Tag Archives: guns

Russian Roulette Club (Once Again) Seeking One New Member

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Chances are nothing bad will happen.

Moscow, Idaho – A Russian Roulette Club is actively seeking one new member to fill the vacant seat of a former member who suffered a mishap.

“In any game of chance you have your ups and downs, and unfortunately for our previous club member, he experienced one of the downs,” says this Russian Roulette Club’s president Sonny Moua.

Sonny continues: “Bad things periodically happen but at this point, we just pick up the pieces and move on. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

If you’re looking for a fun time, and want to hang out with people who like to live on the edge, perhaps consider joining a Russian Roulette Club.

Just by chance, all the letters in Sonny Moua can be spun around to spell: Anonymous!

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

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You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.

Doctors Believe If You Can Live Long Enough You Might Be Able To Live Forever

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Live long enough to live forever.

Stanford, CA – Would you like to live forever? What if you had the option of not aging?

Medical researchers now think that if you can live another 30–50 years, you might be able to live as long as you want without ever growing old.

Recent exciting advances in the two areas of Telomere Extension and Genomic Editing are coming together to suggest that the aging process may be able to be controlled enough to never die.

However, once we reach that point, you will still have to worry about getting shot by a person who should not have a gun, and also the more likely scenario of getting hit by a distracted driver.

Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

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This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Volunteers Needed To Test New Bullet-Proof Jackets

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If you volunteer to test a jacket, and everything “goes well”, you get to keep the jacket for free!

West Fargo, ND – Security Test Labs is seeking more volunteers to help test out some new bullet proof jackets poised to soon hit the market.

Volunteers will be compensated for their time and trouble but must first sign a disclaimer form prior to any testing sessions.

The disclaimer states that Security Test Labs is not responsible for any testing sessions that do not go well.

Now to the exciting part!

Here are the guns that will be used to test these new bullet-proof jackets:

The Sig Spartan Molon Labe 1911, the Ruger Blackhawk and Redhawk, the Glock 22, the Colt Python, and the Kimber Warrior.

As the picture caption indicates, anyone who wears a test jacket and survives being shot at by each of the aforementioned six guns, will be invited to keep the jacket at no cost to you. Consider it a gift from Security Test Labs.

Successful volunteers will also receive a free gift basket which includes: a free $100 gift card to IHOP, a free lifetime subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and of course, a free bottle of Xanax.

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

School Board to Implement School Shooting Drills

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Bert2In the wake of what has been the 74th school shooting since the Newtown massacre, school districts are taking a proactive steps to better prepare their kids for the sort of danger that could potentially take place within their walls.

Tornado drills and fire drills have been the norm for decades. Now, with mass shootings occurring on an ongoing basis, “shooting drills” are being implemented. The proliferation of public-area gun violence has left administrators with no other choice but to help brace their kids for a sudden act of deadly force.

School superintendent Ertson McFluck explains the Board’s preventive measure. “Tornado drills have us ducking and covering. Fire drills have us exiting the building. Shooting drills will probably see teachers hang a ‘NO KIDS HERE’ sign on the classroom doorknob or some stupid thing. We’re not sure yet. There’s really nowhere safe to go if a mad gunman enters. These buildings weren’t engineered with frickin panic rooms. Locking a classroom door is a fool’s effort–an armed murderer would easily blast his way through. It’s absurd that it’s come to this, but our children and faculty need to be at least somewhat prepared.”

The Board seems fully aware of the nation’s school shooting epidemic and is moving as quickly as possible towards a reasonable course of preventive action.

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

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We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.