Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.

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Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

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