Tag Archives: attack

Amy Klobuchar Wrestles Woman To Ground After Being Attacked

Senator Amy Klobuchar prepares to body slam alleged attacker to the floor.

Penacook, New Hampshire – Presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar successfully wrestled a Bernie Sanders supporter to the floor after being suddenly attacked while campaigning near New Hampshire’s capital city of Concord.

Luckily, the Minnesota senator had wrestled as a Trojan on her Wayzata High School team, so she instinctively knew some basic moves to protect herself when the need arose.

After the incident, Senator Klobuchar said she now needs to focus all of her attention on wrestling with Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sander, Quid Pro Joe, and Mayor Pete.

Moorhead To Host National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference

Learn how to survive an uprising of the undead.

Moorhead, MN – The quiet little town of Moorhead will soon be anything but once the National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference comes to town.

What is the Zombie Apocalypse?

As it’s described in the Zombible, the Zombie Apocalypse is the undead uprising that will occur during the final destruction of the world. As you probably know, this time period will be dominated by the walking dead roaming the Earth in search of human flesh.

How do you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

As is spelled out in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, every living person needs to have a Zombie Plan ready so you know what to do in case of a Zombie Outbreak. Having a wide variety of weapons is highly recommended, such as a zombat (preferably two, if you’re zombidextrous).

The National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference will teach attendees everything they need to know in order to survive a Zombie Attack. Conferees will be served a partially-cooked luncheon zomburger with red zomatos and a side fruit cup of juicy zomberries.

Robert Cummings (aka Rob Zombie) will of course be the conference’s keynote speaker and also provide some relaxing musical interludes.

Moorhead Man Who Was Attacked By A Mourning Dove Is Expected To Survive

This bad boy allegedly attacked a Moorhead man for no good reason.

Moorhead, MN – Mr. Nevin Goodrum, who was peacefully sitting in his backyard, decided to call to the mourning dove that was sitting up in his tree by blowing into his cupped hands.

After a few near-perfect calls, Mr. Goodrum was viciously attacked by the mourning dove who must’ve taken Nevin’s calls as total disrespect.

Seeing her husband all pecked down and bloodied up by the mourning dove, Mrs. Goodrum called 9-1-1 and explained the situation.

As you can imagine, Nevin Goodrum ain’t going to be calling to his neighborhood mourning doves any more, any time soon.

Just the sound of a mourning dove is now enough to send Mr. Goodrum to the Xanax drawer in an effort to calm Nevin’s frayed nerves.

Mourningly, all the letters in Nevin Goodrum can be pecked around to spell: Mourning Dove!

Grade School Goes Into Emergency Lockdown When Catholic Priest Tries To Enter The Building

St. Peter Elementary School attacked by devilish Catholic priest.

Devils Elbow, Missouri – After seeing a Catholic priest trying to gain access to their grade school, St. Peter Elementary School went into full emergency lock-down to protect the children inside.

In the wake of The Pope’s recent comments that The Devil was to blame for all of the Catholic Church’s pervasive sexual abuse problems, it was very unnerving to see a robed Catholic priest trying to enter the school, according to all inside the building.

A middle-aged priest named Father Lucifer Hades, who was wearing an all-red robe and cap, continually tried to enter the school through each and every door while carrying and fondling his rosary, resulting in screaming children every time he gazed into a window.

One extremely distraught teacher who witnessed the attack said: “I have never been so afraid in all my life. We told all the kids to shelter in place while we called 9-1-1.”

Man Who Caused Hawaii Missile Mishap Admits He May Have Pushed The Wrong Button

Control Room may have too many buttons, and not enough ash trays.

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii – After finding the man who may be responsible for causing Hawaii’s 38 minutes of mass missile-mishap manic panic, we are now finding out more about how it may have happened.

Tong Turnbow does admit he may have accidentally hit the wrong button, but quickly follows that up with the problem being “too many buttons”.

“I have complained many times that this control room seems to have way too many buttons, half of which no one knows what they do!” says Mr. Turnbow who also believes he has been over-worked and under-paid for years.

Mr. Turnbow did also mention the Emergency Alert button may have inadvertently been pushed when he was reaching for a beer while having his morning smoke break.

Ironically, all the letters in Tong Turnbow can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Wrong Button!

In Honor Of Humpday, Defense Dept Introduces An Old/New Military Weapon

The Zumbooruk is a mobile cannon shot from the back of a camel.

Zumbrota, MN – Cleverly being introduced on Humpday, the U.S. Military is proud to unveil one of its newest weapons to be used in conquering the world.

It is called the Zumbooruk which is a cannon shot from the back of a one-humped camel.

Even tho this idea has been around for centuries, secret military research and testing has spent billions developing this new state-of-the-art weaponry.

Due to a dearth of camels in the United States, all of the camels from zoos across the country (including Fargo’s Red River Zoo) will be called up for military duty and fitted with their very own Zumbooruk. 

Lady Attacked By Lobsters In Grocery Seafood Section

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Lobster Mobsters

Moorhead, MN – We’ve all walked by the bubbling lobster tank in the meat and seafood area of a grocery store.

While doing some recent shopping in a popular Moorhead grocery store, Mrs. Maxima Underhill began walking past the lobster tank area.

Unbeknownst to Maxima, two rogue lobsters had just staged a successful escape from their over-crowded waterworld.

Working as a team, they had assisted each other in slipping off the constricting hand-cuffs from their large main pincer claws. These two large on-the-loose lobsters were now armed and dangerous.

According to the official police report, Mrs. Underhill was suddenly lobstruck by these two lobstrosities as she walked near their tank. The victim allegedly sustained numerous wounds to her arms, neck, and face.

The two perpetrators, who are now being held in a guarded holding tank, each had an extensive criminal record. As in some of their previous assaults, these lobster mobsters quickly worked as a team to crawl up their victim’s arms while pinching small deep pincer cuts using their main pincer-claws.

This crime of opportunity caused immediate lobsteria in the store as the word spread of the alleged attack. Many people in the region are now suffering from lobsterphobia as a result of the bizarre incident.

The local Red Lobster restaurants have reported a dramatic drop in business since Mrs. Underhill’s unexpected misfortune. In an effort to calm public fears, the popular restaurant chain says they will immediately begin doing full background checks on all their lobsters.