Tag Archives: green

West Fargo Couple Dies In Car While Waiting For Traffic Light To Turn Green

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When the red light finally turned green, both the driver and passenger were no more.

West Fargo, ND – In a stunningly slow turn of events, an older West Fargo couple died while waiting for a red light to turn green.

Leth and Helt Ringgold had pulled up to a red traffic light which recently had been having some functionality “issues”.

Unfortunately for the Ringgolds, the red light took an extraordinarily long time to change to green.

By the time they finally got the signal to proceed through the intersection, both Leth and Helt Ringgold had passed on, gone bye-bye, kicked the bucket, gone upstairs, breathed their last, met their maker, checked out, bit the dust.

The West Fargo Street Department has apologized for this sad mishap and promised to check each and every traffic light to make sure something like this does not happen again.

Interestingly, both Leth Ringgold and Helt Ringgold can be re-arranged into: Long Red Light!

President Trump To Swap The Blue State Of California For Greenland

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Beautiful Greenland to be traded for California.

Nuuk, Greenland – President Trump has made the decision to trade the state of California to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

“I made a really great deal, because that’s what I do, and in exchange for California we will get Greenland,” shouted the president in front of a very noisy Marine One.

Reactions to this new trade deal were mixed:

Senator majority leader Mitch McConnell said he did not know anything about this deal.

Many others, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi from the newly traded state of California, are indicating that they want to begin impeachment proceedings immediately.

Dear FMO: How Can We Create A Quagmire On Our Property?

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Email Dr. Pete Bogg any questions you may have about landscaping or gardening.

Quamba, Minnesota – Ms. Geri Quam emailed our gardening and landscape specialist a great question: How can I create a green quagmire on our Minnesota lake property in order to provide some wetlands for animals and help save the Earth?

Dr. Pete Bogg who headquarters out of our corporate office park says: Dear Geri Quam, I commend you on your desire to create a quagmire on your property.

If done correctly, you will provide vital habitat for beavers, otters, turtles, mink, and maybe even some muskrat love. If done wrong, you might end up with an entangled imbroglio which could possibly even border on a muddled Minnesota morass.

To keep it very simple, in order to create a healthy quagmire, start out by taking some good-looking mire, and then to it add a healthy dose of quag. I’ve found that the best ratio to use here is three quags to every five foot-pounds of mire. After settling, once the whole thing eventually starts to bubble, you’ll know you’re on the right path to a successful quagmire.

Dr. Pete Bogg noted that all the letters in Geri Quam can be re-arranged to spell: Quagmire!

FM Observers Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day With A Surprise Trip To Ireland

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St. Patrick would ring a bell to begin Ireland’s famous Shamrock Beer Fest!

Cork City, Ireland – Because many FM Observers have such strong ties to Ireland, we decided to take a trip and celebrate St. Patrick’s day with the Irish.

While visiting with Corkonians here in Cork City, we’ve learned many things about Saint Patricius, which actually means “patron of the citizens”.

Besides being the patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick brought Christianity, shamrocks, and green beer to this famous island.

Patricius also rid the island of druids and snakes back in the Fifth Century, which both were a big problem until Patrick showed up.

Everyone in our FMO group that was lucky enough to travel here really enjoyed hiking up to the top of Mount Patrick to see where the famous patron saint used to go camping and drink green beer during occasional 40-day fasts.

After we return back to Fargo, we’all plan on helping out with the sand bagging efforts to save the city, since we’re hearing that the Red River Diversion Project is not quite completely finished yet.

All North Dakotans Now Required To Take An Annual Mental Examination

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After being mentally evaluated, every North Dakotan will be ranked as either Green, Yellow, or Red

Green=Fine Yellow=OK Red=Bad

Bismarck, ND – With much of the national discussion being focused on mental health, North Dakota will proactively soon begin annually checking the mental health of each and every one of its citizens.

A new task force called MIND (Mentally Interrogating North Dakota) will do a thorough evaluation of all North Dakotans on their half birthdays.

Based on the official results of their mental examination, every person in North Dakota, over the age of nine (9) will be given one of three possible rankings:

Green Light: You are fine. No major mental problems were detected. See you again in one year, on your next half birthday. (For example: If your birthday is on April 15th, your mandatory mental exams will be every October 15th.)

