Tag Archives: minnesota vikings

FM Observer’s Reader’s New Year’s Resolutions

Nunc Coepi = Now I Begin

West Fargo, ND – We recently met face-to-face with some of our faithful readers at a local alcoholic establishment to compile a list of all their top New Year resolutions.

So, in case you have not made your New Year’s resolutions yet, or just need some more good ideas, here are the FM Observer’s reader’s Top Ten list of New Year’s resolutions for the new year for you:

Change all passwords to extremely long ones.
Finish Christmas shopping by 4th of July.
Continue to volunteer at soup kitchens.
Dye hair silver to get more respect.
Purge all Minnesota Vikings stuff.
Start exercising in February.
Join a Ping Pong league.
Start clipping coupons.
Get a smarter phone.
Take more napsters.
Drink more beer.
Fight for peace.
Gain 16 pounds.

PHI Eagles Fans Kindly Asked To Wear Purple (Instead Of Green) To Super Bowl

As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.

Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.

Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.

The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”

Vikings Place Sam Bradford On Injured Reserve And Activate Debra Getty-Widder

Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!

Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.

Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.

Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!

Vikings Plane Misses Green Bay Runway Wide Left

Vikings miss runway wide left.

Green Bay, Wisconsin – The entire Minnesota Vikings team missed the Green Bay runway wide left while attempting to land a much-needed win against the Packers.

Toward the end of a very disappointing season, the Vikings team plane veered wide left off the pavement toward the end of the Green Bay runway.

The flight started out fine just like the Vikings’ season did but then the wheels came off both.

No one from the Minnesota Vikings team or cockpit were available for comment.

Wounded Knee Could Leave Adrian Peterson A Paralegal For The Rest Of His Life

Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field forgot to buy a golf cart.

Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field stadium forgot to buy a golf cart.

Minneapolis, MN – After only seven quarters of football, Adrian Peterson’s 2016 season appears to be in serious jeopardy.

While Colin Kaepernick has been taking a knee during the National Anthem, Adrian Peterson is losing a knee, following in the footsteps of teammate Theodore Bridgewater, Jr.

After an underwhelming 12 carries for 19 yards against the visiting Packers, losing Adrian Peterson would be an overwhelming loss for the Vikings.

On a negative note, the game against the Green Bay Packers could leave Adrian Peterson as a paralegal with the Vikings for the rest of his life.

On a positive note, former Vikings defensive tackle Alan Page successfully embarked on a legal career after leaving the Vikings. Page went on to serve as an associate justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court from 1993 until retiring in 2015.

Even though the Vikings ultimately won their first game in their new stadium, with the loss of Adrian Peterson it seems to be a Pyrrhic victory.

Former Vikings Mascot Now With Green Bay Packers

Ragnar and Rogers team up!

Ragnar and Rodgers happy to team up!

Green Bay, WI – After being let go by the Minisoda ViQueens, Ragnar has signed a lucrative contract with the Green Gay Packers.

Mascot Ragnar was recently let go by the ViQueens for “megalomaniacal insubordination” and asking for too much money.

Ragnar’s agent, Celedor Galbassi, said: “Ragnar thought he was asking for a reasonable raise based on his senior status amongst all the other NFL team mascots.”

The Packers were quick to offer Ragnar a sweet benefits package that he could not refuse, including a nice pay raise and all the free cheese he and his family can eat.

Mr. Galbassi did mention that Ragnar will have to paint his motorcycle gold and dark green, and also wear a cheesehead instead of the old horns.

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position


Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach

Proud to be a Viking!

Proud to be a Viking!

Mankato, MN – Former Attorney General Janet Reno has been named the new Special Teams coach for the Minnesota Vikings.

Just as she was the first woman to serve as the United States Attorney General, she will also be the first woman to serve as a coach in the NFL.

“If I can catch and convict the Unabomber, I can coach a few punters and kickers” she was quoted as saying during a formal press conference.

The talk around the league is that Janet Reno will be a great fit for the struggling Vikings.

The Vikings have had recent trouble with their Special Teams coordinator Mike Priefer, leading to likely litigious activity from former punter Chris Kluwe.

An unknown Vikings spokesperson said: “If anyone can handle litigation, it’s Janet Fracking Reno!”

North Dakota Gets 1 Of 8 Newly Added NFL Teams

The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.

The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”

Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.

Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.

A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”

BREAKING: Vikings Trade Away Six Draft Picks To Keep Adrian Peterson

Minneapolis, MN—I believe the old saying goes, “In with the new, in with the old.” That’s the mantra around Minnesota Vikings football team headquarters these days as newly-acquired head coach Mike Zimmer is employing some old tricks that long-time fans of the Purple have seen before.

As reported by Matt Drangle of the Minneapolis Sun-Times, the Vikings have traded away their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th-round 2014 draft picks for the rights to keep star running back Adrian Peterson. This leaves them with only 6th and 7th-round picks.

“When you’re carrying a loaded magnum with six bullets, what are you gonna do? NOT fire the gun?” quoted coach Zimmer. “We spoke to the league. They agreed that there’s nothing in the NFL Book of Bylaws that says you can’t have an NFL draft fire sale every 20 years or so. This will keep our offense on the right track and save us a ton of cap space by not having to ink a fleet of unproven rookies.”

Coach went on to explain that draft picks are just numbers, they’re not even players and that trading away numbers for an actual player was good strategy. Coach’s strategy is particularly baffling as the player in question is currently under contract. At press time it is not certain where the traded-away draft picks will end up, but it sounds likely that they will be donated to a local non-profit organization.

Not since 1989 have the Purple traded away a heavy handful of draft picks for a mega-talent. It appears coach Zimmer abides by another old saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

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