Tag Archives: xanax

Xanax Fest Expected To Attract Tranquil Crowd

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Rather sedate attendees expected to attend West Fargo’s new Xanax Fest

West Fargo, ND – A new festival coming to the Red River Valley should appeal to anyone who enjoys a more sedate lifestyle.

Xanax Fest was the brain child of Nira Vam and her super laid-back boyfriend UpJohn.

Mellow music from the relaxing band Alpra Zolam will calm the already placid audience.

“We believe that Xanax Fest will be a serene and restful happening,” says Nira Vam, who hopes this will be the first of many Xanax Fests.

Paranoia counselors from the Pfizer Corporation will be on hand (in curtained privacy tents) for anyone feeling the paranoid side effects from too much Xanax fun.

Moorhead Man Who Was Attacked By A Mourning Dove Is Expected To Survive

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This bad boy allegedly attacked a Moorhead man for no good reason.

Moorhead, MN – Mr. Nevin Goodrum, who was peacefully sitting in his backyard, decided to call to the mourning dove that was sitting up in his tree by blowing into his cupped hands.

After a few near-perfect calls, Mr. Goodrum was viciously attacked by the mourning dove who must’ve taken Nevin’s calls as total disrespect.

Seeing her husband all pecked down and bloodied up by the mourning dove, Mrs. Goodrum called 9-1-1 and explained the situation.

As you can imagine, Nevin Goodrum ain’t going to be calling to his neighborhood mourning doves any more, any time soon.

Just the sound of a mourning dove is now enough to send Mr. Goodrum to the Xanax drawer in an effort to calm Nevin’s frayed nerves.

Mourningly, all the letters in Nevin Goodrum can be pecked around to spell: Mourning Dove!

‘Smiling Depression’ Is Now Considered A Disease Treatable With Drugs

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People that smile a lot need help.

​Death Valley, CA – Did you know that smiling is almost a sure sign of depression?

“Smiling Depression” is something you’ll want to start watching for amongst your family, friends, and co-workers.

People who chronically smile are most likely masking deep and severe depression.

Depressionologists are advising that if you suspect someone of having Smiling Depression, get them to a Certifiable Counselor as quickly as possible.

If you are not depressed and don’t want outside observers to think you are, don’t be doing a lot of smiling.

Conversely, if you are experiencing some major depression and want to hide it, resist the temptation to smile a lot in order to mask it.

New Fargo Bar/Lounge Called ‘The Peachflame’ To Exclusively Cater To Weird People

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Calling all weird-ohs: Welcome to The Peachflame!

Downtown Fargo, ND – A 52nd liquor license has been granted for Downtown Fargo.

Proprietor Elwood Wierschem is planning on opening The Peachflame which will specifically cater to bona fide weird-ohs.

Mr. Wierschem in his own words: “If you’re truly a weird-oh in any sense of the word, then you are welcome at The Peachflame.“

“And believe you me, you will feel very comfortable sipping your weird drinks amongst all the other weird-ohs who tend to congregate in the Downtown Fargo area.”

Weirdly, all the letters in Elwood Wierschem can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Weird Ohs Welcome!

‘The Fargo Syndrome’ Beginning To Affect Many Fargoans

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Suffering from the Fargo Syndrome can cause suffering from the Fargo Syndrome.

Fargo, ND – Many clinics have begun reporting cases of people suffering from the effects of The Fargo Syndrome.

Doctors say it is comes from a fermenting combination of: the long cold winter, a lack of sun and warm fresh air, a depressing sense that you’re living out in the middle of nowhere, and how terribly the Minnesota Vikings season ended.

If you think you might be starting to feel the toxic effects of The Fargo Syndrome, either turn on all your lights, call a friend, go shopping, book a flight to Cancun, or try taking another Xanax.

Experts do point out that one very positive note is that it could be much worse. You could be living up in Grand Forks!

Volunteers Needed To Test New Bullet-Proof Jackets

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If you volunteer to test a jacket, and everything “goes well”, you get to keep the jacket for free!

West Fargo, ND – Security Test Labs is seeking more volunteers to help test out some new bullet proof jackets poised to soon hit the market.

Volunteers will be compensated for their time and trouble but must first sign a disclaimer form prior to any testing sessions.

The disclaimer states that Security Test Labs is not responsible for any testing sessions that do not go well.

Now to the exciting part!

Here are the guns that will be used to test these new bullet-proof jackets:

The Sig Spartan Molon Labe 1911, the Ruger Blackhawk and Redhawk, the Glock 22, the Colt Python, and the Kimber Warrior.

As the picture caption indicates, anyone who wears a test jacket and survives being shot at by each of the aforementioned six guns, will be invited to keep the jacket at no cost to you. Consider it a gift from Security Test Labs.

Successful volunteers will also receive a free gift basket which includes: a free $100 gift card to IHOP, a free lifetime subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and of course, a free bottle of Xanax.

Local Large-Group Marriage Expected To Go To The Supreme Court

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Challenging the Definition of Marriage

Downer, MN – In the quaint Minnesota village of Downer (formerly known as Xanax), a large-group wedding of nine women and five men is expected to challenge the definition of marriage.

The recent marriage of fourteen (14) people to each other is unprecedented in the United States unless you include Arkansas.

The “Beaverton Group” (as they like to be called) has chosen a slogan for their upcoming legal battle: Onward Is Our Aim!

If you would like to kindly donate cookies for their upcoming bake sale to raise money in support of the Beaverton Group’s challenge to the definition of marriage, contact any of the nine (9) Beaverton wives for more details.

Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax

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Time for a name change...from Downer to Xanax.

Time for a name change…from Downer to Xanax.

Downer, MN – The sleepy town of Downer, Minnesota says it is time for a name change. All seven residents voted unanimously to change the name from Downer to Xanax.

The mayor of Downer, speaking from his basement couch, said: “The name Downer has served us well for hundreds of years, but it is time for a new beginning. As of January 1st, 2017, I will certify that the official new name of our town will be Xanax. We believe Xanax will more aptly reflect the feeling and energy level of this humble little community.”

If you are a person who suffers from panic attacks, anxious insomnia, or are just clinically depressed, Xanax might just be the place for you.

Please call 9-1-1 if you start to develop hives, or you can no longer breathe, or if your face and lips begin to swell up.

Stop living in Xanax if you have constant thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

Xanax might not be the best place for you if you no longer fear danger and your behavioral patterns swing toward unusual risk-taking, coupled with profound confusion and hyperactivity.

Have someone call a doctor if hallucinations lead to hostility and unnecessary agitation.

If you think you might pass out, or find that you can no longer urinate, it might not have been such a good idea to move to Xanax in the first place.