Yellow Light: Some concerns were detected based on your responses to questions selected especially for you. You will need to be put on a MIND Watch List and retested monthly, until you are hopefully upgraded to a Green Light.

Red Light: A likely problematical situation was detected. You will be held for further testing to determine the magnitude of the problem. For your convenience, padded shuttle buses heading to Jamestown will be standing by.

PHI Eagles Fans Kindly Asked To Wear Purple (Instead Of Green) To Super Bowl

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As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.

Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.

Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.

The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”

Military Developing Pink Night Vision Just For Female Fighters

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Pink is the new Green.

Pink, Oklahoma – The U.S. Military working in conjunction with the color pink has come up with new pink night-vision goggles for its female fighting force.

The traditional green phosphor night-vision was designed for males whose eyes are more sensitive to the green color pallet.

But Dr. Ivon Pinski who heads up Project Pink says the female eye is most sensitive to fifty shades of pink.

Dr. Pinski: “Ya, we pink this will really help our female combat warriors during night-time missions. Plus it shows we care about all pink causes without having to wear a pink ribbon on their already pink camouflage fatigues.”

Coincidentally, all the letters in Ivon Pinski can be re-arranged into: Pink Vision!

Recounts Show That Jill Stein Won The Election

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President-Elect Jill Stein shown here visiting Disneyland after narrowly winning the election.

Steinsville, Pennsylvania – Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein has finally finished doing her own vote recount in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.

Based on her new final count vote totals, she is declaring that she won the election fair and square, narrowly beating out both Donald’s Trump and Hillary’s Clinton.

Ms. Stein is being congratulated by many in her Green Party who knew she had what it took to win the election.

Some think that a major turning point for her campaign was when she got arrested and charged with criminal trespass and criminal mischief during the Dakota Access Pipeline protest out there in western North Dakota.

President-Elect Stein is now expected to quickly name her cabinet members and then get ready for her upcoming inaugaration.

We caught up with Jill to ask her how it felt to have won the election.

Speaking in tongues, Jill Stein’s answer was: “Я очень рад, что выиграл выборы.”

Edible Cricket Farming Providing Many Fargo Families Extra Income During Sluggish Obama Economy

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Many struggling families buying a ticket to the edible cricket farming business.

Many struggling families buying a ticket to the edible cricket farming business.

Fargo, ND – With healthcare costs becoming more and more unaffordable due to increasing premiums and deductibles under the UnAffordable Care Act, many Fargo families have turned to edible cricket farming in an effort to help make ends meet.

Edible cricket farmer Torok Kadosa believes his new cricket farming business will allow Santa to bring at least one nice present to each of his four children for Christmas this year, in spite of what Obamacare has done to slow our once-roaring economy to a meow.

Mr. Kadosa and his family have also become quite fond of cooking and eating crickets, as have many green restaurants to which edible cricket farmers sell most of their crickets.

Torok says “you can boil them, broil them, bake them, or saute the little guys.” He has even tried cricket-kabobs, cricket creole, and cricket gumbo.

Some restaurants have been successfully serving pan fried crickets, deep fried crickets, and even spicy stir fried crickets.

Mr. Kodosa also suggests making cricket soup, cricket stew, and cricket burgers.

If you would like more information on starting your own edible cricket farm, simply go to Start A Cricket Farm and enter promo code “Cricket To Me!”

New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints

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New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

Greenspring, PA – The Federal Government, secretly working in conjunction with Algore, has designed a new Green Shoe to help lessen each person’s carbon footprints.

Here are some important facts you need to know about Algore’s New Green Shoes:

  • Scientifically designed by Algore to reduce carbon footprints
  • Guaranteed to save Planet Earth from Global Warming
  • Wearing these shoes will show you care about important issues
  • Styled for both men, women, and transexuals
  • One size fits all
  • All shoes are either made in America or China
  • No persons with Ebola have touched these shoes
  • Price per pair is $200 for Democratics and Independents
  • Price per pair is $350 for rich Republicans
  • Mandatory purchase date is January 1, 2017
  • Sign up for your pair at Healthcare.Gov to avoid stiff penalties