Moorhead, MN – The quiet little town of Moorhead will soon be anything but once the National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference comes to town.
What is the Zombie Apocalypse?
As it’s described in the Zombible, the Zombie Apocalypse is the undead uprising that will occur during the final destruction of the world. As you probably know, this time period will be dominated by the walking dead roaming the Earth in search of human flesh.
How do you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
As is spelled out in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, every living person needs to have a Zombie Plan ready so you know what to do in case of a Zombie Outbreak. Having a wide variety of weapons is highly recommended, such as a zombat (preferably two, if you’re zombidextrous).
The National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference will teach attendees everything they need to know in order to survive a Zombie Attack. Conferees will be served a partially-cooked luncheon zomburger with red zomatos and a side fruit cup of juicy zomberries.
Robert Cummings (aka Rob Zombie) will of course be the conference’s keynote speaker and also provide some relaxing musical interludes.
Everywhere, USA – Keep your face, keep your skin, we will fill you in on the most practical weapon against zombies. Zombies have been in the news lately (here and here) which is an obvious sign of a coming zombie apocalypse.
This is great news for a lot of us. We have been fans of zombies for years. Compiling zombie fighting weapons, playing zombie video games, and actually dressing up as a zombie and going on zombie bar crawls. We have been waiting impatiently for the time when we can actually kill waves of zombies in real life.
Now that the time has actually come, you need to be prepared. The most practical zombie fighting weapon is a SWORD. Why you ask? Because swords don’t run out of ammo dummy!
I personally recommend the Katana. A sharp Katana will have no problem what so ever dismembering waves of zombies. You could go on forever! How exciting!
Now, you can go out and buy any sword (MAKE SURE IT’S SHARP) but you need to be in shape in order to use the sword effectively. You don’t need a ton of skills either but it wouldn’t hurt to practice sword fighting skills.
If you follow the kid in the video below you will get in shape AND learn critical sword fighting skills.
Happy zombie training and fighting! Go get ’em tiger!!
**Watch for a follow up article on the Top 5 Must Have Zombie Weapons.**
Fargo, ND – Due to a widespread craving for human flesh causing concern that a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, the Observer has decided to hold open workgroup sessions to help cannibals deal with their insatiable hunger for skin and organs.
We are happy to announce the FM Observer Cannibals Anonymous weekly group therapy sessions being held at the Hilton Garden Inn (MAP) on 19th Avenue in Fargo.
Meetings will occur every Tuesday and Thursday during the week at the following times:
3:00 pm to 4:00 pm (followed by cannibal Q&A)
5:30 pm to 6:30 pm (phalanges served as appetizer)
7:00 pm to 8:00 pm (eyeball casserole with sangria entrée available. $20/plate)
Entry fee for each one-hour session will be $500/head. Severed heads $50 extra. We are willing to waive your entry fee if you bring a sack of spring-harvest spleens.
FYI: We will not be feasting on each other.That is not what this is for. Please only come if you wish to curb your addiction to live flesh.
Please register in advance HERE. We’ll see you there!
West Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was, without a doubt, a member of the undead or a “walker” as they are affectionately called. Walkers typically come out of hiding after midnight and during periods of intense weather. Late Saturday night and into Sunday in West Fargo we had a thunderstorm so I took the opportunity to go zombie hunting. What I saw was the stuff of internet legend. A bald, toothy, decaying walker appeared to me in a clearing from the north side of a ditch along the highway. I was only able to snap one photo of the heavy-breathing ghoul before fleeing since I was unable to take the thing down–I had forgotten my crossbow before venturing out! The walker looked to have procured a new t-shirt and jeans somehow (most likely from its last victim) so at first glance it looked like just another drunk human wandering the grass, but upon getting a closer look I now know what I saw. A flesh-hungry zombie.
As far as I know, the creature is still on the loose somewhere in West Fargo. Until the walker is taken out, i’d like to remind everyone to lock your doors at night and if you see a grey shirt/blue jeans-wearing corpse lurking around your home or residence, notify the Observer immediately.