’re Ahead. Harley says: “These are all real-life lessons that will benefit these kids for the rest of their lives.”

Some real Black Jack dealers will be brought in for Black Jack “tournaments” as well as having selected upper classmen doing some of the dealing. As a high school student who wanted to become a Black Jack dealer, Justin Minix says he’s very excited about dealing live Black Jack while in high school. “I’m really stoked about this, man” says Justin.

In some of the lower grades, kids will begin learning the basics of “card counting” while also being able to watch a plethora of movies involving gambling and Black Jack, such as: Rain Man, Casino, and 21.

Mr. Tom Collins of the NDEA says he knows certain parents might initially not like dropping math studies and replacing it with Black Jack, but he believes everyone will eventually find this to be a Win-Win scenario…unless you lose.