Tag Archives: zoo

Bad Red Panda Gets Solitary Confinement After Escaping From The Red River Zoo

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To teach the bad Red Panda a lesson, Sheffield will spend 40 days in The Hole.

Fargone, ND – After a bad Red Panda named Sheffield escaped from the Red River Zoo, the head warden for the zoo felt he needed to send a very strong message to all of the rest of the zoo inmates.

For escaping from the zoo, their bad Red Panda named Sheffield will get forty (40) days in solitary confinement, and its provisions will be limited to only bamboo shoots, bamboo leaf tips, and various insects.

Warden Nowlan Paddock in his own words: “If we have to play hardball, we will certainly play hardball, in order to dissuade other animal inmates from even thinking about escaping from our colorful Red River Zoo Prism System.”

During the escape, after a few tense hours while Sheffield was possibly terrorizing nearby neighborhoods and causing temporary pandamonium, Zoo guards cleverly coaxed Sheffield down from a tree outside the zoo by bribing the bad Red Panda with its favorite cigarettes, expensive imported rum, and various Chinese candies.

Ironically, all of the letters in Nowlan Paddock can be re-arranged to spell: Panda Lockdown!

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

Zebra Muscles Invade Red River Zoo

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Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Zebra with outstanding glutes and lats now on display

Fargo, ND—Red River Zoo officials have gleefully added zebra muscles to their fleet of exotic animal inventory. A big, buff zebra named “Junto” is the zoo’s newest member. He’s 6’3, 884lbs of brawny zebra muscles that has zoo people ecstatic.

“We’re so happy to have zebra muscles. One freshwater lake’s trash is a local zoo’s treasure,” explains zoo head Bemmen Derschwariatz. “Zebra muscles might be the plague of the small sea, the scourge of the freshwater, but to us, they’re a gift. Just look at those deltoids! Why you wouldn’t want that specimen grazing your lake shores is a mystery to me.”

Why no one has informed Derschwariatz of the difference between zebra muscles and zebra mussels has yet to be determined. Perhaps it’s best to keep zoo officials in the dark and let them have their moment.

Junto and his zebra muscles will be available for all to see this summer.

Red River Zoo Adding A Rat Farm!

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Everyone loves rats!

Fargo, ND – The Red River Zoo is very proud to announce that they will soon be adding a new Rat Farm to their growing list of fun animal displays.

Their new Rat Pack will feature a number of special rats brought in from different urban centers throughout the country.

If you’ve never seen a real rat, this will be a great opportunity to observe one close up and personal.

Bring your whole family to see rats doing what rats do.

And every Wednesday and Saturday come watch the amazing Rat Race: Pick your favorite rat, place your bets, and win!

Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops

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If seeing is believing, then you can believe this! Please join us in welcoming Tari, the Triceratops.

Fargo, ND – In case you hadn’t heard, part of Jurassic Park will soon be coming to the Fargo Red River Zoo!

Because of the wide variety of extreme weather conditions in this region, the Fargo Zoo has been chosen to be the lucky home of a real live Triceratops dinosaur, whose name is Tari. Her full name is Tari Spector, which is from the re-arranging of all the letters in “Triceratops”.

The Triceratops type of dinosaur is one of thee most loved and recognizable of all dinosaurs and was originally named by the owner of a Greek restaurant because of its three (tri), horned (cera), face (tops).

Even though the Triceratops were originally believed to have become extinct about 66 million years ago, Tari is living proof that this was simply a false rumor, probably reported on some fake news websites.

This cute and friendly new addition to the Red River Zoo is strictly a herbivore, and because it only eats plant vegetation, it should not be a threat to gobble up any children. Instead, people of all ages will be able to feed Tari some of her favorite grasses and herbs by purchasing them from the Dino-Food vending machine. All of the profits from this vending machine will go directly to the “Save The Dinosaurs From Global Warming” program, which was started by Algore, after he invented the Internet.

Because of the unique challenges Tari brings with her, the Red River Zoo is frantically seeking to hire a few special zoo handlers for this lovable dinosaur. Past working experience with Triceratops would be a major plus for this job. If you think you have what it takes to handle Tari the Triceratops, please call the Red River Zoo to set up a formal interview.