Professional Hockey Game Ends In Tie

March 3rd, 2014 | by Nick


Edmonton, Alberta—A professional sporting event sadly ended in a tie, the Observer has learned. The Edmonton Oilers hosted Calgary Flames in a National Hockey League matchup last Saturday that unfortunately finished with a 0-0 score. Both teams took the ice for no reason.

The Flames rode their team charter bus all the way to Edmonton only for it not to matter. The game ended after three whole 20-minute periods, an overtime period and a shootout in which zero, count ’em, ZERO goals were scored. Buzzkill.

The finish to this colossal misuse of time was met with shrugs and eye-rolls from many fans and players in attendance. Calgary defenseman Pierre Svodba had his thoughts:

“I always love riding cramped in the back of a bus for 3 hours, especially when it’s for no good reason at all,” he remarked, frustrated. “A tie in sports is just ridiculous, eh? It’s like two guys winning the lottery but getting none of the money. It’s like sharing a bed with your sister. It’s like meeting the girl of your dreams, but she’s an alien freakazoid who lives on Mars. It’s like having sex but ejaculating into the garbage. A total waste.”

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Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.