Tag Archives: the police

Entire Family Goes Missing After Husband Dreams They Were All Kidnapped

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Their jeep was found on a road to nowhere.

Fargo, ND – In a case that might never be solved, an entire family has gone missing after the patriarch had a dream that his family had been kidnapped.

Mr. Damian Flipp-Dyke, who reportedly reported the dream by calling 9-1-1, is now missing along with his lovely wife, Lola Flipp-Dyke, and their three above-average children: Nyork, Zhway, and Ahzr.

The only remaining evidence of the family, besides their hungry dog sitting in an empty home, is the family’s jeep which was found abandoned on a random road down in the deep jungles of Guatemala.

If you have any pertinent information that might help solve this mysterious case, please report it to the Dream Police, or call the Kidnap Hotline and ask for Karl.

Abscondingly, all of the letters in Damian Flipp-Dyke can be re-arranged to spell: Family Kidnapped!

Police Dog Licks Man To Death

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My Friend Slicka

Lickota, ND – A man was reportedly licked to death while attending a police Meet and Greet social event.

The man, whose name is not being released until his family is notified, was identified as Mucciolo Knight from Lickinson, North Dakota.

The dog, a German shepherd that was raised in the Norwegian town of Lickehammer, was named Slicka, which also happens to be the Norwegian command “to lick”.

An eye witness at the event said Mr. Knight, who was greeted by Slicka near the punch bowl, kept on saying the dog’s name repeatedly while the highly trained police dog was simply responding to its “lick” command.

Ironically, all of the letters in Mucciolo Knight can be re-arranged to spell: Too Much Licking!

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Two Fargo Illusionists Go Missing, Without A Trace, Except For Their Pajamas

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Goben Wee (left) and Bogen Wee (right) seem to have just disappeared.

Fargo, ND – An ongoing search for a pair of Fargo magicians keeps coming up empty.

The Wee Brothers, who describe themselves as professional illusionists, are seemingly no where to be found after disappearing from their Downtown Fargo condo.

The Police have only found a message in a bottle, along with the pajamas the Wee Brothers were allegedly wearing at the time of their sudden departure.

Hopefully, the Wee Brothers will soon decide to rehumanize themselves after being spirits in the material world while on their secret journey.

Interestingly, all of the letters in both Bogen Wee and Goben Wee can be re-arranged to spell: We Be Gone!

New Home Radar System Detects And Then Detains Package Stealers

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Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!

Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.

Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.

Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).

Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.

Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.

Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!

Downtown Fargo Adding Another Bar In An Attempt To Increase Crime And Number Of Drunks

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Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.

Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.

Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.

“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.

Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.

Fargo Flocks To Car Washes Before Return Of Dreaded Polar Vortex

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Long lines expected at every car wash in the FM area in effort to beat the return of Global Cooling.

Fargo, ND – In a community-wide frenzied effort to get all cars washed prior to the return of Algore’s Polar Vortex, every car wash is expecting a record-breaking day.

Lines into car washes could be so long that police may have to direct traffic while managing road rage caused by people trying to bud in line.

After such a long streak of freakily cold weather, nearly every vehicle in the greater FM area is dirtier than Harvey Weinstein’s office.

“Yah, people around here like to keep their cars real clean, so there’s that then, plus, it’s just kind of a fun thing to do, in order to get out of the house, cuz ya can’t watch Judge Judy all day, don’t-cha know?” explains Ernie Flapwood, an FM-Observer consultant, who likes free coffee, and has an opinion about pretty much everything.

Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

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This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Fargo Bar Fight Begins After Man Asks Another To Borrow His Toogit

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Hey buddy, do you mind if I borrow your toogit? What the hell did you just ask me?!

Fargo, ND – In what could have been because of a possible misunderstanding, a bar fight broke out last night in a downtown Fargo bar after one man seemingly innocently asked a stranger if he could borrow the other man’s toogit.

Things quickly escalated to the point where push came to shove followed by the obligatory punches to the face.

Police officers on the scene talking to eye-witnesses later determined that the whole thing started due to a simple lack of understanding regarding what is a toogit.

Misunderstanding quickly escalated to perceived disrespect followed by the obligatory pummeling all because of a toogit.

FMO Interviews United Airlines CEO Oscar Muñoz

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“Voluntary” now means you get forcibly bumped and dragged off a plane in a bloody mess.

Chicago, IL – Our on-the-spot field agent reporter in Chicago is Zurdly Zervative who just happened to file this timely interview with the CEO of United Airlines after they forcibly removed a fully paid passenger from his seat for not voluntarily giving up his seat to Louisville because the flight was overbooked.

FM Observer: Is overbooking a problem for United Airlines and if so what can be done about it?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Yes it is. We are asking for less people to fly United Airlines so that overbooking is not such a problem for us which then might lead to less instances where we have to forcibly bump and drag paid customers off a plane in bloody daylight.

FM Observer: So is “Bump & Drag” your new policy and slogan?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Yes. Bump & Drag is our new official slogan and policy. It has long been our unofficial slogan and policy but now we are simply making it official, if you will.

FM Observer: Is it truly random how you pick which passenger(s) must voluntarily be forcibly removed while getting bloodied up in front of a planeful of gawking onlookers?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: We say it is random but actually we just pick which person(s) we don’t like the most based on a number of “parameters” which our attorneys remind me that I should not mention here.

FM Observer: Do you see this latest incident possibully hurting United Airlines and even you personally?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: No. I think some people with twisted minds who may perhaps enjoy being forcibly bumped and dragged off an overbooked plane might actually increase our business once the word gets around that we do not-so-randomly bump and drag paid customers off a plane while bloodying them up in the process.

FM Observer: Theoretically, looking back on what happened and how it was handled later, would you do now what you did then if you knew then what you know now?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Everything I did then I would do again if I knew then what I know now except I might change what happened initially and also my stupid insensitive comments about it afterwards, theoretically.

FM Observer: Any reason why the United Airlines headquarters is located on Wacker Drive?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Thanks, but you do not want to know the answer to that question. And I’m sorry but it looks like we have another bloody incident here that I must try to cover up.