Vaticano, Italy – After first decreeing that there is no hell to worry about, now in a rather bold move, Pope Francis (aka Jorge Bergoglio) is telling all his sinful Catholic followers to read the back of the Bible.
The Pope’s own words, which were immediately translated into forty languages:
“Once you finish reading the Bible from front to back, then take time to also read the back of the Bible, as I often do, while letting The Holy Spirit speak to you.”
Pope Francis, while channeling God’s message, also mentioned that the back of The Bible is way after the bibliography, which should also be read, and then reflected upon while sipping some wine.
Another additional tip mentioned in The Vatican Magazine is when reading The Bible, one can glean additional secret messages from God by reading between the lines, and also by using The Bible as a pillow whilst one sleepeth.
St. Peter Elementary School attacked by devilish Catholic priest.
Devils Elbow, Missouri – After seeing a Catholic priest trying to gain access to their grade school, St. Peter Elementary School went into full emergency lock-down to protect the children inside.
In the wake of The Pope’s recent comments that The Devil was to blame for all of the Catholic Church’s pervasive sexual abuse problems, it was very unnerving to see a robed Catholic priest trying to enter the school, according to all inside the building.
A middle-aged priest named Father Lucifer Hades, who was wearing an all-red robe and cap, continually tried to enter the school through each and every door while carrying and fondling his rosary, resulting in screaming children every time he gazed into a window.
One extremely distraught teacher who witnessed the attack said: “I have never been so afraid in all my life. We told all the kids to shelter in place while we called 9-1-1.”
Maybe not allowing Catholic priests to marry wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Vaticano – After endless stories of sexual abuse gradually see the light of day, many people, when they now think of the Catholic Church, primarily see it as an institution cloaked with chronic, criminal, pedophiliac activities.
To make matters worse, if that’s even possible, is that many of the abusive Catholic leaders threatened their young and innocent victims with eternal damnation if they ever spoke of the evil inflicted upon them by these supposedly godly men.
It seems the ones who should be worried about eternal damnation are the priests, bishops, archbishops, and cardinals who chose to “exercise their authority” in ways that normally would get one sent to prison for life.
If all the perpetrators involved are planning on avoiding any serious punishment by saying their sins are simply forgiven, then too, those who may inflict severe corporal punishment on them will also have their sins forgiven.
The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.
Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.
When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.
FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?
The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.
We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:
FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?
GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.
Dr. Pepper says when it comes to drinking healthy, the more the better, mmkay?.
Pepper Pike, OH – Dr. Pepper, who’s become a well-known physician throughout the country because of his promotion of health on his television show, is encouraging all his patients to drink more soda pop.
“In the North they drink pop and down South they call it soda, but wherever you live and whatever you call it, you need to drink more of it,” preaches Dr. Pepper, while examining a patient.
Studies show that soda pop is a wonderful source of sugar which provides the body with an excellent source of energy, prevents brain black-outs, instantly cures depression, raises blood pressure for those whose is too low, and helps maintain healthy looking skin, while at the same time benefiting the green environment.
Dr. Pepper sums it up this way: “There are some soda pops that are better for you than others, but I’ll leave that up to you as to which one to choose. I, personally would recommend drinking Dr. Pepper. Trust me, I’m a doctor!”
Have you ever been searching the internet and randomly ran into something you were absolutely not looking for? For example, you were surfing Tumblr or any other blog site. It’s 11 a.m on a Saturday morning. You’re feeling great. You thank god for letting you experience another day in the fabulous realm called human life. You fire up your old trusty computer and type in google.com. Feeling nostalgic, you search for old pictures of past decades which leads to you Tumblr or any other personal blog site. You’re scrolling down with pure excitement as you’re looking at all the pictures of things you remember of your past childhood. Just as you were enjoying yourself you scroll down just a little bit more and BAM……dick pics. Dick pics out of nowhere.
If you are reading this and are guilty of putting dick pics on the internet, let me explain some things to you.
First of all, women don’t want to see your little wiener on the internet. Wieners are not attractive. From a female’s AND male’s perspective. What makes you think a stranger on the internet wants to see your penis? Nobody. Nobody wants to see your willy poking out of the bush.
So much garbage is already on the internet we don’t need to be worrying about running into your dick pics as well. If you ARE going to do it, it’s probably a good idea to not include your face. What if your mom, sister, or aunt was searching the internet and accidentally landed on your dick pics? Me, being the nice guy that I am, I wouldn’t wish that odd conversation you would be having with your mom on anyone. No woman is sitting there thinking, “Yes! I finally found Mr. Right. I could NOT for the LIFE OF ME find a good guy who has dick pics on the internet.”
So, is that too much to ask? Not having to worry about running into dick picks? Put popeye back in your pants and go do something constructive outside, ok? Thanks.