Rush Limbaugh

Rock 102 FM’s news radio makeover causes expected uproar

Fargo, ND – Was there ever any doubt that residents occupying the broadcast area of the Rock 102 FM radio frequency would voice their discontent over the channel’s new talk radio format changeover? Not in the slightest. Regular people like you and I have made their voices heard to the Observer over what many have labeled a “totally pointless and unjustified” switch-over from Rock 102 to Talk 101.9 FM:

Randy, West Fargo:

– “Four straight hours of Rush every day?! Hell yeah! [singing] FLY BY NIGHT!! Wait…what? Rush LIMBAUGH?? Aw, come on! Buzzkill!!!”

Elise, Fargo:

– “Oh, wow, this is terrific. If I wanted to hear a fat blowhard spew misogynistic hate venom at me for 4 hours every day in crystal clear audio i’d have dinner at my in-laws’ house.”

Bret, Fargo:

– “Q98 plays the same crap lineup of recycled one-hit-wonders from the 90s and early 2000s on a daily basis. Pathetic. One less competing rock station gets me that much closer to boycotting radio altogether.”

Adam, Mapleton:

– “What’s Rock 102 FM?”

Steven, Casselton:

– “I’m pretty sure if you fire Scotch, Tank and Ginger, you’re going to lose 3 talented radio personalities to a competing station. That, or lose 3 radio personalities and gain 3 cart-pushers at Hornbacher’s. Hey-ooo!!!”

This expected turn of events has me wondering: When will it end? Will the city of Fargo keep descending into utter pop culture obscurity until there’s nothing cool around to celebrate, thus turning everything here so pathetically lame that i’m forced to make fun of it until i’m run out of town? Only time will tell.

Moorhead Police Car

Moorhead Police Arrest McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker

Moorhead Police CarMoorhead, MN – Police officers arrested a Moorhead McDonalds drive-thru speaker earlier this morning.  Police reports state the drive-thru speaker was being “confrontational” and “speaking funny” to warrant an arrest.  We got to sit down with the speaker this morning and it had this to say, “Welcome to…<unrecognizable>…fat…<unrecognizable>…order.”  It then went on to say, “Would you like<unrecognizable>….f…<unrecognizable> off on your fat…<unrecognizable>…face?”  Police officers stated they thought the speaker was disrespecting them and calling them names.  They also believed it was slurring while speaking and could possibly be drunk.  There is such an offense as serving fat ass food while intoxicated The Observer has learned.

All of this could be a simple misunderstanding.  Drive-thru speakers have been known around the world for being complete dickheads.  While the speaker is incarcerated, overweight people will have to actually walk into the store instead of driving their fat ass to the window to order their fat ass food.   How will we continue to live like this?  Walking is overrated.

Dumpster Diver Fargo Moorhead

Tales of a Struggling Economy: Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr.

Dumpster Diver Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – The less-fortunate have fallen on even harder times than we could have possibly imagined. As evidenced by the photo shown here, a downtown Fargo area transient was exposed recently as an utterly shameless trash peddler.

Area homeless Pete Wrigley Jr., who was once only thought of as a panhandling street urchin, was spotted yesterday in a 2nd avenue apartment dumpster trying to peddle common throw-aways to passersby. Mr. Wrigley made every effort to sell me food waste and other “valuables” out of a dumpster he appeared to have transformed into a makeshift vendor’s booth.

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No, I don’t want to purchase that empty cardboard box

Wrigley was clearly rummaging around in a back-alley dumpster but this trash bin did seem to look much like a magazine stand that one would find on a New York City street corner which must have been why he found it so appealing.

This is what it has come to, people. In a rock-bottom economy, transients have been reduced to selling our own rank garbage back to us. What a disgusting act of desperation! If you see Pete sifting through the rubbish of a neighborhood trash receptacle any time soon, don’t call the police. Instead, immediately notify the Observer. If he tries to sell you anything gross and/or useless, don’t pay more than asking price.

Minot Man “Didn’t See” Train. Proceeds To Crash Into It.

Minot, ND – A 27 year old Minot man was injured Friday afternoon after his vehicle crashed into a MOVING train.  Police say Jordan Avery disregarded four vehicles that were waiting for the train, apparently just said fuck it, and barreled right into the hunk of massive steel that can travel up to 125 mph.  Let us remind you that it was daylight out at the time of the accident.  Jordan Avery could not be reached for comment as his brain was being examined to see how much “dumbfuck” can be extracted.

Three Affiliated Tribes of Fort Berthold Reservation

The Three Affiliated Tribes of Fort Berthold Reservation Setting Up a Highway Patrol Unit.

New Town, ND – The Three Affiliated Tribes of Fort Berthold Reservation are setting up a highway patrol unit.  It has come to the FM Observers attention that 4 horses, 4 spears, and 4 tomahawks were ordered in.  The Three Affiliated Tribes were last seen making feathered head wear and vests made out of freshly killed buffalo.  Are they really just implementing a highway patrol or is this part of a larger conspiracy?

Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul Greenbush, MN

Priest Arrested In India for Sexually Assaulting A Minnesota Girl In 2004.

Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul Greenbush, MNGrand Forks, ND – A priest touching made national headlines due to one glaring difference: victim was a female.  Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul, 57 was arrested for sexually assaulting two girls in 2004 and 2005 while being a pedophile priest at Blessed Sacrament church in Greenbush, Minn.  One of the accused victims was Megan Peterson.  She was 14 at the time of the assault.

It is nothing new that priests are generally known for their affinity for tiny penis.  In fact, if your boy is at church right now, there is a good chance that the priest is probably touching his penis.  It’s so common, priests across the nation lobbied to pass a law called “Priests For Penis.”  This called for making it legal only for priests to touch any little boy’s penis they wanted.  After Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul’s arrest, they discussed changing this proposed law to include females but only as a RARE exception.

Megan Peterson expects to work with the county attorney’s office in Roseau in returning Jeyapaul to Minnesota to face the criminal charges.

Lemmings Forming Lines As iPad 3 Is Released.

“Something squishy is in my pants”

Fargo, ND – Every few months there is a big product release where people are willing to wait in line for hours upon hours in order to get the chance to buy some shit they don’t need.  Today it’s the iPad 3.  In the early morning hours, lemmings have started forming lines outside the Best Buy in Fargo, ND.  The line has extended out into the street which has caused a few problems.  These brain dead humans are getting run over and hit buy cars and it doesn’t even seem to phase them nor do they care.  They just keep coming.  Local apple fucktwat had this to say, “I wanted this so bad I told my boss to go fuck himself so I could come here and wait in line.  I won’t have a job after today but at least I’ll have my new iPad 3!”  We completely understand.  Another person in line had this to say, “I have literally crapped my pants and don’t even care!  I can’t wait to get my new iPad!”

We wish these lemmings the best.  After the dust settles and things are back to normal, we will be back and reporting on it again when Apple releases the iPad 4 in a couple months.

“March Madness” Defense Fails Miserably In Court

Fargo, ND – The Observer is surprised to learn that yet another hapless defendant and his bumbling pro bono lawyer went with the “March Madness” defense, only to get laughed at by a veteran judge who has definitely seen this type of idiocy before. The defendant, on trial for vehicular manslaughter, had his lawyer go with this as a last-ditch effort in an attempt to sway the jury’s decision in his favor:

“But, your Honor, you know what it’s like. The frenzy of the tournament and all…I guess my client let all this March Madness get the best of him, heh heh.”

The presiding judge was not the slightest bit amused:

“You are a piece of work, you know that? I’ve sat in this chair for tournament after tournament now for many years. I’ve won some brackets, i’ve lost some brackets but if you think for one second i’m going to listen to that ridiculous closing argument you’re dead wrong. A smart defense attorney would have advised me what team to bet on prior to the tournament, postponed this hearing until after said team won the tournament and THEN come to me with the March Madness defense. You two AMATEURS obviously don’t have your heads screwed on straight.”

The defendant was then held in contempt of court which only added to the humiliation. Sentencing is scheduled for the 2nd week in April, which cannot bode well for the defendant if the judge’s team doesn’t win it all.

Marilyn Hagerty Olive Garden

Marilyn Hagerty Mistakes Olive Garden For A Gentlemen’s Club.

Fargo, ND – Marilyn Hagerty has been living the life as of recently.  After her review of a local Grand Forks Olive Garden went viral, Marilyn has been traveling around the big city of New York.  From doing interviews and shooting with the crew of Anderson Cooper 360, Marilyn has been busy.  She was in for a little surprise earlier today as she stopped at the local Olive Garden to get a bite to eat.  I mean why not.  Olive Garden is what got her there.

Not paying attention, just being old, or needing new glasses, Marilyn didn’t enter the Olive Garden. Instead, she entered Oliver’s Garden–A local gentleman’s club.  She realized something was off when she turned around to put her coat down and was greeted with a nipple to the face.  When asked what made her realize she was in the wrong place she said, “Well the nipple to the face and the smell of dirty underwear and aids.  Definitely the smell of aids made me realize I may not be in my beloved Olive Garden.”

Marilyn will continue her tour of New York this week and we can only hope she stays out of trouble.  We will follow her journey and let you know if she has any more mishaps.

Fargo School Board Anti-Bullying Policy

Fargo School Board To Implement New Anti-Bullying Policy

Fargo, ND – Since 2002 the Fargo School Board has had an Anti-Bullying policy in place.  This policy consisted of rewarding bullies and punishing the victims.  It promoted such nonsense as “Walking or running away,” “Turning the other cheek,” and “Just lay there and let them beat you up.”  The school board has now changed it’s stance and will implement a new anti-bullying policy.

This new policy will implement a number of different things.  One is requiring students to attend classes such as “MAN THE FUCK UP” and “KICK FUCKING ASS.”  Another is allowing children as young as six to carry weapons such as grenades, machine guns, and anti-tank weapons.  Lastly, the school board will implement mixed martial arts cages in every school gym around the city.

The school board will likely move forward with this new policy in the next couple weeks.